The Day After Raw for February 16, 2015

Jed needs a day, I need a snow plow. A little stir crazy being stuck in the house for a few days with the wife and kids. Time will pass faster with a Raw Recap…right?

Raw opens with Cena and he’s making his way to the ring with a purpose. He’s here to call out Rusev and in typical John Cena fashion he makes it seem important. Rusev and Lana come out to speak their peace. I have to give WWE some credit with this. This is a great way to get the dumb fans to chant USA and forget about “Cena Sucks” chant. Also, giving us something to care about other than the main event. This could be good for a bit. Cena goes on the attack and slams Rusev a few times on the ramp and then delivers a fantastic, stiff clothesline that would make Nikita proud. Refs come out to offer some resistance and how dare you Cena for pointing at Mike Chioda (I think). Segment ends with the great John Cena standing over Rusev after delivering 10 crowd count-a-long punches. I hate everyone that chants “Cena Sucks”. His effort and ability should make everyone bow.

Michael Cole shoe horns in a relevant pop culture reference comparing Dean Ambrose’s sketch to Weekend Update. Ambrose has on a wrinkled suit that makes him look like a middle aged alcoholic at an interview to be a telemarketer. Wants Barrett to sign the horribly designed contract to face him at Fastlane.

Dean Ambrose vs Luke Harper

I really hope that Luke’s beige elbow brace was done on purpose. It looks gross and dirty but I’m sure it was the only lying around. The pacing in this match seems off and is annoying me. Luke’s creepy “HHEEEYYY” rattles me from a nap. Commercial break and we’re back to see what we missed during the break that was shown live on the app…that’s a serious marketing ploy? Terrible. Match gets better down the stretch with a few near falls and Ambrose finishes it with his “Dirty Deeds”.

Trips, Kane, and Big Show backstage….awful. Go home Big Show and Kane…forever.

Bray doing what Bray does and I assume he’s referencing The Undertaker.

Stardust and Goldust are joined by their loving father backstage. Dusty tires to talk some sense into Stardust. That’ll probably work. I refuse to rag on Dusty’s looks because as a chubby child, watching him and his tits deliver elbow after to elbow to foes in the ring gave me the confidence to become a chubby adult…well anyway I like Dusty. The timing of the Dominoes commercial showing a pizza cutter go across a pizza did make me think of his jacked up forehead.

Goldust & Stardust vs New Day (Kofi & Xavier)

Dust Brothers’ entrance has more charisma than half the roster. These guys are good at everything. Big E is annoying as ever…if “New Daaaayyeee” chant becomes a thing, I’ll pray to go deaf. Crowd hates this match…because of New Day. Dustin is still so good in the ring. Cody turns. New Day gets the win, Cole says the wrong guy gets the pin. Something something look alike.

Reigns backstage, interviewed by Taye Diggs. Segment runs way too long and explains his feud in so much detail that it rivals CBS dramas explaining the plots to their Senior Citizen audience.

Dusty confronts Cody to no avail. Cody can sell this as a heel. Keep the look.

Roman Reigns vs Kane

Kane with slacks = Corporate Kane…Kane with flame tights = Demon…I get it. What is with these camera zooms? It was there with Cena/Rusev and here it is again. It’s like someone shooting an action movie before special effects were invented. Stop it unless you’re a 15 year old White Dwain making his friends fake rob a local video store. Danial Bryan at ringside, doing his “Yes” chant is annoying. Am I the only one getting tired of this? Reigns lacks the focus of today’s great athletes cause he’s clearly distracted. Reigns wins by count out.

Hi, Bray.

Bellas steal Paige’s clothes and Chris just fired up his DVR. Paige grabs a Rosebud.

Paige vs Summer Rae

Paige comes out wearing the Rosebud’s clothes to take on the worst in ring worker in history. Puts Summer in the PTO, which looks like a cool move. Paige probably shouldn’t attempt this after a bean burrito cause she gets in a pretty deep squat. Chris just paused it.

Promo for Shemus’ return. I can assure you I’m the only Casual Hero who wants this.

Seth Rollins is ripping on Presidents Day and John Stewart (good). I’m too distracted to know the details. By what ? A sign being held behind reads “You Sold Out” with puzzle pieces on it…Why would anyone still be holding that sign? What do the puzzle pieces mean? Why is there a young, studious black man holding it? Sorry, my mind is gonna collapse into itself if I don’t GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!

Dolph comes out and tries to reference a child’s car seat and calls it a “car chair”

Seth Rollins vs Dolph Ziggler

Typical solid match made better by ref Teddy Long 2.0. Zig Zag! J & J interrupts . Rowan and Ryback out to help. Huge “Feed Me More” chant.

Trips in the ring. Talking about Sting. Crowd delivers a very half hearted “We Want Sting” chant that goes into a “Yes” thing again….again. Flair comes out. Noticeably less drunk than Normal. Puts Trips in his place. Trips shoves him down. Somebody hold Gavin back.

We see a clip of Cena on Parks & Rec. I’m now dreaming of a cross promotion Cena & Ron Swanson tag match.

Hey look it’s Darren Young! What’s going on with him? It’s like a reverse Michael Jackson. He’s now Djimon Hounsou dark.

The Ascension vs Darren Young & Some Guy

Stuff happens then it’s Titus O’Neal to the rescue. The Primetime Players are back!!! I gave that a few exclamation points cause the crowd gave it the complete opposite.

Miz and BNB talking backstage.

Bad News Barrett vs Damien Mizdow

Miz sat ringside and rang a bell and gave orders that obviously distracted Mizdow but in doing so it caused the crowd to go uber silent and they had no clue how to react or when to. BNB hits the Bullhammer for the win. Ambrose storms the ring, zip ties BNB to the corner post and forces him to sign the Fastlane match contract. It’s legal….it checks out.

Bray now driving an Undertaker nail into wood. Are the writers from “Gotham” in charge? Subtlety is not in attendance.

Jimmy Uso & Naomi vs Tyson Kidd & Natalya

I couldn’t care less about this match. Cesaro is there in tight black T shirt and black tights and looks menacing. If that were me, I’d show up for job interviews just like that. Uso win and Tyson scolds his wife…he should.

Daniel Bryan vs Big Show

It’s really getting hard to look at Bryan. With that long hair and ever growing beard, his neck is nowhere to be seen, he looks like a creepy mascot or The Burger King.

Reigns is at ring side and now it’s his turn to distract Bryan and he’s doing it by….MINGLING WITH THE CROWD. Autographs, selfies, and throwing merchandise seemingly enrages Bryan. This is weird. Is Bryan afraid Reigns will win the Yes Zombies over with a medium T? Show needs to be shut down. He looks unhealthy and can’t move anymore. We’re gonna see Lil Natch with defibrillators, straddling his stomach at some point. They spill outside. Bryan side steps a Show spear and he nails Reigns. Back in the ring,Yes Lock applied, Show gets out. Bryan is about to do something and Reigns intervenes with a Superman Punch on show thus disqualifying Bryan and giving Show the win. Bryan and Reigns scuffle for a while afterwards. I like this much better than the mutual respect handshakes for three segments.

Tonight’s Poem
Sitting , staring, cursing the barricade of snow.
Trapped…uhm spending time with the kids…
Forget it…I hate the Usos

Spot of the Night
Cena’s Nikita clothesline on Rusev

2. Stardust
3. Cesaro’s shirt

Big E’s everything
2. Show’s flexibility
3. Awful distractions

The Morning After Raw for February 9, 2015

‘Let’s hit reset’

According to dirt sheets Vince has changed the main event to Wrestlemania and Bryan vs Lesnar vs Reigns is happening. I like that main event but at the same time I hate the idea of the WWE changing their mind over a couple weeks of reactions. Why even bother? Whatever. NXT is Wednesday and I’m just thrilled its almost here. Raw is live from Ohio State University where the college athletes get paid more than the WWE guys and… I’m snowed in in Boston. Holy shit why is Seth Rollins cock all over twitter?

Raw starts off with Roman Reigns on the microphone, yikes. The one thing that the WWE absolutely shouldn’t be doing. Reigns still needs to establish himself and he can’t do it with the microphone in his hand. More on Reigns establishing himself, Reigns comes out looking like he’s still in The Shield, with the same entrance, the same music, same look, and everyone is wondering now wha?. He’s been good the last couple weeks. Hitting power moves, being the silent killer and being handsome. So let’s screw it up by having him talk.

Daniel Bryan comes out, finally someone who can talk. Yikes. The Authority follow out not long after in order to wrap everything up an hopefully point this in a direction. It’s not bad, it’s just not a thing yet. Trips calls out Sting, remember that’s a thing? Subtle Katie Vick reference by Bryan, while Kane stands next to him. I smiled. I’m enjoying Raw tonight. I think I am. Opening segment under 15 minutes? Is that a record?

The Big Show and Kane vs Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns

I mean, this isn’t too bad right? This would be a great tag team. Bryan sells and wrestles, hot tag to Reigns. Finish. Tag Team division is viewed as a bastard love child though so forget all that. I’m excited, at least we get Kane and The Big Show out of the way early. Decent match ends when Big Show throws Bryan into the time keepers area, which is the worst DQ of all time.

After the match Bryan and Reigns have dissension after a poorly timed dropkick. Then The Authority go and fucking make a 7 man main event and I’m miserable.

Ryback vs Seth Rollins w/J and J Security

Ryback having a good match, thrown out when J and J Security get involved. I hate wrestling. Cole and Booker T make note that this happens too much. Yeah guys, no fuck. Raw is becoming Nitro in the late 90s, just with no alternative to lose ground to.

Brie Bella w/Nikki vs Paige

Brie is becoming the Lanny of the Bella family pretty quickly. How long until Cena and Bryan confront their significant others about being total dicks? RamPaige(that’s a finisher in the WWE) 1 2 3, and why not?

Rusev and Lana out next to do a promo on Cena which I really hope doesn’t end with Cena calling her a slut or making fun of Rusev’s accent. Rusev presents a highlight reel of Cena getting beaten up. This is not helping this feud improve. Cena comes out after the video presentation with eye make up on trying to sell a bruised eye he had last week which should he heeled/95% heeled by now. Cena then cuts a great promo and we have a brawl! Rusev pokes the eye and Cena’s loss at Fastlane will make sense. When was the last time the WWE had a midcard feud people will notice? This is great.

Dolph Ziggler vs Bray Wyatt

Wyatt beat Ziggler last week, he doesn’t need to wrestle every week. I was just thinking this week how it would be great if the announce team would ask each other what they think Wyatt’s promos mean. Wyatt speaks, the announcers make a face and go back to plugging. I know picking on the announce team is becoming typical but guys, they stink.

I’m lost as to why the WWE uses this match to kill two segments in back to back weeks. Wyatt bleeding, camera zooms in on his face. Wait what? This could be a Main Event. This could be a Main Event at a PPV. MAMMOTH Clothesline on the floor. Sister Abigail 123. Very good match. Ziggler stay losing. I stay crying.

What a great surprise as Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman come walking out. Heyman is still very good by the way. Heyman does a great job hyping Bryan vs Reigns but ultimately says whoever wins will lose to Lesnar at Mania. And I hope he’s right.

Stardust and Goldust vs Big E and Kofi Kingston w/ Xavier Woods

We have time to kill. New Day come out to complete silence and I haven’t been this uncomfortable in a long time. The look of disappointment on their faces when they finish is just brutal. Guys I’m really sorry. Before the match gets started Stardust walks out and Kofi rolls up Goldust and whatever. Raw needs to be 15 minutes long. New Day please turn heel.

Triple H continues to call out Sting. Sting answers with body doubles, video editing and magic. I do not understand the whole Sting thing. Maybe I shouldn’t have watched TNA or WCW.

Masters of the Universe w/Natalya vs The Usos w/Naomi

Please don’t have an inter-gender 6 person match at Fastlane. Booker with fascinating commentary about The Usos should leave their wife in the back, you know, like Booker did with Sharmell. Springboard by Kidd into a Superkick by Jey Uso. Nice spot in a match full of decently entertaining yet thoroughly unimportant moments. Usos lose. Ok.

Rikishi in the Hall of Fame? He lasted like 4 years. What is this? Samoan Club stands tall at Wrestlemania 31? We did it for The Rock?

Sin Cara vs Mizdow w/Miz

Match sucked. Only saving grace was Miz mocking everything by making announcements on the mic through out it’s tortured existence. He’s the most natural heel in the company, mostly due to how infinitely hatable he is.

Curtis Axel in the ring as we return from commercial and as Cole reminds us that he’s a former Intercontinental champion I’m reminded how dead in the water that title is.

Dean Ambrose vs Curtis Axel

Isn’t it supposed to be Ambrose vs Barrett? Nigel clothesline, Dirty Deeds 1 2 3 and Ambrose’s momentum is pretty much all but dead. Nice work WWE.

Wyatt promo. Interesting things said. Commentary team pretends nothing happened.

Seth Rollins, J and J Security, Kane and Big Show vs Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns

Noble and Mercury are having a much better career now that they are retired. Seth Rollins naked pictures leaked before Raw so I hope everyone tunes in Thursday night to see him put the MITB briefcase on the line against whoever is about to have the briefcase. Anyways let’s just skip to the end where Reigns Spears Bryan.

Match starts. Beat down. Oh ok. Double Choke Slam on Reigns and I wonder what I’m watching. Bryan takes a 10 minute beating before Ryback, Rowan and Ziggler come out and pull Kane, Show and Rollins into the back. Reigns finishes off J and J Security and we end in a Spear on Bryan. Because formulas.

Tonight’s Haiku
Cena’s good promo
Bryan and Reigns shaping up
Holy Shit!!! Seth’s dick!!

Spot of the Night
Wyatt Clothesline on Ziggler

The Good and The Bad
Wyatt vs Ziggler
2 Cena’s promo
3 NXT commercials

double dose of Kane and Big Show
2 Seth Rollins push is over due to dick pics
3 New Day’s Entrance/them

Trailer Nihilism – Fantastic Four

Reboot. All I know is now that Chris Evans is playing Captain America they got a new Human Torch and there is some push back on him maybe being black, which I am not sure happened, or why anyone would feel that way other than LOLracism. So let’s all enjoy this excruciating journey together with one of my actual favorite comics being made into a dumb movie I won’t see.

Nice shot of New York, I look forward to seeing all of these buildings used as baseball bats by The Thing to smash the Skrulls space ships out of the air, only killing 30,000 in what will be an orgy of CGI and decadence.

Is that something to brag about? We are using that in the trailer? From the creators of a marginal film most of you have forgotten about. What a terrible self polluted selling line. From the Studio that brought you Matrix 3.

The stereotypes are strong with this one. Look at that innefficient lighting design!!! That is impressive. What electrician designed that and was immediately fired? Cool fake cat walk no one would ever go on for any purpose but you threw it in as background design. Maybe that’s what they use to change those lights? Hey set designer, stop accepting work out of protest for your own inadequacies.

Oh my sweet infinity gems!!! Kate Mara? I loved you, and you do this to me? I have to go see this stupid movie now. I liked super hero movies so much more when they were filled with actors I would refuse to see in other movies, let alone a movie where people fly and shoot fire. Between Rutherford, RDJ, Renner, and now Mara in Fantastic Four, it’s like my best friends are all turning on me. What’s next? Phillip Seymour Hoffman in a Hunger Games movie?

HE’S STEALING SOMETHING OUT OF THAT CAR!!! Seriously. This is what people were mad at? Sue Storm can have a black brother. It’s ok. Hulk can’t kill a robot in the Avengers series and people were mad about this? There’s been 2.5 black characters in Superhero movies. War Machine who is useless. Nick Fury who is powerless and is only used to be rescued/inspirational and half of Storm, who sucks. Don’t worry, the way Hollywood writes black roles by the time we get to the climax he will be acting like Kevin Hart.

Actual footage of me in the movie theater surrounded by mouth breathing fedora wearing mutants and the youth of America.

I KNEW IT!!! You guys just couldn’t get through one movie without blowing up midtown Manhattan. You’re starting a new franchise, why are you going to this well? Why not be the movie series that doesn’t do this stuff? Isn’t it easier? Marvel’s budget must consist of at least a 70% take devoted solely to smashing Manhattan. I wonder if these movies hit such a success rate that they build their own Manhattan as a cost effective method to being complete redundant assholes?

So where is this and why don’t the Fantastic Four need oxygen to be there? It looks like they’re in Asgard and about to meet Thor, but that’s only because Marvel is inherently unimaginitive and they will just continue to use similar settings. The good thing about this trailer is they didn’t give much away, you can’t really tell who or what is the villain and the final scene there shows no sign of giving away the story arch or the direction of the world around them. I still hate it.

Heel Turn of the Week – Brian Williams

In a world of the media going out of their way to use soldiers as tits to hold out in front of their audience and be worshipped in fleeting moments of sanctimonious conjecture, it’s nice to see a member of the fraternity actually be able to identify with what a soldier goes through. Or so we thought.

As it turns out Brian Williams is a complete monster and lied about being involved in a gunfight in Iraq in which helicopter got shot down. What’s weird is this didn’t launch him to fame, he already was a prominent figure of NBC news. This would be like Matt Damon lying to become Matt Damon. Either the situation is different than some people claim (American war heroes) or Brian Williams is basically a savage human being we should all chase off into the night never to be heard from again. I usually reserve judgment in these situations, but my torch and pitchfork are so seldom used that I’m excited to break them out.

We were taught that we could trust the man that sat behind the news desk. We learned that from Cronkite and Cosell, from Rather and Brokaw. There’s a reason the American news media is lambasted worldwide for being an inefficient propaganda machine that avoids covering actual stories. That reason is because…well, they’re right. Brian Williams has succumbed to the same curse that follows many professional wrestlers who hold a position of sway in what information makes it in front of the camera – he couldn’t resist making himself the star.

I genuinely don’t care if Dusty Rhodes positioned himself front and center for a decade. It didn’t affect my life beyond giving me someone to hate. What Brian Williams does (did?) on a nightly basis is supply information regarding current events to the nation, which formed how they acted and reacted to political and social stressors. And now? Well, now he’s a liar. A liar that just wanted to be the star of the show.

What has the world come to that Ron Burgundy is the best news anchor we have?


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