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Two Mornings After Raw for September 15, 2014

Nothing matters

So last week was pretty great. Great wrestling, promising stories and pay offs, NXT was awesome. Raw was bad. But NXT was awesome. September routinely is a tough time for the WWE. The build to Summer Slam is over. The WWE is looking ahead to the Rumble and these next few months mean nothing but ‘let’s kill some time’ except now they know to not let a guy they don’t plan on pushing all the way organically getting over like last year. No one can sit through the agony of losing him. Sorry Ambrose. Raw is live from Lafayette Louisiana and let’s get this over with.

Paul Heyman starts Raw off already in the ring and as he is showered with boos I wonder if he is the only thing that makes Brock Lesnar a heel. More on that later because here comes Cena. John Cena was a perfect baby face last week and the idea to have the two of them stare each other down in the ring was a moment of brilliance between the two of them that I completely expect the WWE to fuck up this week.

What better way to follow up last week with an abridged bad version of that? After the two exchange aimless barbs Cena demands Lesnar. Heyman states Lesnar is delayed(he’s not coming is he?) Cena then grabs Heyman in a headlock and runs him into the back and locks him in his locker room and tells Khali to stand on guard. Apparently Heyman will be unlocked at half time and if he doesn’t produce Lesnar Cena will beat him up. Sigh.

Wait half time? What the shit does that mean?

Chris Jericho vs Kane

I wish Kane had a band that he was about to leave and go on tour with. Also I refuse to acknowledge that Kane is now called ‘Corporate Kane’. I’m seriously sick of Kane having this much screen time and being a small part of so many storylines. It’s like avocado. Do I like avocado? Yes. Do I want it in every sandwich for an entire year? NO.

Ok, so maybe Jericho wasn’t leaving after last week. Maybe he has a match with Orton Sunday and I didn’t realize it. So this is it huh? Jericho’s second (or third depending on Smackdown tapings) last match before he has a sabbatical? Kane? 10 Punch in the corner, Kane reverses it nicely into a botch. Sigh. I’m soured.

Jericho hooks Kane’s leg on a pin and Lawler chimes in with ‘if only he hooked the leg in that pin’. Which is technically right. Can anyone REALLY hook the leg? Or does life’s inadequacies just sort of mount up until you are overmatched? Hooking legs can be a metaphor for anything. Say even fucking up simple commentary.

Lionsault into a sloppy throat grab reversal by Kane. Choke Slam attempt into a reversal and I roll my eyes as Kane can’t front bump. I think no matter what he does I’ll be bored by him. I need a break from Kane. Business Slacks Kane eventually eats an exposed turnbuckle 123.

Bo Dallas vs Jack Swagger w/Zeb Colter

No chance to rally the crowd with a ‘We The People’ on the way to the ring. Why even have Zeb out here? If he’s just going to be a cheerleader I wonder what the purpose is. I want so much more from both these guys and none of it involves losing clean on a throw away Monday Night Raw I’ll deny watching. JBL and King exchange ‘Zeb is old’ jokes, I feel like I just got punched in the face twice. Bo is not a polished in ring product but at least he’s figured out how to be a character, he’s like the opposite of Paige. Bo eventually taps to Swagger and I thought this would be better for everyone. This could’ve been a PPV match. Maybe NOC is too full of a card? Either way I’m miserable. When is half time?

Paige and Nikki Bella vs AJ and Brie Bella

Brie finally has her own music! It sucks but whatever. Nikki is attractive by the way. I wish AJ and Paige had personalities, skipping isn’t a personality trait. Paige reminds me of a less good Bret Hart. Not that I think the world of Bret, but she has moves and she has a way of acting but at no point can you say you are looking at a character with an actual identity in the ring. Nikki eventually does something and Paige pins Brie. After the match Brie takes Nikki’s finisher and AJ skips around the ring. This is a feud, huh?

Bray Wyatt promo where he explains that god abandoned everyone, god turned his back on earth and in doing so he left Wyatt to fix everything, and he is left to fix things via…a wrestling match with the Big Show. What?

Bray Wyatt vs Big Show

I have not missed the Big Show in singles competition. I was excited to have him back with the understanding that he would be in a tag team with Henry. Not sure why they started the Show and Henry tag team just to break them up a couple weeks later for singles runs. Just let them go as a team and hope Henry doesn’t get hurt during a build to a PPV. Wight Chocolate is too good of a name.

Never seen Wyatt work a significantly bigger guy. Wyatt changes nothing if his style and just goes. This is perfect. Wyatt is to be the monster he can’t be trying drop kicks and hitting and running. This is how Mankind would wrestle bigger guys. I approve. The crowd doesn’t, it’s been a rough night so far and this isn’t helping. Big Show eventually hits one of his bad offensive moves a guy his size shouldn’t do and Harper and Rowand get involved. The match is quickly thrown out and Harper and Rowand eat a Double Choke Slam. Which takes me back to years before watching 2 guys jump to help sell the Chokeslam. A move that The Hurricane used to do and look just as effective.

The Usos and Sheamus vs Stardust Goldust and Cesaro

The Usos have set the record for boring uninspired face teammates for 6 man matches against a mismatched set of heels. They just need Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Sgt Slaughter and they’ll have transcended into all time. Cesaro hits the 10 club shots to the chest on an Uso, all the while mocking Sheamus. I guess when you team with Sheamus the best part is you won’t get the shit kicked out of you. Now you don’t even get that.

These feuds have been nice little additions to the NOC card but I can’t help but hope for a little more from these guys. Stardust is just tremendous. When he first started I thought he’d be completely forgotten about but he has really committed and after a couple adjustments he has fully arrived.

Sheamus with a dive off the top rope to the outside? Nice effort. He must be in line for a push after he drops the anchor that is the US belt.

Brogue Kick on Stardust. Neutralizer on Sheamus. Superkick on Goldust. Superkick on Cesaro. Plancha onto Goldust and Stardust. Big Splash onto Cesaro 123. Great ending. That was like a main event with a quality finish. Nicely done!

So previously John Cena said if Lesnar isn’t here by ‘half time’ he is going to fight Heyman in his place. He really meant half time of the football game. The WWE tonight, bows to the NFL and I hope Vince is somewhere right now finding this out and immediately tackles an assistant around him and starts dropping haymakers. This is ridiculous. Kowtowing to the competition? This is like saying ‘we’ll continue this story during the intermission between Goldberg and the NWO segments’. Don’t ever let this happen again. The John Cena character is being portrayed to have locked up Heyman and sat down somewhere and watched Eagles vs whoever and enjoyed himself.

Cena drags Heyman out by his neck and…gives him a microphone(what?) and finally we get the promo we’ve even waiting for. Heyman tells him flat out, THIS John Cena can not beat Lesnar. Heyman begs Cena to hit him and ‘become a Paul Heyman Guy’. This is finally happening. It’s being spelt out for him. This is every wrestling fan’s dream. Cena turning and accepting his dark side as involving himself with Heyman. It can’t happen but at least the WWE is smart enough to play off of it. Even if it breaks my heart.

Cena refuses and after a Heyman mother joke, Cena eventually throws Heyman to the ground. Which is very non-babyface of Cena. Unless you count the dozens of guys who ‘got their hands on’ Heenan as not faces. Faces beat up managers out of frustration. It’s happened a million times. Stop trying so hard internet. Anyways Brock is on his way out now. Lesnar walks around the ring and after a stare down(actual tension) he hits the ring and…drops Cena on his head with a German Suplex. That was quick.

Lesnar is without a doubt is Cena’s perfect adversary for this part in his career. Lesnar actually tests Cena’s will and gives validity to the stacks the odds against Cena instead of just having Michael Cole tell you they are. Lesnar is not a sports entertainer, he’s a monster.

Naomi vs Cameron

So Cameron now brings a mirror to the ring so she can continue to look at herself or something. Fuuuuuuuuuuck who cares? The crowd is the quietest I’ve ever heard a crowd be. A lady in the 18th row just told her friend she had to go to the bathroom and the mic picked it up. Cameron tells the ref to ‘Count It!’ After she hits a leg drop on Naomi, who is laying on her stomach. COUNT IT! Count a 3 count on a person facing the wrong way. NXT training can’t fix this. She is just never going to be not atrocious. Cameron eventually taps to a good looking submission move I hope I never see again. After the worst Divas match in months. Raw doesn’t get worse. This was poison.

Dolph Ziggler and R-Ziggler vs The Miz and Sandow

Dolph has a new T-Shirt!!!! Dolph and R-Ziggler as a new team is the best thing I’ve seen…since Sandow and Miz. Cole and JBL working as though they can’t tell the difference is just brilliant. Praying for a twin magic switch. Lawler works heel announcer out of nowhere. What is this about? Several comments later and the announce team is completely ignoring the match and making inside jokes about Lawler’s personal life and acting career. Miz hits Sandow, is in shock, ZigZag 123. I hope Sunday isn’t the end of this feud or either pairing.

Backstage Seth Rollins cracks himself up with an impression of Reigns as a monkey in part of a promo that starts so bad that I’m actually worried he’ll be getting pinned next week by Sheamus. Holy Shit was that scary. Eventually the promo comes together and is less embarrassing. But wow. For a second this was bad.

Roman Reigns vs Seth Rollins

So much for shelfing Reigns last week. What happened to beat downs? Remember when Earthquake dropped ass on Hogan all those times and he missed a couple months? Rollins and Reigns have a lot of work in order to make up for how miserable this night has been so far. Shortly into the match Reigns throws Rollins over the announce table and I guess things are progressing. Reigns and Rollins work so good in the ring together. It’s funny that after Orton Reigns is given Rollins to continue to help him look good as he finds his way. Eventually Reigns pins Rollins after a Spear and I’m left wondering who in the back missed their cue to break up the finish. This match again on sunday? So we have it now. Clean ending. Again on Sunday? What is going on tonight.

Mark Henry is here to ‘Rally America’. Apparently Lesnar couldn’t get a later flight so this will be going on last. Seriously what is going on here? Lana comes out to taunt Henry and after a brief 15 minutes of her telling everyone that America is a pile of shit Henry shuts her up, by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance… What is going on here? They fight until one of them wins and Raw ends at 11:15. This segment went long? Weird. Didn’t feel it at all.

Weekly Haiku

Tonight was torture
Sunday will be meaningless
I miss NXT

The Good and The Bad
Good
1
D Ziggler and R Ziggler
2 6 Man
3 Miz and Sandow

Bad
1
Naomi vs Cameron
2 Cameron
3 Naomi

Night of Champions Card

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match
John Cena vs Brock Lesnar (c)

Intercontinental Championship Match
The Miz vs Dolph Ziggler (c)

Tag Team Championship Match
Goldust and Stardust vs The Usos (c)

Three Way Divas Championship Match
AJ vs Nikki vs Paige (c)

United States Championship Match
Antonio Cesaro vs Sheamus (c)

Randy Orton vs Chris Jericho

Seth Rollins vs Roman Reigns

Mark Henry vs Rusev

clay

NFL SOUP

 

 

Guess whose back?!?!!? Yes it is I everyone favorite evil ginger back at you with a healthy dose of NFL SOUP. Since my last serving i have been rather busy venturing out and starting my own podcast  on the Radulich In Broadcasting Network, entitled From the Cheap Seats and also found a lot of happiness in life. But that is enough about me and I am sure you guys are hungry so let’s start serving it up…..

 

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So waking up Last Thursday morning and realizing it was OFFICIALLY football season i could barely contain myself

I mean is there anything more exciting that the kickoff of the NFL season? I was happier than a dog with 2 dicks I tell ya lol

 

So did anyone else think  that Derek Anderson was doing his best “Nate” impression from the NFL Play commercial???

 

 

Speaking of future QB’s warming up it looks as if Dallas has finally made an attempt to fix the issues Tony Romo is having with their latest signing after Kyle Orton left the organization….
Or maybe that is Kyle Orton who knows…..

 

 

 

Speaking of Uncle Rico, this Twitter account caught a rare glimpse of Mark Sanchez and Nick Foles arriving at the stadium on Sunday

 

 

I dunno what Flacco uses as a cup but judging by this hit and the consequences afterwards i say it should be banned since Vontaze Bufict suffered a concussion on the play lol

 

 

Wes Welker suspension got lifted on Friday which is good news for Bronco fans.  But sadly  this is the new helmet he will be wearing the rest of the season to help prevent concussions

 

 

 

During the Cleveland / Pittsburg game Antonio Brow returned a punt only t ochannel his inner Street Fighter and give a well place Crane Kick to the face of Browns punter Spencer Lanning

when asked about it Brown said he wanted to make his sensi Mr. Miyagi proud, when asked about the inncident Miyagi had nothing to say

he looks please doesn’t he?!?!!?

 

 

Well in closing i would like to say it is great to be back writing for quite possibly the fastest rising website on the internet and want to say a huge THANK YOU to Gavin, Chris and White Dwain for having me back for the 2014 season. So in closing i urge everyone to tune in every Wednesday night at 10pm EST on Blogtalkradio.com under the Radulich In Broadcasting banner and listen to my podcast From the Cheap Seats with my amazing co-host and friend Jesse Starcher. And with that ill close with this:

 

Sometimes you find hilarious things during some of the most obscure situations… this is one of those times

… have a good week and enjoy Week 2 of the NFL season and see you next time ….

 

 

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The Morning After Raw for September 8, 2014

Ok I’m back what did I miss? Worst Raw in years? A worse review? Sounds about right. When the best things from the last week in wrestling are a preview of an upcoming PWG DVD and a stop motion match featuring some brat’s action figures i would say we are in a slow period. But I appreciate the WWE when they are bad, it makes my job easier. Season debut of Raw? Is that a thing? Anyways who cares, Raw is live from BodyMore Murderland and my name is my name.

Rumors online that after Cena goes on the shelf to recover from injuries after Night of Champions the WWE is going to make it’s annual mistake of trying to convince us that we care about The Big Show putting him in the main event against Lesnar. So if you think I’m happy Raw sucks now wait until I’m screaming about it in a month or 3.

Chris Jericho vs Bray Wyatt

Oh wow, what a fantastic beginning. I guess the WWE has had enough with mediocrity and now we will have a great idea for a match in what has been a really underwhelming feud. With Jericho’s stupid band’s tour about to start it looks like this will be it for him until around the Royal Rumble. I love Chris, more than any of you, but this feud has not been very good. Especially considering the pieces involved. It should’ve been tremendous. It should in theory have carried the company through boring times as the interesting midcard feud that outshines the main event. Instead it just never got going and I’m only here for criticism, not an idea guy. Can’t tell you what the issue is but it’s definitely palatable. Maybe Wyatt starts tonight? Scary heel in a cage? Why not?

Right away I have a problem with this match. What does Wyatt escaping a cage do for a feud started by him being the aggressor for Jericho claiming he was a savior? “I don’t like you referring to yourself as a savior and I’m here to make sure you don’t ever do it again…by exiting through a side door while your momentarily incapacitated”.

As Jericho slowly makes his way to the the cage and Harper and Rowand get involved, I’m reminded of how toothless Wyatt was in the Cena feuHOLY SHIT JERICHO JUST DOVE OFF THE CAGE!!! I guess he doesn’t care if he limps around onstage for the first couple dates. Awesome. Jericho sells a knee injury and Wyatt takes advantage of it as Jericho tries to leave the cage eventually beating him out of it for the win. What a strong match.

As for my previous comments about how boring that makes the feud and compromises Wyatt’s motives he beats Jericho down after inside the cage as necessary. Just wish the ride here was better. Whatever. I already miss Jericho.

After the match Kane is backstage celebrating how good the previous match went mentioning how it’s still the season premier, ps this is the guy who supposedly murdered his mother with fire.

We come back from commercial and Dolph Ziggler is in the ring with a microphone and I am very much enjoying tonight. Ziggler, in place of having a promo or anything interesting to say, instead goes the John Cena rout of having a slide show of embarrassing Miz photos. Hilarious… Boo. Miz eventually makes his way down to show his displeasure in the ‘cloud hack’ segment. Which by the way is topical, right?

Sandow mimicking Miz’s motions as his stunt double bails this segment out. I love Dolph but this was poison to have sat through. Anyway Ziggler beats up Sandow and I love this feud.

Rosa Mendez and Natalya vs AJ and Paige

Oh Jesus Rosa Mendez on TV again? Bad camera work on AJ as they try and get reaction shots of her during Paige’s entrance. Picking an issue with the camera work during an entrance before a Rosa match might be a little ridiculous, but I’m already here. CM Punk chant for AJ. Enough guys, enough. Paige’s hair is really dry. What is that about? The crowd is completely silent by the way. AJ tags her self in and really slowly and carefully puts the Black Widow on Rosa so as to prevent a potential disaster. Paige needs to feud with a bottle of fucking conditioner.

Wait why is Nikki being inserted into this feud?

Backstage Orton beats up Jericho and says he’s sorry because ‘it’s the season premier’ ok they’re just fucking with me now.

Paul Heyman in the ring after we get back from commercial and thank god we have more talking and less wrestling. Raw can’t be a wrestling show so just be a sports entertainment program and do what you guys do best. Not wrestle.

Paul Heyman and John Cena are the company’s two best speakers and it’s kind of a shame this is the first time they’ve been in a ring together for this feud for an extended time. I guess the feud hasn’t needed it. Heyman does the job Wyatt and Kane and so many others couldn’t do since Edge left and really set the table for Cena to become morally bankrupt and turn his back on the fans in order to be the ruthless heel he needs to win or in this case to beat/not be murdered by Lesnar. Cena does what he couldn’t do in those feuds and come off as righteous and incorruptible without it coming off as sanitized boorish pandering. Cena talks about the sense of pride he gets when he meets disabled veterans or hears that a dying kid’s wish is to spend a day with him. This is some of Cena’s best, most impassioned work, because it’s real. Fantastic segment.

Seth Rollins vs Sheamus

Sheamus is great in slug fests but tends to be kind of brutal when it comes to actual wrestling matches with actual wrestlers and this is no exception. Stop beating Rollins chest in and try a headlock you fucking animal! Cesaro comes out in a nice very European suit to antagonize Sheamus and look menacing. Continued mentions of the Jerry Springer/Bella segment later is making me uncomfortable. Cesaro eventually runs distraction so Rollins can get the advantage before eventually having Sheamus botch the front bump on his finisher. 123. Sigh.

So to continue to build heat, Lana comes out to do a song parody of the National Anthem and stand with Rusev while he waves the flag during the Russian national anthem. Ok. What was that?

Sami Zayn and Adrian Neville Vs Tyler Breeze and Tyson Kidd

WOW! I never thought I’d see the day but he’s finally on Raw, good for Tyson Kidd. Ok seriously. This is amazing. Olé chants instantly for Zayn an I can’t tell you how happy this makes me to see him on the flagship show. Especially considering how horrendous his ring outfit is. He has a bunch of world flags on his rights like he’s the United Nations building of pants or something. I like Neville, but other than be entertaining and flashy in the ring he really is kind of limited. Also great to see Tyler Breeze just lay on the ropes and just be handsome. Red Arrow (best aerial move in years) on Breeze 123. Awesome.

Jerry Springer/Bella Segment. Ok so this happened. Bella’s apparently have a brother. Who I wish I went to high school with just so I could ask him everyday if he ever saw them make out. Everyday. This sucks. Fake fight. If anything it marginalizes the actual tension that could be in this feud it’s a bad Springer fight parody and we now have this. Nikki walks back up the aisle in a ugly red dress with her shoes off like the shitfaced girl after the bar closes. Also the Bella’s brother’s suit looks like it was made for a god damn toddler. Springer stretchered off. Oh go fuck yourself.

Goldust and Stardust vs Los Matadores

So apparently a month ago Stardust shelfed El Torito. How is he supposed to be a heel? Crowd loves him. Anyways in order to get revenge Los Matadores get squashed 123. Ok, that’s enough of Los Matadores Go to NXT and have good matches with guys on their way up like Tyson Kidd.

Adam Rose vs Titus O’Neal w/Heath Slater

So this match happened last week and it was so good Rey brought it back. Adam Rose could go on a Goldberg streak and no one will ever care or notice. Great song though. Superkick by the Bunny onto Heath Slater which serves as a distraction for Titus to eat a PartyFoul for the 123. What is going on here? Big Splash after the match onto Titus by the fucking bunny. Ok, we’ve lost control. Raw started really well though. I think the 10 o’clock hour is always going to just be a disaster no matter who is booking it.

Randy Orton vs Roman Reigns

25+ minutes left in Raw and I wouldn’t mind it if we finished with this match. I’ve really liked the work between these two have done, even if one is sort of limited and the other is Roman Reigns. Orton getting good matches out of Reigns on regularly only really cements his prowess to me as the super skilled heel worker who shines up the face and eventually puts him over into the next level. I know I say that a lot but you guys have to start believing it.

Reigns is more than fine in his role now. 2 years into wrestling he’s actually pretty good considering what the first two years of guys like Sid and Kane was like. The match falls apart as Orton signals that it’s time for Kane to make his weekly appearance in the main event as ‘boring antagonist no one considers to be a threat despite constant attempts to make him one’. Kane is followed by Rollins and what appears to be 15 stage hands who look ridiculous as they run out. The miscellaneous faceless workers get to the ring and they start to busy themselves under the ring, I assume looking for where the last hour went. Oh they’re setting up the cage. Setting a cage up on the fly huh? It’s like the WWE wants a malpractice suit.

The cage lowers and we have Reigns and Orton inside after Reigns fought off Kane and Rollins. Eventually after a couple tosses of the Viper off the cage Rollins gets bored and climbs before he gets in the ringHOLY SHIT HE DOVE OFF THE CAGE TOO! Wow. Two cage dives. Reigns did a great job catching him.

After the awesome dive Kane, Orton and Rollins beat Reigns down hitting the Curb Stomp on a chair. Which is nice to see Rollins work his way up from attempted murder to all out vicious assault.

I don’t understand how would Triple H be happy with the roster being widely depleted? Why would a corporation be happy if you smashed its product on a chair? Would the CEO of Pepsi, even if they’re evil(they are) be happy if someone took Mountain Dew and destroyed it? Aren’t destructive vindictive injury causing heels supposed to be reckless and acting independent and selfishly? Whatever. Orton is great.

Spot of the Night
Jericho dive off the cage.
Rollins dive off the cage.

The Good and The Bad.
Good
1
Sami Zayn on Raw
2 Cena and Heyman promos
3 cage match

Bad
1
Springer/Bellas
2 Adam Rose
3 Rosa

Night of Champions Card

WWE Heavyweight Championship Match
John Cena vs Brock Lesnar (c)

Intercontinental Championship Match
The Miz vs Dolph Ziggler (c)

Tag Team Championship Match
Goldust and Stardust vs The Usos (c)

Divas Championship Match
AJ vs Nikki Bella vs Paige (c)

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The Morning After Raw for September 1, 2014

I missed the first segment because I was at Wendy’s. You want dedication? That’s Jed. I’m just the guy filling in while he takes a well deserved break. Sorry about that.

Looks like I missed most of a megapromo setting up a six man tag. Holla at HHH, playa!

Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler vs Cesaro and The Miz w/ Stunt Double Damien Mizdow

The first of at least 3 tag matches is up first. IC and US champs vs their respective contenders. Cesaro steals a move from Dolph while Miz wears sunglasses. Sandow as Miz’s lackey is somehow a step up. Lukewarm tag to Sheamus leads to comedy spots with Miz not getting hit in the face. Crowd pops for the stupid chest forearms then promptly wants Ziggler again. So do I. Cesaro tags in as we go to commercial. Again. Ziggler gets a proper hot tag. The crowd rejoices as he hits the ring like a squirrel on crack. Miz steals a win and continues progressing towards being the best character on the roster.

A flashback to the worst segment in ages. Great. I’d rather have a toothache. I guess Brie stole Nikki’s prom date once. But Nikki has tits now. Win some, lose some.

Total Divas six person tag match.

The second of at least four tag matches. And I don’t care enough about this to even know who’s in it. At least it was over in 30 seconds.

Here’s a replay of Dean Ambrose dying on camera. You’d think law enforcement would be involved by now. Suppose they’re distracted by who shared Jennifer Lawrence’s pictures with the Internet.

Big Chocolate Sex Show vs Harper and Rowan

WWE keeps running this match and I’m not sure why. Rowan will slam somebody, Harper will boot somebody, Show and Henry will win a match that isn’t particularly good. I guess it’s something for them to do which beats the alternative. JBL compares Harper and Rowan to Brody and Hansen. Sure, only infinitely less important.

Rusev arrives to follow up on Mark Henry’s beatdown of him, officially (and mercifully) ending the feud with Swagger. Big Show lumbers into the guardrail and we tease a count out. As big and strong as Harper and Rowan are, their offense is reduced to stomps against Show. Thrilling. Crowd alternates between USA chants and complete silence. There’s the third bodyslam of Big Show by Rowan and the announce team is more impressed than the first time it happened. Henry takes the tepid tag. Rusev kicks Henry and the next victim is lined up for Vince’s pet project. The two enormous 40 year olds are left standing tall over the young talent as Cole says “Rusev strikes” over and over. We get it, Vince.

MORE NIKKI BELLA YAY. This has been the longest 45 minutes of Raw ever. Brie wrecked a car but unfortunately both Bella twins survived and now we have these segments.

Michael Sam invited to Raw. What could go wrong in front of a Baltimore crowd?

We get a video package to hype Night of Champions in lieu of Brock being there. It’s followed by the magic of Paul Heyman on a microphone.

Jack Swagger vs Curtis Axel

A singles match! AND ZEB IS BACK! Does Curtis Axel serve a purpose without Ryback? Bo Dallas is watching on as plants are pulled out of the crowd as JBL encourages Michael Cole to commit suicide. Crowd still wants to love Swagger. Axel taps and Swagger gets a needed win but not the win he needs.

Richie the farmer has a gambling problem. Angelo is too emotionally invested in pro wrestling. Chubby Jennifer has some problem with her kid or something but I’m distracted by her shirt buttons clinging for dear life.

Bo’s voice is hideous and perfect. Segment could have been stronger and Raw is only half over.

Adam Rose vs Titus O Neil

Adam Rose looks like he hates life as he heads to the ring for this marquee matchup. Michael Cole points out that Titus is the Gator in Slater Gator. Given that the other guy’s name is Heath Slater, I think we figured that out. Camera focuses on the bunny and we’re due to see him beat up Slater. It happens right on cue and Adam Rose picks up another win while doing absolutely nothing in the ring. After the match, Rose and the bunny sling Slater into the steps. Very babyface-ish. Remember when Slater pinned Rollins?

More Nikki Bella. I can’t listen. I’ll just assume Brie gave their dad AIDS.

Rusev vs Zack Ryder

What a brutal second hour. Former US Champion Zack Ryder. 90 second squash. Not a strong follow up to last week’s awful Raw. Here comes Mark Henry and we see a sign of weakness as Rusev retreats. Henry’s natural badassery is stealing Swagger’s face heat. I understand moving Rusev forward but the absolute burial of Swagger seems unnecessary. Hall of Pain reference and I guess we have two feuds at once for Mizark.

Stephanie McMahon is here and I’d be more excited if this wasn’t going to lead to more Bella tripe. Axel Braun hires better actresses than Nikki Bella. They’ve successfully made me hate both Bellas. Just when things couldn’t get more grating, AJ skips to the ring and gets CM Punk chants. Paige is shoehorned into the segment and I can’t help but feel a ridiculous 4 way match coming. Missy Hyatt was a raging whore but she was right about women’s wrestling.

On the replay, Paige makes a nice save of the title belt. There’s that, I guess.

Goldust vs one of the Usos.

I’m sure he has a name but I don’t care. The Usos are jerks who don’t accept apologies. Cody has been around for 7 years now. SEVEN. He’s been an Orton lackey, Dashing, mustache’d, a white bread babyface, and a genuine weirdo. Another 40 something beats another young talent and the crowd doesn’t know how to react here. Dusty’s boys beat up the other Uso again and the crowd still isn’t sure what’s happening. Maybe the Usos will accept the next apology.

RG3 looks like Andre Benjamin playing a football player. Mark Henry and Big Show may have just broken up on good terms.

Here comes HHH for the 6 man tag. Surely this isn’t going to be a 40 minute segment? Right?

John Cena, Roman Reigns, Chris Jericho vs Randy Orton, Seth Rollins, Kane

The crowd wants Rollins. Vince wants Reigns. Reigns looks like the star early on, holding a place for Jericho to sell and Cena to erupt. Orton is still WWE’s tofu – he can blend in anywhere but needs the right partner to really be enjoyable.

16 minutes into the match (with entrances) and we’re firmly in a holding pattern. Shield vs Wyatts this ain’t. Randy Orton has been around since 2002 and is only 34. He also feuded with Cena in OVW. It’ll never end – they’re Flair-Sting for the 21st century.

Cena struggles to hit an AA on Kane and is nowhere near 100%. Admirable but also makes you realize his time is relatively limited. There needs to be an urgency on turning Reigns, Cody, Cesaro, and others into legitimate main event players.

We hit the part of the match where Jericho plays the face in peril aka Ricky Morton and all that’s left is Cena’s big entrance. Enjoy Y2J while you can, there’s about 3 weeks left before he’s gone again. He takes my heart with him every time he leaves. 30 minutes in and still no Cena hot tag. Impressive to devote this much time to the main event, but what else were they going to do?

A 3 second interaction between Kane, Jericho, and Cena is the model of professionalism. Jericho makes the hot tag and immediately bails. Kane takes his licks as Cena ignites the crowd. They continue establishing Reigns’ place by letting Cena hand off to him for the win.

Next week’s Raw looks strong, as Jericho and Wyatt face off in a cage and Orton and Reigns square off again.

Oh, and Michael Sam has been invited to Raw. Welcome back, Jed.

Spot of the Night
Ziggler’s House of Fire

The Good and the Bad

The Good
1. The Miz’s character development
2. Paige’s reflexes
3. Zeb Colter returns

The Bad
1. Bella segments
2. Tag team matches or squash matches, take your pick
3. A new Total Divas hype cycle has begun

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The Morning After Raw for August 25, 2014

‘Blood and guts’pv:

What with the MURDER live on tv last week the WWE had a silly ending to write off one of its better characters in a ridiculous fashion. We move forward with Night of Champions 4 weeks away and with rumors of Reigns vs Lesnar at Wrestlemania 31, we have a lot of time to kill before a major pay off. With the looming Brie vs Nikki saga over our heads there’s at least 10 minutes a night right now that are really hard to get through. Add that to the no other feuds that get tv time or involve part timers in Jericho or Lesnar and…things kind of suck. Raw is live from Anaheim and I’ll forever love you Teemu Selänne.

Raw starts off with Hulk HogFUCK! Oh for god sake. Every week now with him pushing the stupid network? Oh. Here comes Ric Flair. Oh here comes HBK. Ok maybe this will be awesome. What’s a Hall of Fame Forum? Why are we having one? Brock vs Cena had a four week build now it deserves a 3 week reflection involving 3 guys who couldn’t seem more disinterested? HBK says maybe Cena is at a crossroads in his career where ‘we’ve all been’ and we’ve decided maybe it was time to hang it up. Yes Shawn, because if anyone knows when they’ve hit the point in their career when they’re not the man anymore it’s Flair and Hogan.

‘This isn’t a personality contest’ oh… A personality contest. Those are things I guess now. Thanks Shawn. Flair Hogan and HBK yell over each other for 5 AGONIZING minutes before Cena’s music hits and Hogan throws his mic angry that he got cut off. Who’s idea was it to do this? Let’s just get 3 guys who never let anyone else get a second of the spotlight in their career try and have a segment to make Cena look good?

Cena cuts a ‘I’m not giving up’ promo that was a needed legitimizing his match against Lesnar and again….why are Flair, Hogan and Michaels in the ring? Cena drops the mic and that’s all we get. What a terrible segment. You drag the 3 biggest ‘me’ guys out and expect Cena to look good? Holy shit.

Jack Swagger vs Rusev w/Lana

Oh come on Jack. USA! chants early and we are off to a strong beginning locking in his 73rd unsuccessful Patriot Lock of the feud. JBL commentary is just over the top for the second straight week. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t out of place that he doesn’t attack other faces. Cena, Jericho etc. JBL is so inconsistent it’s bothersome. Daniel Bryan could be mocked for going against what The Authority wants but not Cena? Why would anyone want a tweener announcer? Spinning Heel Kick by Rusev? Wow. That was athletic. Swagger gets a strong reaction by the crowd before locking in yet another failed Patriot Lock, which is exciting because it gives Rusev a chance to be the last guy in the company to actually sell. Patriot Lock, failure, maybe try something else Jack? Eventually the official stops the match after 4 minute Russian beating. Sure. I don’t know what that means.

Bo Dallas meets Swagger in the training room after the match to rub in that he’s a loser.

United States Championship Number One Contenders Match
Cesaro vs Rob Van Dam

Sheamus doing commentary, apparently had never sat in a chair before. He’s rolling all over the place, even bumping into JBL, control yourself. Also Sheamus dresses like a shithead. Anyways the Swiss Holding Pattern Cesaro and disinterested RVD have had a mini feud lately…or at least a series of meaningless matches. Sheamus addresses Cesaro through out the match and talks about having a match with him and what their relationship is like. Foreshadowing is at an all time low in subtlety tonight.

‘Sheamus, you actually won the United States Championship in a Battle Royal’

‘That’s true I did’

CHARISMA FOR DAYS!

Neutralizer 123. Not a thrilling match. Cesaro in the US Title picture isn’t that interesting to be honest, the secondary belts seem to be a dead zone.

Paige vs Natalya

A REMATCH! Paige locks Natalya in an Abdominal Stretch that looks ridiculous considering the size difference. SharpShooter. Reversed. Do submission holds matter anymore? Can anyone lock them in and have it matter? Paige Turner 123 bad match.

After the match AJ distracts Paige while Paige eats a Discus Clothesline by Natalya…who apparently is mad that she lost….
AJ gets the mic to stupid CM Punk chants, just die already, and kisses Paige’s hand. Mind games continuing! This is a bad review of a segment but honestly that’s all that happened. There’s nothing to really comment on. The crowd cheers for AJ and Paige like they’re gonna make out and let the audience finally feel what a tit feels like.

I thought these last few segments were bad, then this happened.

So Kane(who I now am so bored with I’m not even sure as to why I ever found him interesting) comes out to have a eulogy(fuck off) for Dean Ambrose(no). Rollins comes out to cut a ‘boo hate me’ promo. It’s not a bad promo it’s just taking place in a stupid format and Kane’s presence is overtly obnoxious. Reigns music hits and we have a new Rollins vs former Shield-mate feud. Brawl be all brawling and stuff until Kane breaks it up and Rollins escapes. Hey look! This! Things!

Tag Team Championship Match
The Usos vs Gold and Stardust

If the WWE loved me and these guys they’d make this the main event. Plancha by Jey Uso onto Stardust. Jey doesn’t make it back to the ring in time having partially sold a knee injury after taking a couple steps on it. Stardust takes exception and we have a heel turn! I guess we’ll see this end at Night of Champions. Or continue. Or not.

Lesnar video package. This is what we have now in place of a champion… Lesnar says he’s going to murder Cena. Normally I would mock this, but he honestly might murder him, so now I’m scared. No Heyman tonight. No Lesnar. No Trips. No Steph. Punk still gone. Bryan still hurt. Kurt Angle can not sign fast enough.

Dolph Ziggler vs Miz

Non-title singles match huh? Miz comes out to announce that in fact he will not be wrestling Ziggler and in fact in his place …

Damien Miz-dow vs Dolph Ziggler

Referring to Sandow as a ‘stunt double’ is kind of upsetting but this works. Really bad Figure Four by Miz-dow, I guess that’s how this is supposed to be. Still though Flair is here tonight. Someone try. Zig Zag 123.

Jeff Hardy special on the network this week. I’m sure Dixie is thrilled and not paranoid what so ever.

Back from commercial and King is in the ring dressed like a complete jerk off and regretfully it’s time for the Brie vs Nikki segment on tonight’s already bad show. Brie and Nikki are here to act apparently. This sucks. ‘You were holding me back in the ultrasound’. Guys. Help. ‘I wish you died in the womb!’ Oh for piss sake. Haha. Camera man missed the slap to Lawler. What a great ending to a horrendous segment. Raw is torture tonight.

Handicapped Match
Roman Reigns vs Kane and Seth Rollins

It’s 10 o’clock and we’re already getting this huh? So Kane is being called ‘Corporate Kane’ now. Kane and Rollinsnare a good tag team but the thought of Kane being betrayed/betraying another tag team partner and starting another feud with one gives me a total headache.

Kane reveals the concrete blocks, again, and the crowd groans expectedly. Reigns gets out of the Curb Stomp murder and after throwing Kane’s head off the ring post(2 feet away from actually making contract), Reigns tries to bash Rollins face in with a cement block. Guys… slowdown with the aggravated assaults already. It’s like an Abyss feud, except people are seeing it.

Slater Gator vs El Matadores w/ El Torito

My favorite tag team makes its Raw debut. Finally a comedy heel team now that we are supposed to take RybAxel seriously now. Slater ends up taking the pin because the WWE sucks tonight and nothing will ever make me happy again. Slater doing the fraternity bark that O’Neal does is the most entertaining thing tonight. Not a good night for tv.

Network to start showing first couple months of Nitro, wish I could watch it now.

Kofi Kingston vs Bo Dallas

Oh good another filler match. At least I get Bo. Remember when Kofi was going to be in that new faction and have something to do along with E and Washington? Well apparently fuck that. I never noticed how bad Kofi is at punches, or he just isn’t trying. I don’t blame him if he isn’t. Bo-Dog(botched) 123. But who cares about the match? I’m here for the promo.

Bo says Swagger, unlike Kofi, let down the whole country and not just himself. Swagger hits the ring and beats down Bo to a chorus of deserved boos. No ‘We the People’? Why pop the crowd before the main event right? Imagine Bo keeps doing work shoots in the Bo-lieve character? ‘Shawn I know you lost your smile but all you have to do is Bo-lieve!!!!

John Cena vs Bray Wyatt

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Very little chance this match ends with a child singing in a devil voice, but there’s still a chance. Bray’s music barely plays and he’s already in the ring. I guess they didn’t wanna have the audience get in the mood to cheer him. Annnnd we have a beat down by Cena on Wyatt… This match is really weird.

Wait, what is this? German Suplex on Wyatt? Dropping knees and elbows on his head? Eventually after the beatdown goes on a little too long Harper and Rowand get involved and out comes The World’s Biggest Tallest Athlete Man Strong Show to even the odds.

Mark Henry, Big Show and John Cena vs The Wyatt Family

So tonight sucks and it ends in another forgettable 6 man tag. I love Show and Henry together but they have to be heels ASAP. And as Big Show goes on his 3rd minute of looking to escape the ground and pound by 3 much smaller guys and get a hot tag it becomes apparent that this part makes no sense. Choke Slam out of nowhere, dramatically undersold by Cole and especially the crowd. Hot tag to Cena for the finish as Harper taps to the STF.

Now that Cena does German Suplexes and is back to Super Cena I think I like him now more than ever. His AA’s are at an all time low in torque and height but his STF is looking a whole lot better.

Spot of the night
Me making it through Nikki and Brie

The Good and The Bad
Good
1
Cena
2 n/a

Bad
1
Bella v Bella
2 Dean Ambrose eulogy
3 hall of fame forum

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