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The Moneyline with WhiteDwain – NFL Week 11 Picks

*Follow WhiteDwain on Twitter @WhiteDwainTCH for links to previously posted plays and added plays thoughout the week*

 

Well, you’ve asked for it (No, you haven’t) and I have heeded your calls (No, I haven’t because you haven’t asked nor cared).  It’s time to start sharing White Dwain’s picks.

As you TCH fans know…I’m a bit of a gambler…some (friends/family) would call me a degenerate but that’s not important.  What’s important is that I love to handicap football games.  Say, that reminds me…(in my best “Glen” voice from Raising  Arizona…if you don’t know the reference, delete us from your browsing history and delete yourself from existence) I probably need to explain a few terms for you gambling  morons.

Handicapping: The practice of assigning advantage through a system of “ A Beautiful Mind” type calculations

Juice:  The number you see beside my pick (ex: -110).  This is basically interest the house gives you.  I’m gonna use 100 as a bet to make it easy for you.  At -110 you are risking $110 to win $100.   That way, if you go 5-5, you feel like a winner but in reality you are down $50.  See, there’s a reason the casinos are nice and fancy.

Public Play:  The team that the public is betting…typically it’s the favorite or a team with a huge following like the Cowboys, Steelers, and Packers.

Sharp Play:  The team that the Wise guys are throwing money at.  Traditionally professional gamblers play certain numbers.  Home underdogs, NFL Teams getting +10 or higher.   Typically the sharp play is the opposite of the public play because the public is stupid, just look at our president and the success of Nickelback

Teaser:  A teaser allows you to move a line in either direction.  Example: Green Bay is -3 vs the Bears.  If it’s a 10 point tease, if you choose the Packers they would be +7, the Bears would be +13. Of course the payout is a lot less but teasers are fun and of the devil because you expect to win every time.

Parlay:  Combo bet that involves more than one play and combines it into one bet.  The more games, the higher payout but the tougher to win. There’s a reason why the guy who  hands out parlay cards is making more money than the guy betting a $20 8 teamer cause he don’t want to risk $50 on a single game.

 Moneyline:  Picking the game straight up.  Also involves much higher juice for the favorite and less for the dog.  It’s simple

I’m going to make my plays according to Units.  What’s that you ask…That’s witchcraft Gavin and Chris claims. Nope. just a way to track your profit.  To some, 1 Unit is $10, others it’s $100.  The higher the unit play, obviously the stronger I feel about it.

I know I’m setting myself up for a huge failure but so far I’m having a great run this year with my own “A Beautiful Mind” system.  Can’t guarantee I’ll keep winning but I can guarantee you’ll be shouting statements with my name mixed with obscenities either way.

 My Current Year to Date Record:   51-39-1   +34.11 UNITS

3 Unit Plays: 11-4

Tease: 0-1

2 Unit Plays: 23-15-1

Tease: 3-5

2nd half: 1-0

Team Total: 2-1

1 Unit Plays: 17-20

Tease: 3-4

ML Parlay: 2-1

Team Total: 0-2

 

WEEK  11 PICKS

3 Unit Plays

Dolphins -6 (-110) vs Bills

– line currently at -7 (+110), bought down to 6

Dolphins can be one of the most frustrating teams lay a bet on.  One game they look like Green Bay Light with Coach Philbin channeling his days as offensive coordinator for the Pack.  The next game they can look like a team without an identity.  I feel this is a good spot for Miami.   Buffalo comes in following a terrible letdown at home last week vs the Chiefs.  Leading 13-3 late in the game, they lose 17-13.   Kyle Orton did Kyle Orton things and Fred Jackson was obviously still banged up.   The Phins have one of the best pass defenses in the league and will keep Watkins bottled up and Miami just needs to play that Packer type of and take some shots down field.

Prediction: 24-14.

Giants +4 (-110) vs 49ers

It might seem odd to make a very strong play on a team that just gave up over 500 yards of total offense with 350 of those coming on the ground, but hear me out.  This is situational betting at it’s best.   Most of the country sees the G Men get  dismantled by the defending champs and also see the 49ers beat the Saints in New Orleans.  Believe  me,  that’s not the whole story.  New York and Seattle was tied going into the 4th and the Niners were handed that  game by the Saints.  Also we have the  Niners on the second of back to back road games with this being a 1p m Eastern start time from they guys from San Fran.  This line could very well go up as the week goes along, especially is Joe Public sees more Egyptian Squidbert Beats commercials.  I’m confident that a Coughlin led team will still play with pride and I see the  Giants winning outright.

Prediction: 27-23

2 Unit Plays

Chiefs Pick (-125) vs Seahawks

This comes down to me not believing in the Seahawks on the road, the genius offensive strategy of Andy Reid (I won’t discuss his in game decisions at this time), and a very good home field advantage. The Chiefs’ D is legit and their running ability and solid work of Alex Smith should allow them to pull out the win.  Seahawks just don’t have the weapons on offense and that tough secondary won’t come into play because seemingly KC plays without WRs thus explaining no touchdowns to WR in over a year.

Prediction: 23-17

Cardinals -1 (-120) vs Lions

Poor Carson Palmer…two times in his career he has been the leader of a solid, playoff team and two times his ACL has decided to check out.  This is a big loss, but not as big to the Cardinals as it would be to other teams.  This team is well coached and balanced on both sides of the ball and their approach won’t change.  I’m going with another team that has a good home field advantage versus a fraudulent team.  Don’t let the Lions’ 7-2 record fool you…they’re good but not that good.  The way I see it they have two legit wins…over Green Bay at home and I’ll give them last week’s win over the Dolphins at home.  They have won their last three games by a combined six points.   This includes the Falcons debacle in London that gave them a do over on a game winning FG after being down 21-0 at the half and scoring two TDs in the final 3:30 against the Saints.  It’s great they can make comebacks but you can only walk that tightrope for a while.  They were throttled by a bad Carolina team on the road and lost a home game to the Bills…so it’s safe to say this isn’t a dominate team.  They do have a great defense and Megatron is getting healthier but I’ll take  a complete  team at home.

Prediction: 26-17

1 Unit Plays

Rams +10 (-120) vs Broncos

I know its not a safe play going against the best stat padding QB of time here, but I’m sticking with my system.  We all know that Denver can score so I’ll move on.  The Rams are always a tough out at home.  This  season they have a home win over the Seahawks, blew a game vs the Niners that was just a weird game, and only lost by 3 to the Cowboys.  This week they’re going back to Shaun Hill after the Austin Davis experiment started producing mass turnovers (I would’ve stuck with him cause  Lord Favre said he will be great), not sure this makes much of a difference.  They’ll rely on their D and home field.  I expect this line to go up  as we get closer to game time as John Q Public’s boners  for Manning get larger.

Prediction: 24-27

Titans +7 (-125) vs Steelers

I guess the real question is…”Who are the real Steelers?” Well, they’re a bunch of round mouths coached by retarded Omar Epps…wait..sorry I’ll keep my personal feelings out of this…Are they the team that put up nearly 100 points on the Colts and Ravens or are they the team that has lost to the Bucs and Jets and squeaked by the Jags.  I’ll go with the latter.  Coach Epps is a horrible coach that allows his team to play down to the competition (it’s a fact that’s been going on for sometime).  This is a second road game in a row and I don’t care if it’s a bad Titan’s team with a rookie QB.  This line opened at 5 and now at 7….go ahead, keep putting money on the Steelers and drive the juice down some more.

Prediction:  20-19

Patriots +3 (-115) @ Colts

Tom Brady. The Hooded Genius. Getting Points.

Prediction: 28-27

It seems that I’ve taken 6 home teams this week, with half of those being home dogs.  I’ll take it.  It looks like traditional sharp plays, but it does fit the system.

TEASER

10 pt/ 5 teams

Bears +7, Rams +20, Giants +14, Chargers -1.5, Cards +9

Pays 1.7 to 1 (for you dummies: Risk $100 to win $170)

MONEYLINE PARLAY

Browns, Packers, Saints, Redskins

Pays 2.56 to 1 (Risk $100 to win $256)

 * For tracking purposes, all teaser and parlays will be 1 Unit Plays.

raw

The Morning After Raw 11-10

So last week was great. I don’t want to damn with feint praise but I can’t remember a better written episode of Raw in the immediate past. Then again I just saw the Too Many Cooks video today so there’s no way Raw could ever compete with the complete brilliance that held. Anyways. Whatever happened today happened over 5 hours ago as the WWE is in England, so let’s all act surprised. Raw is live from tape from Liverpool and they still haven’t won a league title in almost 25 years. spoiler: Ryback heel turn and face turn.
Sorry.

Raw begins how it should with Wade Barr-John Cena. Cena says Ryder is shelved because of the Authority. Nice spin on an injury. Cena says those who aren’t injured in the back are all intimidated out of competing for his team. Nice burial of all the faces in the locker room. I guess Justin Gabriel can just go eat a dick. Cena brings out Ryback and apparently is here to ask him to join. Cena says it doesn’t matter if he has 4 teammates or none he’s still going to stand up and fight like a man, and the Internet takes a knowing gulp.

The Authority interrupt and out comes Henry with them. He should’ve been the muscle of The Authority months ago but whatever why give him something interesting to do? ‘Where’s the network’ chant by the audience. Fans screaming at the WWE to have the opportunity to throw 10$ a month at their feet.

In the darkest moment the world will cry out for someone to sell them goods. And the WWE will whisper back ‘No’.

Triple H laughs at the idea of Jack Swagger being on Team Cena and goes on to mock Cena for even considering him. That’s it. Jack, just quit, go to TNA, go be the Dragon Gate champ. You’ll fit in there. You’ll be liked.

Anyways The Authority and Cena both pitch Ryback and he decided by smashing Cena with a Spinebuster. Ryback doesn’t betray his character as he’s out for himself in this situation and it makes sense. Team Authority is like all my favorite wrestlers right now…and Kane.

And not Cesaro. Fuck.

Seth Rollins w/Noble and Mercury vs Jack Swagger w/Zeb Colter

A nice ‘Jamie Noble’ chant to start us off as I try to figure out what about Swagger screams ‘book me as a face in England’. Sure enough though the fans in England just look for a reason to chant something and take the ‘We The People!’ cue. Swagger locks in a couple Patriot Locks but eventually falls to a Curb Stomp and everything you know about Swagger holds true.

After the match Swagger eats another Curb Stomp and here we are.  With Swagger face down in the ring while I get sad. This can’t be the Swagger written off tv segment can it?

Ambrose/Wyatt video package followed up by Ambrose promo saying he looks forward to going to hell with Wyatt. Oh. Well that’s unfortunate. Glad these two are having a slow build without a conventional match based feud. Pros and vignettes are more than enough for me. Hopefully less hell will be involved for everyone’s sake.

New Day promo with Xavier. This is happening. I am excited.

Paige vs Alicia Fox

JBL calls Paige a great champion. She doesn’t have the belt. So apparently Paige and Alicia Fox aren’t friends anymore. Paige wins after a good Divas match I already don’t remember.

Steph confronts Lana backstage about joining, it gets a little testy, more on this later in some loser’s poorly written fantasy in some creepy fan fiction post.

Rusev in the ring with Lana with some guy to read a proclamation, we get it he is and continues to be Russian. Sheamus interrupts the Russian national anthem and that’s kind of a horrible thing to do. More proclamation readings on next week’s episode Triple H if you read thuan

United States Championship Match
Sheamus vs Rusev (c) w/ Lana

How many dumb tweets and message board posts will be made about ‘a Bulgarian and an Irishman wrestle for the United States Title in England’? That doesn’t count, I’m mocking the idea, no you’re a dick. 4 minutes in and these two are beating the shit out of each other. Strong Style prevails as Sheamus takes a Fall Away Slam onto the announce table as he hits with a dull thud. Lawler makes the bad joke about the nationalities/setting in a US Title bout. Thanks for coming out Jerry.

As the match goes on and Sheamus’ hair flattens and his facial hair becomes a mess he starts to look more like Paul Orndorff. Sheamus and Rusev are going for it tonight. It’s not a fantastic match but at least it’s a brutal one. Sheamus eventually loses by a count out and I guess this will continue over to Survivor Series. Hopefully no one dies in the process.

Backstage Lana and Rusev agree to join The Authority and they have some weird tweener vibe and look put off by Steph. Looks like the Sheamus thing concluding at Survivor Series isn’t even in consideration, so then, moving on.

Los Matadores w/El Torito vs Miz and Mizdow w/mini Miz

Anything less than a Road Warriors squash for MizMizdow is unacceptable. Hornswoggle as Mini-Miz is enjoyable to initially see but after a couple seconds of seeing him I’ve had enough. Crowd is electric for Mizdow. Miz plays up to the crowd teasing a tag that doesn’t happen. Heel! Tag to Mizdow. Place explodes. I love you England. Blind tag by Miz to get back in, basic heelsmenship. Nicely done Miz. Miz eventually pins one of them or something and that’s a finish all right.

Backstage Cena says Swagger is out and it’s down to him and Ziggler. Cena gives Ziggler the out to leave and he can wrestle them 5 on 1. Which I’m sure he has his eyes closed and is praying for. Ziggler takes the super baby face rout and tells Cena he will never give up what with his Hustle, Loyalty and Respect and what not. Trips joins them in the back and sings ‘Another one bites the dust’ and I’m reminded how great Queen was.

Dolph Ziggler vs Mark Henry

Please don’t hurt him Mark. You know I love you but I can’t take this. Match begins and we have a nice prototypical hit and run size discrepancy match. Dolph starts out with a nice Dropkick that misses by about 3 feet. Botch. Botch. Uh oh guys. What’s going on? Now that the match goes to shit Henry hits Ziggler in the face with a chair and…we have violence. Henry puts the steps in the ring and I can’t take this. Big Show’s music hits and we have a 3rd boring terrible member of Team Cena. Big Show and Henry have a bad pushing match with the stairs and I’m wondering if the WWE knows they could have edited all this.

New day promo with Kofi. This is coming along nicely.

Big Show officially joins Team Cena backstage and Cena is excited like he hasn’t personally seen Show flip heel 25 times himself.

AJ vs Brie w/Nikki

Nikki has a tiny varsity jacket and looks like an asshole in it. Like a tiny Kevin Sullivan. Running Knee by Brie misses by about 4 feet and I’m fast forwarding through this misery.

Clips of a soldier taking his first steps since being paralyzed and I am officially bawling my eyes out.

Adam Rose vs Tyson Kidd

Did I mention Raw was 3 hours now?

Adam Rose I guess is turning heel on the bunny. Smackdown hasn’t been very good lately. Eric Rowand shows up during the match and thus begins his slow anchor like descent back to obscurity and that’s him now. The bunny distracts Rose and Kidd gets a Sharpshooter on Rose. Did you know that was Kidd’s finisher? After the match the bunny tries to console Rose and he continues to be boring and who cares?

John Cena vs Ryback

Questions of loom throughout the night about Ryback’s ability to be a teammate and Team Authority’s other members of all voiced their concerns. This screams of a face turn again as the WWE seems to be leading towards having yet another tweener.

Ryback has been back for 2 weeks and he’s already back in the main event. Somewhere Cesaro is wondering what the shit happened to ‘slow burns’. Ryback knocked down into Kane, see what’s happening here guys? Ryback continually fails to get booed by the Liverpool crowd. Maybe he has to give a late goal up against Chelsea for him to be properly booed in Liverpool. Get
It guys? Your football club sucks. Ryback debuts about 4 or 5 different new moves I never saw him even attempt previously. None of them are very good however.

It’s a decent main event so keeping with the theme over the past two plus months Kane eventually ruins it by interjecting himself. I’m not mad with you Kane, I’m just disappointed. Ryback eventually turns on The Authority and here we are. Feudin’. 4 on Cena beat down.

Sheamus hits the ring. Taken out. Big
Show hits the ring. Taken out. Ryback looks to have joined Team Cena.
Ziggler hits the ring.

Raw ends with Ziggler being thrown at Trips and Steph’s feet. Luke Harper standing over him. Well. That’s interesting.

This week’s haiku
Too many cooks, fuck
Everyone is a tweener
Too Many Cooks, fuuuuuck

Spot of the Week

The Good and the Bad
Good
1
Ryback’s big night
2 Ryback!!
3 Ambrose vs Wyatt promo

Bad
1
Henry vs Ziggler
2 Swagger dismantling
3 AJ vs Brie

Survivor Series Card

Team Cena (Cena, Show, Ryback Sheamus, Ziggler) vs Team Authority (Kane, Rollins, Rusev, Harper, and Henry)

Dean Ambrose vs Bray Wyatt

Divas Title Match
Nikki Bella vs AJ (c)

United States Title Match
Sheamus vs Rusev (c)

youtube

AlternaPodcast: Empire of the Wolf

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One of, if not THE, most intelligent conversations I have had with a creator. Michael Kogge has crafted a story with more layers than I could ever be successful in explaining. A high concept that works and should be acknowledged. This is why the medium was created!

Follow Michael on Twitter @michaelkogge.
Follow Tim on Twitter @thinblueghost.
Follow AlternaPodcast on Twitter @alternapodcast.
Like Empire of the Wolf on Facebook.
Download Empire of the Wolf at Comixology.

Play
youtube

AlternaPodcast: The Dolridge Sacrament

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Kubricky? Perhaps Lynchian? Big names that are associated with an unsettling quality?

The Dolridge Sacrament, from Wilson Taylor and Maia Gross, successfully provokes the type of atmosphere that draws you in only to make you want to escape. Listen as they share their insights into The Dolridge House!

Follow Wilson on Twitter @mrfistsalad.
Follow Tim on Twitter @thinblueghost.
Follow AlternaPodcast on Twitter @alternapodcast.
Like The Dolridge Sacrament on Facebook.
Download The Dolridge Sacrament at Comixology.

Play
hotrod

AlternaPodcast: The Chair Gets ROWDY

In keeping with my determination to bring you as close to all things Alterna as possible I chatted with Peter Simeti about how things are progressing on The Chair. Due to some conflicts in scheduling Eric Roberts had to bow out but none other than Roddy Piper stepped in. Roddy’s involvement has been finalized along with a slew of other folks that should ring a bell. Also in talks and awaiting confirmation are The Walking Dead’s Lew Temple, and American Horror Story’s Naomi Grossman. I will be catching up with as many of the cast members possible in the following months as they prepare for the film to start shooting in February. Listen to the always enthusiastic Peter Simeti update us on his journey!

Follow Peter on Twitter @petersimeti.
Follow The Chair on Twitter @thechairhorror
Follow Tim on Twitter @thinblueghost.
Follow AlternaPodcast on Twitter @alternapodcast.
Like The Chair on Facebook.
Download The Chair at Comixology.

Play

The Morning After Raw

‘Between a blink and a tear’

If you took part in or even listened to last week’s wrestlecast you hate wrestling as much as me. My life :collapsed in on itself during that moment and I sincerely hope that after a good start with last week’s Raw the WWE capitalizes and continues its good momentum. Raw is live from Buffalo New York(ugh) and I c-VINCE!

Vince’s music hits and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve missed this shithead. Yeah he’s done some horrendous things, yeah he blew it with a lot of talent over the years, playing favorite, being a racist sexist monster bigot billionaire, but he’s ours. It’s like watching our uncle come walking into your house. You instantly forget all the wrong he’s done to you over the years. You instantly forget the names of Rhodes and Hart and …Vader? What’s Vader’s name? Who cares, the point is my uncle is back and I don’t care what a total asshole he is.

Vince references beating the US government, Ted Turner…god. He sets a stipulation for Survivor Series and…proceeds to walk back up the ramp. …sigh Dean Ambrose’s music hits and now I got 4 minutes of Vince and replacement level Stone Cold. Anyways if The Authorty team loses at Survivor Series The Authority will have to break up. Which of course means that the WWE will have no hierarchy and no administration. So yeah this is dumb. Apparently my picture isn’t working, either that or Steph is wearing a magic 3D eye poster for a dress. What the fuck does she have on? Throw it away.

Backstage segment between Vince, Steph and Trips. Audio is out of sync and I don’t know what’s going on. Tonight is weird.

Dean Ambrose vs Cesaro

Cole says Cesaro will be staying neutral in The Authority vs Team Ceba match, which loosely translates to ‘not making the cut’. I honestly don’t believe in wins or losses unless you’re the #1 guy like a Hogan or a Cena you don’t really need to win so much as you just need to come off looking good or at the very least get an ample amount of airtime for your character. Cesaro has been made a fucking clown of lately. There is an idea that last week when Cesaro got a pop for saying ‘Cena and Orton are boring’ it didn’t help his positioning in the back. I don’t think anyone says anything off the cuff on a live mic so I don’t know if I believe that. This week on Smackdown Cesaro had a pumpkin on his head and took a finisher. Ambrose bounces Cesaro’s head off a barrier a dozen times and now I kind of wish I was someone else doing anything else. Cesaro bleeding. Commentary doesn’t comment of course, god forbid they acknowledge what is plain to see by all watching. Last week JBL praised Hogan’s crowd reaction when there was complete silence. Why do this? People have eyes and can see receptions and pictures. Stop always selling you assholes. It’s insulting. Lights go out and we have Bra-commercials? What?

Back from commercial and Wyatt is on the ramp. Did the WWE use a gimmick for a commercial break? Go die WWE. In clearly frustrated with the WWE as of late. Maybe I should reel it in. Cole makes note that Cesaro’s wound has been sealed up or whatever, ok? Lil’ Naitch has latex gloves on now? What is this? NIGEL! I’m not sure I’m in love with Ambrose, but as long as he uses that clothesline I will appreciate him. Tornado DDT countered into Swiss Death, why can’t the WWE figure out how to use him? Ambrose hits a Suicide Dive and finally sees Wyatt, and the lunatic fringe…continues with the match? What is lunaticy about that? Dirty Deeds 123. This was an ok match.

An Uso w/the other Uso vs Miz w/Sandow

Alternate Uso watching Sandow mimicking Miz rolling around outside with his hands on his hips on disbelief is a perfect addition to this match. The other Uso joins in mimicking his brother and the match outside of the ring is infinitely more interesting than the match inside it. Eventually Mizdow takes a Superkick outside of the ring and I guess the WWE thought that wouldn’t cause a massive Boo for The Usos? Sometimes I’m not sure what people booking expect when they book this stuff. Oh well. Miz hits his finisher for the pin and I still don’t know what to think of The Usos.

Sheamus vs Tyson Kidd w/Natalya

Sheamus will be defending the US Title directly after Raw? Really? On the Network? This is a great idea as to how to draw people to your Network especially considering the Network is free in the month of November for everyone but me apparently for being dumb enough to pay in advance. I think to play it safe I paid through 2026. Ok so, Tyson Kidd is here. Fact. Tyson Kidd’s spray tan is especially hilarious when in the ring with Sheamus, dude looks like a leather crafted pouch. Sheamus usually only has good matches with huge brawlers, Tyson Kidd is the exception tonight as this match is pretty enjoyable all things considering. Eventually Natalya inadvertently gets between Sheamus and Kidd outside and it costs Sheamus a count out. Back in the ring Sheamus lights up Kidd with a Brogue Kick…you know…like a face would. TURN SHEAMUS HEEL ALREADY! Maybe they did 2 years ago and I didn’t notice.

Dolph Ziggler vs hmmm

So the sun, the moon, the stars makes his way out to the ring and following him is the entire Authority. I guess The Authority will slowly express being upset with anyone on Team Cena. Slowly making their lives hell etc it’s happened a million times. Steph then announces the first 3 members Rollins, Kane and Orton will be on Team Authority. Sure.

Triple H has the mic and expresses the fair idea that if Team Cena wins Cena will get all the credit and if they lose Ziggler gets all the heat. Well that’s just mean Hunter. Triple H goes on. Trips tells Ziggler that there’s a glass ceiling and no matter how much Ziggler tried he ‘Can’t See through it’. Wait… What? Cena will always get all the glory no matter how much Ziggler tries. Triple H tells Ziggler that no matter how hard he works he’ll never pass Cena.

I am getting a nosebleed.

Triple H continues to ask Ziggler what he would like in exchange for saying No to Cena. Ziggler refuses. So now Triple H is left with no alternative to not give the audience what it wants and tweets him begging for and he can’t get behind Ziggler. Cena keeps Ziggler from reaching his potential because Triple H doesn’t have a reason to get behind him. I’m actually sweating. Triple H then makes a match.

Intercontinental Title Match
Seth Rollins vs Dolph Ziggler (c)

I stood for the entire commercial break taking deep breaths with my hands on my knees. It’s not that I care about Ziggler having the belt really. This is just huge. Ziggler currently isn’t just the guy defending the belt anymore. He’s in the biggest storyline. This is heavy. Thanks Brock. With people not just having matches for arbitrary pieces of metal clad leather the stories are free to develop their own values without needing props and stories find their own way to exist. Like procreating raptors in Jurassic Park, life finds a way. JBL and Cole are talking about things I think. I don’t notice. Triple H just stood in a ring and acknowledged he doesn’t get behind Ziggler despite the audiences wishes. I can hear my stomach lining tear away into an ulcer.

Back from break and I haven’t blinked or retained anything other than what is happening in this match. Describing a match is difficult I really only discuss high spots because what goes on between is kind of assumed I would think. Buffalo while not a bad crowd, had been kind of beat down in the last couple segments and now they’re slowly becoming more and more awake. I would prefer it if they’d all stand, but whatever, when you live an exciting Buffalo life I guess it takes a lot to get a reaction out of you. Seriously guys get into this god damn match you fuck pigs. Curb Stomp and I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what to think. What does this mean.

The next 30 seconds last what seems 4 hours. Who can save him? Cena isn’t here. I hear a roar rise up from the monsters in the crowd. Please fucking god not Sheamus or The Usos. That makes no sense. Why did I even think of them? Ambrose is doing the Wyatt thing. Mysterio is supposedly coming back. God if he comes out I may quit wrestling. Maybe it’s Cesaro, Fandango and Cody Rhodes and they’re about to reform the horsemen and maybe my dog will come back to life and my ex-girlfriend discovers a lump. None of this. Orton. You gorgeous motherfucker. RKO on Rollins and we have ourselves a tweener!

Ps my favorite part from last week was Triple H’s ‘god damn it’ face after Orton hit the RKO on Rollins. If you’re like me, you hate face Orton. But Orton could truly take over the Jake Roberts role of self interest seeking jerkface mentality tweener moving between storylines adapting however necessary. Some people call that flipflopping but as long as they keep their motives consistent it works. So as long as Orton doesn’t end up pandering I’m all in.

Rewatched the match now that I can find the strength to exhale and it was a very strong match. I think I’m at an event horizon with Ziggler. I love him too much to think about anything else. Triple H’s best promos as far as in concerned have been when he plays up to the internet crowd and tonight was a great gut retching example of that. I wasn’t ready to have feelings like this tonight.

Orton backstage yelling at The Authority, this is his best work as a character so far. I’m utterly in shock. All you needed to do was to put Orton out there with the understanding that he is out screwing everyone over being a prick hating the audience and only wanting his own glory. He was handcuffed as the personality free corporate champion and despite playing it well it rendered him to be ultimately toothless. Orton now is playing a reckless self obsessed douchebag perfectly. They say the best wrestling characters is their own personality turned up to 11. And here we are. Just in time for Orton to take time off to go film some horrible WWE movie 72 people will see that’s a sequel to a movie 86 people saw. Looks like Orton gets written off TV tonight or he’ll be pulling double duty(no chance). Maybe he’s out at Survivor Series. I guess we’ll see.

Titus O’Neil in the ring as we get back from break spelling his own name and I’m all ears as to see where this goes. Oh. Nowhere. Yeah that checks out.

Ryback vs Titus O’Neil

Oh that’s too bad. I took a week off last week and THE BIG GUY came back. Figures. I deserve it. Ryback getting huge reactions and now even has the grammatically correct airbrushed tights. I guess hoping that was just a perfect detail of Ryback trolling the audience was too beautiful of a world to exist. Oh well. Anyways, Ryback wins after some small offensive parts by Titus for whatever reason. Reminder: Feed Ryback More.

Big Show promo, apparently he’s upset Henry turned heel on him. I’m upset they’re not a tag team, I’m upset Henry keeps flip flopping back and forth. I’m also crushed that Big Show is probably going to win this feud should it not just conclude tonight.

Big Show vs Mark Henry

Is there anything worse than JBL pretending he’s never seen something he’s seen multiple times? Acting like he’s never seen these two have a match before or never seeing the ring collapse is just insulting. JBL went from a strong commentator to maybe the worst we’ve ever had. He’s just a infomercial guy now. I missed pointed jabs JBL, I miss heel commentary, it’s been years since the WWE had a good heel commentator. I guess it goes back to Lawler 10+ years ago but it could even go back to Ventura 20+ ago. Big Show locks in a Calf Cutter and I wonder where we are? A Calf Cutter? Big Show to the top rope? What’s going on guys? Henry eventually lays Big Show out on the steps and we will apparently have further advancement. World’s Strongest Slam on the ring steps. Ouch. Henry taunting is the best part of wrestling. Thank you for happening.

Nikki Bella w/Brie vs Emma

Nikki pins Emma or something

Zack Ryder in the ring as we get back from break. Oh no.

Zack Ryder vs Rusev w/Lana

So Rusev will be winning the belt later tonight and in the mean time he’s going to squash a guy who was more organically over than Sheamus ever was despite being stuffed down people’s throats. Ryder loses. Rusev wins. Lana calls America a cock.

Steph invites Rusev to be on Team Authority. Lana says she will think about it. That’s a huge variable in this whole plan.

Stardust w/Goldust vs a Los Matadores w/El Torito and the other Los Matadores

Is this it? This is where the tag team belts are? Mizdow and Miz distraction and the guy in the mask no one cares about pins one of the WWE’s best talents. Fuck.

Randy Orton vs Seth Rollins

So I guess this match is to blow off steam. Sure. I dot hcare. I just want to see a great match. Is it weird that the only way to not have a match with an Authorty member end with Kane-ery is to have them wrestle each other.

Superplex. Gorgeous. Back body drop, Rollins lands on feet? how? Enziguri into Curb Stomp reversed into Powerslam. Ok this match is incredible. Backslide by Rollins 123. That was sudden.

After the match Orton shakes hands with Noble, Mercury, Kane and hugs Rollins before eventually RKO-ing him and taking out The Authority. Orton is amazing. Orton goes for The Punt but is eventually talked out of it by Trips. Orton turns on Trips. RKO on Noble. Curbstomp on Orton on the announce table. Orton is bleeding. This is great.

Triple H beside himself consulting with Stephanie who tells him to ‘finish this’. This is exceptional. Orton eats a Curb Stomp off the announce table onto the steel steps. Orton is left bleeding as Rollins stands over him and no one could complain about this. Fantastic Raw.

Oh wait I forgot Rusev is about to win the belt. WWE pushing the Network, this makes all the sense in the world. Come on.

Bonus Match:
US Title Match
Rusev vs Sheamus (c)

Don’t get used to this I work at 5 tomorrow but I wanted to see Sheamus vs Rusev. Sheamus, who I believe is limited to who he has good matches with. Rusev is his perfect partner though. Big body, tough athletic guy who can have a stiff explosive match with and 2 minutes in when Sheamus goes for his Shoulderblock off the apron and Rusev turns it into a Powerslam I realize I made the right decision to stay up.

I don’t know how to describe a match like this. Suffice to say ‘ow’ would be said a lot. Sheamus misses the Brogue Kick in the corner and gets hung up, Jumping Side Kick to Sheamus face. Rusev locks in the accolade and we have a new US Champion.

Haiku of the Night
Wrestlecast was piss
Orton’s swan song was perfect.
Triple H said what?

Spot of the Night
Rusev Powerslam

The Good and The Bad
Good
1 Orton
2 Ziggler vs Rollins
3 Ambrose vs Cesaro

Bad
1 Los Matadores pins tag team champ
2 Big Show promo
3 Steph’s dress

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