The Morning After Raw for January 12, 2015

So after Dwain outdid me last week I’ve decided to come back extra racist. Luckily for this website The New Day don’t get on Raw anymore and I can’t think of any epithets for Samoans. I guess the worst thing you can call a Samoan is ‘Uso’. I saw a little bit of last week’s Raw. Just enough to see Ryback, Rowan and Ziggler get fired. I guess that means they’ll be back this week as you really have to be a useless pile of shit to get thrown off WWE TV. Hey where is Lawler? Raw is live from New Orleans and I’m glad I’m on my couch. Place looks unbearable.

John Cena starts the show off forgiving himself for not letting Seth Rollins murder Edge. Well that doesn’t get me Dolph Ziggler back, now does it John? Cena proceeds to rally the crowd into cheering for him as he says he will be taking the championship home with him after the Rumble until Ziggler, Ryback and Rowan are reinstated. Cena asks how The Authority will like it when their Heavyweight Champion is off tv. Well… John… Here’s the thing that’s where we are now.

The Authority come out to mock Cena and do too good of a job at it. It would be nice if Trips and Steph down shifted a little and let Cena not look like the selfish monster he is for costing me Dolph. The Authority make a match for Cena vs Rollins for the jobs of Rowan, Ziggler and Ryback. It’s a Lumberjack match and at least when we have these stupid matches now we get them from Triple H and Stephanie instead of a lap top or other forms of non-substantiated authority figures that never really show up but still make handicapped matches.

Seth Rollins vs John Cena

Oh that’s right Justin Gabriel is a heel now. Booker says everyone on Gilligan’s Island died there.

1 that is an incredible theory
2 glad to see the dated references all left with The King.

Cena knocked to the outside, is beaten up. Throws Rollins outside, is beside himself when the lumberjacks don’t beat him up. WHY ARENT YOU STOMPING PRIVATE PYLE’S GUTS OUT? Cena dives off top rope onto all the lumberjacks. That isn’t helping your relationship with them John. Coast to Coast Turnbuckle Bomb by Rollins, move is money. Seth Rollins is in good shape, I ate so much fucking Chinese food tonight. I should be smothered to death by my own fucking tits.

When Rollins turns face the crowd is going to worship him. He’s a heel and his move set is already ridiculously exciting. AA 1-2- J and J security pull Cena outside and all the lumberjacks beat him down, all that could be bothered to walk over, Big Show couldn’t be lazier. Eventually Cena eats a WMD(which is still a finisher in 2015)and Cena is pinned as clean as he probably will be in 2015.

Ambrose will be participating in a multiple part Psychiatric evaluation. We made it over a year without a bad actor/doctor so I guess this ends that streak. If he fails he’s not allowed in the Rumble. Tonight has not been terribly interesting so far.

Tyson and Cesaro w/Adam Rose and Natalya and 30 people vs Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods w/Big E

So here’s this. I love the Cesaro and Kidd tag team, I just wish the WWE made tag teams a priority so I could enjoy them on a level that matters in any way. The Rosebuds are on the ramp, there’s just too fucking much going on right now. Booker says The New Day needs a new attitude. I guess Booker doesn’t realize he’s the only black champion in the recent WWE history.

Hot tag to Woods, he misses 2 kicks by about 4 feet combined and ends up hitting a really weak Clothesline to no reaction. Oh boy. The New Day steal Itami and Balor’s finisher for the pin and I will never be happy with anything involving Cesaro.

It was announced earlier today that Macho Man will be inducted to the Hall of Fame and what better way to celebrate this historic occasion than to sit through Big Show and The New Day do an extended impression of him. Thanks for making this special. Fuck you WWE.

Big Show comes out and picks up a microphone and I’m realizing my plea for more microphone time for people is back firing. Big Show shocks me and cuts a pretty deep promo talking about Reigns and he actually does a good job of getting and staying off topic. It’s a great promo considering the topic and who is saying it, I’m not gonna watch it on YouTube again but good for Big Show. Reigns hits the ring and cuts a pretty boring promo and we have ourselves a match, I guess.

Luke Harper w/Big Show vs Roman Reigns

Nice to see Show ringside again barking things no one wants to hear. DESTROY HIM LUKE! Harper was starting to look pretty good too. I guess this will fix that. I’m not upset with how Reigns is being treated, if anything I like it. I just wish there was more to it. ‘TORTURE HIM’ thanks Show! Harper’s shirt has reached a level I am not comfortable with, even in kayfabe. Someone tear this shirt off him at a house show or something. Harper hits a Flipping Slingshot Splash on Reigns to which Cole calls it ‘up and over’. Ok. Nothing about the 7 footer throwing himself around like Eddie Guerrero huh? Maybe next time. Roman Reigns hits the Spear and after the match Show and Reigns discuss their differences.

Miz and Mizdow frequently have little vignettes after commercials and I enjoy every single one of them.

Alicia Fox vs Naomi

Naomi has one armed tied behind her back and Alicia Fox is a heel now. Why can I remember multiple one armed Diva matches in the immediate past? Well. This match was not good nor was it received well. Scissor Kick botch to Naomi’s lower back 123. Hell of a finish to a 5 star match.

Ambrose psychiatric segment. Not great. He’s your most over face right now, why are you doing this?

9:40pm and the show finally just started.

As Lesnar and Heyman make their way out to the ring I remember that I actually am interested in wrestling again. Heyman takes the time to review the fact that Lesnar pinned the Undertaker. If Lesnar leaves to go back to the UFC and Vince gave him the streak, he’s an idiot. I know this is a well worn opinion, but seriously, suck your own dick Vince. Heyman cuts a promo putting Lesnar over(remember when the announcers did this?). Nice promo by Heyman. Glad we have talking segments that don’t involve the Authority in any capacity.

Holy shit Triple H and Stephanie have workout DVDs? What the shit is this?

More Macho impressions, Bella Twins turn it into a bickering fest. Uso’s surprisingly terrible at it. Kane and Santino go comedy. Hey WWE. Suck a dead child’s tits. Stop mocking Macho man and just praise him.

Miz w/Mizdow vs Jey Uso w/Jimmy Uso

Mizdow still over despite the WWE’s efforts. The Usos still not over despite an inordinate amount of fucking airtime. Miz wins with the Skull Crushing Finale.

Daniel Bryan out next in a flannel shirt and after some Wrestlemania highlights, I’m happy to have Bryan back. I don’t need him to be champ but it’s more than refreshing to have the roster get so much deeper. Steph and Bryan go back to the same roles they had a year ago at this time. Enter Kane. Kane vs Bryan has been made for Smackdown.

Yay! A Kane match! Kane attempts to murder Bryan again with the Tombstone on the steps but luckily Bryan avoids it and we have a fight around the ring!!!

Paige w/Tyson Kidd and Natalya vs Brie w/ Nikki Bella

A lot of extras around the ring tonight. Tyson Kidd(who I assure you is ringside) distracts Paige(who has him and Natalya in her corner) and Brie wins by roll up. After the match Paige unloads on Kidd with a slap and Kidd no sells it. Tyson Kidd’s kitty shirt is amazing. Why is he just an accent to a Total Divas feud?

Bray Wyatt promo that doesn’t address how bad his feud with Ambrose has been. It’s just so wildly unfortunate how the tits have fallen off of what should have been hours of entertainment between these two. It’s not because of lack of time or prioritizing or spotlight. It just fell dull. I have no idea what happened. Both were built up going into the series. Neither came out better than they went in. What the fuck happened?

Macho video package. I could hug the sky.

The Ascension vs Two guys

Ascension promo ‘WE ARE BETTER THAN DEMOLITION’ oh ok. This is where we start? They flatten two guys. Welp. Ok. JBL goes nuts on commentary against them for some reason. Are they heels? Isn’t he a heel? What is happening here? Why is he mad at them?

Ambrose psychiatric session full blown comedy as the doctor is now crying and Ambrose has glasses on. Look at this. Look at what you’ve done.

Rusev and Lana in the ring as we return from commercial and I guess the Ryback vs Rusev feud has kicked its own dick off. Lana calls Ryback dumb and says he should get a job at a deli. This is the only good feud and all I care about as of that sentence. Anyways it’s over as here comes Ambrose.

Dean Ambrose vs Rusev w/Lana

Maybe it’s just a match. Either way we know how this is going to end. I hate wrestling sometimes. The match seems good and both people take turn shining in what should be a main event match on Raw. Instead it is thrown out after Rusev refuses to stop kicking Albrose or something. I hate wrestling, but who cares because WE HAVE A CONTRACT SIGNING.

Triple H and Stephanie already in the ring AND WHO CAN BLAME THEM!?!? It’s been a while since a contract was actually signed at one of these. I know the WWE is lazy having a contract signing to begin with, but at least they remain inconsistent even in the idea of their own segments. I’m at the point now where I expect Tables matches to end in pin fall. Who would even notice backstage? Champ and challengers gather and Heyman picks up a mic and tries his hardest to make this all matter.

Heyman and Rollins go back and forth while Cena, Lesnar, Triple H and Stephanie all watch and I remain completely shocked at how Rollins is completely capable of being in the position he’s in. Rollins defiantly signs. Who signs angrily? I’m angry and I’m signing. Grrrr I fucking hate my signature! Fuck this paper.

Cena says Rollins is going to get his ass kicked. Cena goes on to say that then he’s gonna kick Lesnar’s ass. So that’s a promo I guess. He then takes his turn signing angrily. Guys calm down. It’s a contract for fuck sake. Respect the letterhead.

Lesnar signs and we have ourselves a fight. German on Cena. German on Rollins. AA on Lesnar through a table. Curbstomp on Cena. Curbstomp on Lesnar. Rollins stands tall, good ending to an atrocious show.

Tonight’s Haiku
Macho, Hall of Fame
Otherwise tonight was shit
Wish Dwain had to watch

Spot of the Night
The New Day’s Stolen Finisher

The Good and The Bad
Good
1
Macho
2 Heyman
3 Bryan

Bad
1
all of tonight
2 Ambrose Doctor segments
3 Divas match

Heel Turn of the Week

Men are good at lust. We’re practically hard wired for it. Once we identify something as female and human, our propensity to sexualize anything and everything about her is incredible. Our female counterparts are no slouches, though. They’ve managed to streamline the process. Sure, they often pick the worst of mankind to drool over. This is best exemplified by the obsession with the foot-like Robert Pattinson. They just latched on to him and never let go.

This week, Calvin Klein decided to make a male underwear model out of Justin Bieber, I’m assuming for the benefit of their female fans. It would have to be for the female fans out there, because it makes literally zero sense to target those ads towards men who would buy men’s underwear. There are literally billions of females on the planet, ranging from beauties like Kate Upton and Kathy Bates to the middle aged nightmares that obsess over the aforementioned Mr. Pattinson. Yet here we are. Discussing Justin Bieber in underwear.

CK’s cultural iconography ranges through decades, from their simple logo to providing a much needed alter ego for Marty McFly. All of that goodwill went out the window this week, though, when they shattered the hopes, dreams, and fantasies of literally dozens of women worldwide by digitally enhancing the bulge of one Justin Bieber. If you can’t believe in the size of a suburban kid that doesn’t know if he wants to be Michael Buble or Eminem with 1/10 the talent of either’s bulge, then what can you believe in?

As heel turns go, this is admittedly a little weak. But honestly, nobody wanted to talk about Phylicia Rashad defending Cosby then backing down in hilarious fashion. Calvin Klein takes the honors, almost by default.

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The Morning After Raw – WITH WHITE DWAIN!

Timing is everything. White Dwain here, stepping in for Jed to bring you half assed Raw coverage. Where’s Jed? Let’s just say he’s peeing out his butthole. Gav? I guess his cable was stolen. So I’m the Ryan Lindley of “The Morning After Raw”…don’t know who Ryan Lindley is? Figures. It’s a good thing that Monday Night Football is finished for the season and I’m available…I mean we all work hard to make sure our readers are provided with content. Also, I have a pointless NBA parlay going and all I need is the Cavs to beat the 76ers to cash, so that’ll keep me somewhat distracted in case Raw stinks yet again.

We’re live from Corpus Christi, TX and the ring is full of WWE Superstars. Cena with the mic and is apologizing for his decision to bring back The Authority. Sin Cara looks ridiculous standing beside him. Very weak chant of “What?!?” begins. I see now why Jed consistently hates the crowds. Jed is here in spirit because the way Titus O’Neal stands out in the crowd brings to mind Jed’s new man love, Baylor’s Shawn Oakman.

Trips and Steph interrupt and they’re glorious as usual. Suddenly, the sight of Steph’s tits and boots makes me glad I’m here. That feeling leaves abruptly when Rollins join them. Dear God, he’s terrible. He reminds of the insecure guy who gets pleather pants and dyes a strip of hair and is suddenly confident but everyone can see right through it. His acting makes crime re-enactors on the I.D. channel look like Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Steph lets us know that tonight is “John Cena Appreciation Night”. Trips informs us that Ziggler will defend his IC Title against the man who never actually lost it, Bad News Barrett. See, Jed is here in spirit.

JBL just made another Johnny Football reference….he’s kind of over even by JBL standards.

An Australian just missed two free throws that would’ve sealed my bet. Raw jinx in play. Oh, there’s a late night Thunder/Warriors game. Give me KD and the Thunder.

Intercontinental Championship Match
Dolph Ziggler (c) vs Bad New Barrett

Like Jed, I love BNB and cheering for someone from across the pond makes me realize Broadchurch Season 2 starts tonight. Typical great selling by Ziggler but I’m always distracted by his hair. Once it dries it turns into cartoon Ramen noodles. It’s beyond distracting. BNB goes for side slam and is quickly rolled up by Ziggler. Well that was quick. BNB attacks and ironically focuses on his shoulder. Booker T is struggling as King’s replacement. Hope I’m doing better as Jed’s.

Corporate Kane walks out and points out that he forgot to mention that this is a 2 out of 3 Falls contest. The late music queue and slow camera cuts makes me wonder if a producer is asleep in the truck.

BNB hits the Winds of Change for 2nd fall and we go to break. I can’t stop saying “Down to Gorky Parrrrk”.

We’re back and Ziggler kicks out from The Wasteland and another Winds of Change, dodges the Bull Hammer, lands a super kick but BNB kicks out. Kane distracts and gets superkicked off the apron. BNB hits the Bull Hammer for the win.

5 time Intercontinental Champion, Bad News Barrett. What a way to kick off 2015.

Backstage interview with Reigns. He’s ridiculously bad on the mic and his cargo pants makes me think he shops at Hot Topic. Reigns falls into what I call “Just because he’s a celebrity”. We hear faint female moans when he gives us that smirk but if he were handing you your brake pads at Pep Boys you wouldn’t think twice about him. He makes Superman references that really highlight how bad he is at….anything involving words.

CUT TO: A pile of pubes..nope it’s a close up of Wyatt’s beard. He moves his hands about like Joe Cocker on SNL. Talks about the devil walking beside him and an ambulance match with Ambrose.

The Ascension enters. I was not prepared for how bad they look, sound, and move. I literally saw this same act, circa 1994 at a Middle School Talent Show in the hills of West Virginia. They reference the Road Warriors…not helping. Receding Ponytail and Bitch Tits pound a jobber squad. I think the crowd left.

Rusev, Lana, and a graphic of Putin.

Roman Reigns vs The Big Show

Regins enters through the crowd and participates in a typical match with Show. JBL gives us a gem with, “You can’t train for the strength of a giant” If Reigns is so tough, why does he need to wear Nike Pro Combat under pads on his back. Show hits him with the stairs and gets the DQ. Reigns gets the last laugh with a spear causing Show to drop the stairs on his head. “Oooohhh Ahhhhh” and his teeth disappear

Nikki Bella vs Natalya

Who cares. JBL referencing what if Natalya looked like her dad…”Bearded man at the carnival”…think that’s wrong. Nikki’s ass jowls would be the only reason to watch this.

Ambrose backstage. They’re using a blue light gel for the background..I guess this means it’s serious. I would let my hair grow out but I’m afraid it would look like Dean’s . We get it, Dean…you’re a wild man.

A quick, well intentioned Stuart Scott tribute is ruined by Booker T when he says “You’ll be MISHED”.

Luke Harper vs Erik Rowan

The subtle video production team leads me to believe we should focus on Harper’s eyes. Can you really sell the dirty wife beater when his other shirt has his logo on the back? Seems like opposing forces. Special guest referees , J&J Security. JBL proves yet again he’s hip to pop culture by referencing Rick Grimes and Daryl. Crowd is non existent. Nice spin kick by Rowan but J&J interfere with moves that would make Lil’ Natch proud. Harper ends it with a clothesline and quick three count.

Naomi and Alicia Fox backstage. Terrible, but still better than Reigns.

Ambulance Match
Dean Ambrose vs Bray Wyatt

Once again the producer/director is off and a beat late with the arena lights when Wyatt blows out his lantern. I wonder if Ambrose wears the Chuck Norris Jeans. That’s the only way I can imagine being comfortable in jeans.

With his jeans and Wyatt’s horrible white pants, this has to be worst combined lower body attire match in history. They make their way to the ambulance rather quickly. Ambrose jumps from the top of the ambulance onto Wyatt through a Red Cross table. Crowd forces a chant of “This is awesome”. Sister Abigail into the ambulance then another onto the padded concrete. Wyatt wins.

Hey look, Durant is 2-13…thanks, Raw.

Usos w/Naomi vs Miz, Mizdow w/Alicia Fox

I cannot put into to words how much I hate the Usos. Their entrance, their body language, their fat dead dad. Mizdow is great as usual. Naomi does one move. Usos lose.

Kane forgot to mention that Ryback’s match vs Rollins is actually a handicap match.

Ryback vs Seth Rollins & Kane

Kane is rocking a great look. Slacks and no shirt. Things happen. Ryback hits Shell Shock on Kane then eats two curb stomps courtesy of Rollins. Good thing cause Ryback was breathing heavy from the midway point. Those muscles take a lot of O2, huh, big guy.

Adam Rose vs Big E

New Day…I have no words. Big E’s tights are grosser than Jed’s at this very moment. Big E going for the win and is interrupted by two spandex clad mystery men. It’s Cesaro and Tyson Kid and I have no idea why. Cesaro proves yet again he has super human strength with his hoisting of Big E. Awkward dancing takes place with the Rosebuds.

John Cena Appreciaton Night

Trips and Steph in the ring and they introduce the man of the night, John Cena. This segment would be beyond terrible with anyone other than these two. They praise Cena and then bring out Rowan, Ryback, and Ziggler…thank God his hair is wet. You can see it coming a mile away but Trips, Steph, and her tits make it work…sort of and they fire Cena’s pals.

Tonight’s Poem
There once was a guy who watched Raw
Cause there was no football.
Lost a bet on the Thunder, should’ve bet the under
I hope the Usos die

The Good

1.Trips/Steph
2.Cesaro’s Feat of Strength
3.Bad News Barrett gets the IC Belt back

The Bad

1.Reigns’ mic work
2.Big E’s huge ass
3.Ziggler’s dry Ramen hair

Things We’d Definitely Take Back In A Time Machine

Here’s a butt plug that plays flute-like music when you fart. Or when whoever is wearing it farts. Doesn’t have to be you, unless you’re into that sort of thing. No judgment here, folks. Even if it looks more like a doorknob than a butt plug.

Butt plugs are always funny, but think of the comedy value as you convince some three toothed simpleton that will never learn to read or live past the age of 30 to cram something made of silicone (a marvel in and of itself in the year 1543 which is exactly when I would travel back to) into their backside, then listen intently as they force gas out of themselves.

Close your eyes and picture yourself, standing on a bale of hay above flummoxed commoners holding this jewel aloft.

“Verily, place this in the orifice from which you eliminate the black ichor from thine bowels!

Strain to expunge thyself of gaseous emanations and LISTEN TO THE MUSIC OF ANGELS!

THIS IS A TRUTH OF THE FUTURE! WORSHIP ME!”

Two weeks later, Moonlight Sonata would be produced.

Until about 30 seconds ago in the year 2015, you probably didn’t know this existed. Imagine introducing it to humanity centuries ahead of schedule. This needs to be an unlockable technology in the next Sid Meier game. Ghandi may go nuclear first, but you’ll have the sweet sounds of butt music on your side.

Trailer Nihilism – Jurassic World

When you get to be as proud of yourself as I am you forgive a lot of your own hypocrisies. I shared my last article with a person I considered to be a friend and got back a response I somewhat expected. “picking on Star Wars again?”. I thought to myself, why do I continually go to the well of picking on comic book movies or sci-fi movies and I rarely have the courage to turn the light back on myself and my sacred fruits. So I figured, what better time to prove how fair and balanced I am than to criticize the new Jurassic Park movie, from the franchise that brought us the only good movie Spielberg has made since his name meant anything.

So I hate sequels and even though I had a good time during JP2, JP3 was an unmitigated disaster and I am willing to use the term ‘cash grab’ again without a worry of sounding repetitive as that’s pretty much is the common denominator from both of these piles of Dreamwork’s shits have been. Jurassic World comes 14 years after the last movie became the truly underwhelming swansong of my childhood. 14 years is a long time though, I’ve gotten dumber and more impatient, plus now I deny ever having a comic book collection.

0:05

KIDS??!?!
Oh come the fuck on, I hate kids in these movies. JP3 was destroyed by the Macguyver youth living in the fusilage of the crashed plane or whatever that was. Running around amongst the raptors and outsmarting them? Come on dude. Give me a break already. I hate that people still think the audience needs to see someone their age to relate to. WHO WAS THE RELATABLE CHARACTER IN IRON MAN?!?! 5 seconds in and I’ve already made my mind up. Why do these kids look dispondant? A theme park with dinosaurs isn’t enough for you? Oh I’m sorry. How inconsiderate of mom and dad.

0:26

Cool Jay-Z “before he was really rich” music video boat. Spend a buck and get something scaled to impress that isn’t a mess of CGI. That’s a nice boat but that’s just it. Jurassic World is supposed to be a billion dollar endevor and they have a Club Med boat?

0:38

Wow that looks fake, and a monorail? Really? Did they just cut the middle man and just fast forward to this being a ride and not an actual movie? Speaking of spending a buck Halo2 looked better than these computer graphics. Whoever the art director behind this movie is should be sat down and spoken to. Oh it’s the same person who brought us Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? Oh well please, let’s fast track him to a gigantic popcorn movie with millions invested in it.

0:47

Ew… Kayaking? Jurassic World looks like a mormon youth group retreat. Are there going to be trust falls and rope courses? Jurassic World looks like an amusement park in Colorado. HOLY SHIT STEGOSAURUS TAKE MY MONEY.

0:54

Hamster ball technology! The future is here guys and it looks pedantic! God I hope the hamster ball’s structural integrity is called into question by a T-rex’s jaw strength. Also, no mention of T-rex so far. You don’t have to give everything away, but please tell me you didn’t try to do the Jurassic Park 3 thing of having a dinosaur more intimidating than the T-rex. The T-rex was scary enough, you don’t have to add a light saber hilt to him.

1:04

Here we go. This is fucking awesome. No I don’t care this looks like a movie you’d see on SyFy with Lou Diamond Phillips and Kari Wuhrer, this is why I’m here feed sharks to things and I will come back to you every time. Imagine allocating budget money and resources in a multi-million dollar entertainment theme park to the shark feeder pully system? If the dinosaur bites through that cable who is going up there to replace it? Where is the T-rex? Why are we bothering with an ocean thing? Is it a Megaladon? We made a giant shark? SyFy definitely did that, DO IT AGAIN.

HA!!! STAR WARS CAN BITE MY WIENER THROUGH MY JEANS! This is why We are here! WOW do those security barriers look like they couldn’t stop a very upset dolphin let alone a Mosasaur (that’s the thing that just ate the shark), Which by the way isn’t really a dinosaur. They’re actually lizards where as dinosaurs are a different species of IT ATE A FUCKING SHARK!!! Han Solo couldn’t eat a shark, he’s too busy having an earring. No I won’t let that go.

ps Mosasaurs don’t want to be fed. They want to hunt.

1:29

Oh cool, the asian guy from Oz is replaced by almost Julianne Moore this time around. The reveal here is they are making hybrid dinosaurs, which is an awesome turn of events for Hollywood. Because actual dinosaurs isn’t enough let’s add the word ‘genetically modified’ to them. You have to keep up with a tornado full of god damn sharks somehow right? STOP MAKING MOVIES. Also, have we given up on not casting gorgeous models as top of their field scientists? When can that go away and never ever come back? If you’re so desperate for a beautiful woman in the movies drag in a waitress from the food court. It’d be more believable and you can get more of an ‘every person’ appeal to her as a character. Just don’t have her firing M4 assault rifles in the sequel like Sarah Connor did.

1:38

Playing the role of the skeptical scientist, or livestock wrangler or undetermined job having guy in vest, this movie is Christopher Pratt who has yet to be the feature in anything that approaches tolerable yet. He’s the guy who sees the problem in genetically modifying a dinosaur, wish he passed the word along to the people writing the script. So no Dr Ian Malcom or Alan Grant. That’s fine, I don’t need to rehash old characters as a tie to the last series just to have a connection, but it would be nice if I cared if the protagonist lived or died.

1:56

Oh good, someone smashed up the hamster balls which is exactly what I hoped would happen when I saw them to begin with. Maybe this will be the JP movie with full blown tween gore? Probably not, but what a hilarious concept. Dinosaurs first on camera victim are two teenage white boys, the very audience they are selling to. This would be like someone killing a lonely pale fat girl in Twilight.

2:02

The jumping off the waterfall scene again? These must be really fun to scout and shoot. If I were an actor I’d ask this to be written into a movie so why not? It’s JP4 so how can you honestly ask for new takes on things? I mean if you reinvent the wheel you risk alienating the new audience along with the audience you already alienated. I don’t give a shit if I’m cast to play Winston Churchill, I’m jumping off a waterfall. I wonder how many times the same waterfall has been jumped off of? What is a film’s budget to location scout other waterfalls and checking them to see if they are safe to jump off? Can I get that job? I wonder if certain movie studios have certain rights to certain waterfalls? More on this in the next lazy trailer full of repeptitive visual themes.

2:07

This just feels like Super Shredder. Who is directing this and who determined that would be a good camera angle to use? I know you can’t spend billions on a movie and have the dinosaur in every shot but seriously, this feels like the 1980s. The director of this also directed…nothing anyone has ever heard about. This seemed like a blank check that a decent director could’ve added 9 zeroes to. Why skimp on the director? Spend money and make money this movie is a recycled pile of cinematic hell. Well worn shots repeated over lazy camera work. Spielberg picked this guy or did the movie studio? I don’t think much of Spielberg but he could at least figure out if the guy was a hack or not right? Seriously enough with Steven Spielberg, the guy is just the corniest person around. At least have the decency to hide your name off the credits Steve. You put a year of your honest effort into the first movie, have some respect for your former self you slave.

2:24

What have you done? I can actually feel my childhood hurt. Why is Pratt driving a motorcycle like 15 mph? How fast am I supposed to believe a Velociraptor can move? Open the throttle up you dino-wrangler pussy. What’s the worst that could happen? You crash and die? The better option is to be torn to shreds by raptors? I will need life support in the theater if the raptors have accepted a temporary truce with man to team up and destroy the hybridasaurus. My blood is on your hands, and not in the raptors mouths like it fucking should be.

So in closing this movie looks like a pile of heartless shit. A pile of heartless shit that I will line up to throw cash at. You borrow from Deep Blue and you strip mine the original while copy pasting movie shots from other movies just replacing the actors and you have a genetically modified american cinema classic. I’m not mad though, nothing is sacred and the original movie was primed to be devalued and the market should’ve been even more saturated than it was. If Jurassic Park came out 20 years later than it did in 2013, people wouldn’t know what a transformer is. So how could I complain? Like this I suppose, LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE YOU MONSTERS!!! How can you make a trailer about dinosaurs eating a shark boring?

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