raw

The Morning After Raw for August 18, 2014

‘Mommy, tell me what happened to Jack Swagger’

So good news guys, apparently last night the WWE changed for good and that evil guy who refused to lay down clean on a big stage (like he did exactly one year ago) was finally beaten by a part timer (like he was by The Rock). Moving on, Summer Slam was all in all good. Lots of odd endings to matches and feuds that will continue past what should’ve been a blow off pay per view, last night was more like a Battleground than a Summer Slam. But i can’t imagine caring about something like that. If you do, smother yourself in lava you forever dork. Raw is live from Las Vegas and I bet you’re a dick.

Steph comes out first to Daniel Bryan’s music and mocks the crowd to some good old fashioned heat churning, torturing the crowd always makes me happy. Especially considering how much I love her. Steph casually drops that there will be a new WWE Heavyweight Championship Belt, oh cool. Right? Guys? A new belt! We only get these once a year now.

Steph celebrates her victory and unfortunately for me she brings out Nikki Bella. As an audience we are subjected to more Total Divas level of acting and what I guess I’m supposed to believe is a storyline here. Nikki forgets her lines a couple times and I guess this is seriously our opening.

Brie comes out in a dress that says ‘Brie Mode’ which I guess is still a thing and I refuse to look into it in any way. Nikki unloads with a pretty wild slap on Brie and the audience reacts because they’re probably supposed to. Up until that slap this segment was complete poison. Holy piss what a terrible segment. This was the opener? Really? Was Lesnar not in the building yet?

Harper and Rowan vs Big Show and Mark Henry

Oh boy. This is a lot of dude in one match. World Strongest Show? Good for Big Show and Henry for tag teaming. They should instantly have the belts and turn heel and hopefully not be in a rush to break up. I say be heels because the hot tag best down parts make no sense. Why is Big Show down being worn out by Rowan? Body Slam by Rowand on Big Show? Wow. This seems like it should be a bigger deal than they’re making it. WMD into World’s Strongest Slam 123.

Backstage moment with Flair and Ziggler and I don’t know what happened after because I fainted after being overwhelmed with emotion.

Backstage Ambrose beats up Rollins, just what this feud needed!!! Triple H decides to have an ap vote for the match between Ambrose and Rollins for later tonight. They cut to the crowd perfectly to catch a guy dicking around on his phone. Great job everyone!!

Natalya in the ring after the segment and I am wondering when the show starts.

Natalya vs Paige

Paige still skipping around the ring, I guess none of these feuds really ended last night. Paige crawls on top of Natalya like Aksana used to do back when she was a character and the crowd cheers. She then airmailed what I assume should be headbutts but look more like her rocking out to some band that doesn’t play outdoors. AJ distraction, roll up by Natalya 123. Oh who cares.

Triple H and Stephanie come down to the ring to unveil the new WWE Heavyweight Championship Belt which I assume will have the Jimmy John’s logo on it. So the new title looks a lot like the old WWE belt, which is not that old really. But ok.

As Lesnar stomps his way to the ring I wonder why this couldn’t have started Raw? Too good of a start? Too many people would retain interest? After 2 minutes of posing Heyman gets the mic and an hour into the show Raw has started.

Heyman gets the mic and thoroughly gloats about being right about the whole Cena almost dying in front of a million people thing. Terrifying. Lesnar is sitting down relaxed and I’m afraid he will jump through the television and beat me to death with my own legs. Heyman goes on to praise Cena before ultimately saying everyone who goes in front of Lesnar will eventually die. Heyman is just terrific. He’s the perfect mouth piece for the perfect wrestler. Eat. Sleep. Suplex. Repeat. Suplex. Suplex. Repeat. Suplex. Repeat. (Continue 16 more times) this is a great promo. Heyman and Lesnar are at the zenith of this industry and they’re great to see, and as they walk out I wonder if we will see them again before Survivor Series.

Intercontinental Title Match
The Miz vs Dolph Ziggler (c)

The rematch. Ziggler with a jobber entrance and Miz comes out still dressed like Rayden. When does Dolph get new merch? Doesn’t really matter, if you look at WWE’s new line of t-shirts they’re all pretty atrocious. Ziggler hurts his knee early in the match and we have ourselves a in match story! Figure Four. Oh boy. A one day title run? Remember when Miz and Barrett did this last year? Anyways that isn’t going to happen. Ziggler gets counted out and Miz beats Ziggler down after the match. We have ourselves a good midcard feud. Remember these?

Backstage interview with Swagger and he cuts…wait is this a good promo? Where is Zeb? Why is this good? ZEB?!?

Jack Swagger vs Cesaro

Seeing Cesaro is just uncomfortable now. I love the direction if the current company and storylines but one of my favorite characters is just washed over with indifference. Abdominal Stretch! Whenever Cesaro brings back one of my old school moves I can’t help but smile. JBL in some vintage ‘I hate Swagger for losing’ heel color commentary match. If he picked his spots and didn’t yell over everything this would be actually refreshing. Neutralizer 123. Swagger shouldn’t have lost this. That’s too bad. No it isn’t. BO DALLAS!!!!!

Bo rubs in the losses pretty brutally. But good news, so what if you lost your biggest match and the WWE didn’t get behind the patriotic gimmick long term and now Zeb could conceivably be gone, you just have to Bo-lieve. Ouch. Someone lie to me and tell me it gets better.

Jericho backstage promo. Hey! More backstage promos this is great! Of course this was probably recorded last night, but whatever.

Randy Orton and RybAxel vs Roman Reigns, Sheamus and Rob Van Dam

The past present and future of boring second tier faces. Wow. RVD and Ryback in the same ring. Is this allowed? Ryback Rules and Feed Me More chants from the audience. The hometown big guy working as a face tonight. Hey remember when he was more over than Sheamus ever was? Oh well. RVD hits the 5 Star Frog Splash on Axel or as you know him ‘the guy who absolutely was taking the pin in this match’.

Wyatt promo in the dark studio backstage. Everyone is talking tonight. This show is great. I mean the stories are kind of boring and this show had no direction long term for the main event, BUT WRESTLERS ARE ACTUALLY TALKING AND SHOWING PERSONALITY.

The Usos vs Goldust and Stardust

Hey look, tag teams doing things. The match starts with Goldust being hit with multiple arm drags and I’m wondering if maybe there should be an alternate plan of action for wrestling a 47 year old man. JBL and King team up to marginalized the Polynesian culture and proud history, not bad guys! What war did they ever fight?!? Certainly none against the white Euro-ancestors that pretty much manifest destined their kingdom into a natural resource feed for the whites. Anyways the audience doesn’t care about this Main Event level match and I don’t have an argument as to why they should. Good wrestling isn’t enough, I guess. Stardust eventually wins with a Sunset Flip. 123. Come on guys. Care.

Lana makes her way to the ring with Rusev to reflect on her win at Summer Slam, or Rusev’s. I think he’s the one who wrestled. Mark Henry, who hasn’t been used in the last 2 months apparently is here because he hates Russia. I wasn’t as serious about Swagger losing earlier until this segment right now. Wow. Swagger really is cast off as a loser after the last feud. Is this his punishment for the DUI from 2012? Sucks. World’s Strongest Slam. So, what about the tag team? Big Show? Now Henry has to come in this feud and lose at the next PPV?

Falls Count Anywhere Match
Dean Ambrose vs Seth Rollins

I wonder what is going to close tonight? This couldn’t be the fade to black match, could it? The ap vote decided this match would be Falls Count Anywhere over No DQ and No Holds Barred. Which is basically 3 different ways of saying Kane is going to interfere. Ambrose goes under the ring and I seriously wish death upon the guy who keeps putting the stupid kendo stick there. The match spills out into the crowd, instantly. It doesn’t so much spill out as it was destined to end up there so why not get it over with.

Suplex into the stage. Ouch. The match moves back into the ring and something I didn’t think was allowed anymore happens. So, Ambrose does a diving elbow with the chair…to Rollins face. Chair shot to head? Irish whip reversal and Ambrose eats a chair to the face in the corner. Hmmm. I thought… Whatever. After a proper caning Ambrose goes under the ring to get a conservative estimate of 73 chairs. Running Powerbomb onto the chairs by Rollins. WOW. 1 2 kick out

Are you kidding? That’s more devastating than any finisher in the last month. Kane makes his way to ringside as Rollins fetches a table. Superplex through the table. Why save this match for Raw? Suicide dive onto Kane. Nigel Lariat. Dirty Deeds. 1 2 Kane interferes. Kane now has surpassed Bischoff, Norton, Buff and Vincent for unnecessary run ins on Monday night Main events. This is bordering on ‘enough already’ and is very close to ‘what’s the point in watching’.

Wheres Reigns? Chokeslam onto table. Ouch. Curb stomp onto table. Now bear with me because things are about to get absurd.

Kane reveals a pile of cinder blocks and holds Ambrose head over it for Rollins to Curb Stomp/commit first degree murder on national tv. Fake EMTs close Raw.

No seriously cinder blocks smashed by a man’s skull.

Spot of the Night
Powerbomb onto chairs

The Good and The Bad
Good
1
Rollins vs Ambrose
2 Heyman and Lesnar
3 Miz and Ziggler feud

Bad
1
Nikki Bella
2 kendo sticks
3 fake EMTs

bannerfans_959862

The Morning After WWE’s Summerslam

Summer Slam

So a year ago today I actually rolled over on my couch in agony when Triple H Pedigreed Bryan and ‘The Authority’ angle was born. A year later after some missteps of Big Show and repeated jerk arounds with Daniel Bryan and Batista we find ourself back at the WWE’s second biggest night of the year. I guess. I’m more inclined to say its 4th. Wrestlemania, Royal Rumble, Raw After Wrestlemania and Summer Slam. But going on the premise that tonight could somehow matters more than all but one other night. It doesn’t.

Cesaro vs Rob Van Dam

Oh boy. Rob Van Dam returns to the Summer Slam opening prematch. Boy is the WWE not getting their money out of him. Cesaro still on the roster despite the WWE’s best efforts. Imagine a world where Ryback and Cesaro still mattered? As the match starts the streaming quality takes a dive and the previous Network cuts out. I this happened later tonight I would probably cry. WHY AM I ALWAYS SHOCKED WHEN THEY GO TO COMMERCIALS IN THE PREMATCH?!?

Cesaro does a Rolling Thunder into a Jumping Stomp and in one second has done more innovating and outshines anything RVD has done since ECW debuted on SciFi. Cesaro catches RVD with 3 attempts at the Frog Splash before eventually jumping into a European Uppercut and after a couple tired offensive moves by RVD he connects with a bad Five Star Frog Splash, shit, 123. Cesaro fucking loses. Wow I hope my network is still screwing up. What does that do for RVD? Oh good. A win over Cesaro, that will surely benefit him.

Corporate tongue washing and compromising the product in order to give screen time to a horrible person who won some contest who I sincerely hope doesn’t make it home safely from the arena. Why do I watch the preshow?

Hulk Hogan here to unapologetically hammer the Network pitch to us. Wow. This is bad. This is becoming too much for me now. This doesn’t even appear to have any irony to it. This is Oxy-Clean level of pandering. Gross.

Anyways the show is about to start. Man I hope Cena doesn’t die.

Intercontinental Title Match
Dolph Ziggler vs The Miz (c)

Oh cool. Wrestling and an actual feud. Miz comes out dressed as a reverse vampire and I’m already googling where I can get a white cloak suit thing. Miz is back to getting booed, it’s been a while but it’s actually fun to see him again. Miz reverses an Irish Whip to the corner and Ziggler hits the turnbuckle with the force to cave in the sun. Very good opening match taking place under the plague blanket of me knowing that Ziggler has to lose. Not that I want Miz to not win. I just wish they’d both come over my house and play GoldenEye64 with me. Fame-Asser reversed into Skull Crushing Finale 12-kick out? Oh wow, that was a nice twist. Wait it’s a big PPV, which is like a PPV with more false finishes, which is like Raw with false finishes.

ZigZag123. What? Miz’s character though… What? Why? I mean thanks, but why? Miz needs this win his character is trending upwards and Ziggler’s as much as it disgusts me isn’t. Why does the WWE consistently let the air out of its midcard pushes?

Divas Championship Match
Paige vs AJ Lee (c)

So Paige skips out to the ring because this is still mind games and we are mind gamin’. Paige offers a handshake. AJ bites her hand. MIND GAMES!!! Fake extension pulled out. We have ourselves a thing. Can this just be a good match? Another fake extension thing. Is this going to be a theme? I thought this match could stand on its own, we need this? Network quality dies again. Sigh. Diving Clothesline to the outside by AJ. This isn’t a great match, certainly not in the way the internet would have you believe, but at least it isn’t boring. Paige counters the Black Widow into her new finisher which is called RamPaige. Rampage/RamPaige Get it? AJ loses clean? Ps that wasn’t a good match.

It’s a play on rampage.

Flag Match
Jack Swagger w/Zeb Colter vs Rusev w/Lana

FLAG MATCH WE HAVE A FLAG MATCH!!! Lana talks about Hollywood is the worst part of America and a lot of people watching at home loudly agree. Lana didn’t bring up the Ferguson shooting. Swagger out after with a color guard and I always love seeing this sort of thing. It’s weird to actually see legitimate pride and honor on TV. Especially with how shitty Shark Week has become. Rusev hits Swagger and the flag is dropped and it hits the ground and instantly I feel bad for the Army guys outside the ring. What the fuck is that about? The flag can’t hit the ground you assholes. So after a couple exchanged signature submission holds it’s Rusev’s ankle vs Swagger’s ribs. Patriotism? Selling? Psychology? In match story telling? Am I in the early 90s? Rusev actually sells the injured ankle on Irish Whips? I can’t even remember the last time I saw that. Bret Hart, Cena, Sheamus and Del Rio are watching this wondering what’s going on and if Rusev is actually hurt. Wow, the crowd is hot for this match. Rusev eventually gets Swagger in the Accolade and Swagger passes out for the win. Where was the whole flag thing? The crowd sounds like they had their guts ripped out from them and they pretty much have.

After the match Rusev kicks Zeb in the face and this feud apparently isn’t over. The Russian anthem plays, uninterrupted and I feel like the WWE forgets how this sort of thing is supposed to work.

Lumberjack Match
Dean Ambrose vs Seth Rollins

Here’s the match the internet considers to be the best feud on this card, sure. “Go to the dictionary and look up ‘unstable’ and you’ll find Dean Ambrose there”. Thanks King. HYPERBOLE!! Keeping with heel Lumberjack tradition, Rollins, of course is thrown outside and has to act completely exasperated by the presence of the lumberjacks. As if not being clued in on the stipulation. Befuddled as he may be, the match continues. I can’t even look at Cesaro now. What happened? I feel like we should all send him cards. HE TRUSTED US AND WE LET HIM DOWN. Why don’t the Usos have a match? No tag belt match? Nothing for Goldust and Stardust? Why have them debut then? Have them show up on Monday night so they stop feeling unimportant.

Oh yeah there’s a match going on. Suplex to the outside on top of the lumberjacks. That was cool. Never see that in lumberjack matches. Wait why not?

I wonder if Sin Cara decided to have a fall on the other side of the ring away from the action 4 seconds later. Different guy under the mask but remember, he sucks. Several more lumberjack spots and dives and I’m having a good time. The fight spills out into the crowd and Kane yells for the heel-jacks to go out after Ambrose. This match is wildly confusing and Rollins gets his case and walks off. He’s had enough guys!! Rollins carried back to the ring by the face-jacks, and keeping with the clusterfuck Ambrose dives on top of the pile and everyone hits the ground.

Hey this is fun. Kane interferes and we have a 24 person brawl in the ring. Yay! This is still fun! Rollins hits Ambrose with the case while the ref is distracted 123. Are any of the feuds done after tonight?

Bray Wyatt vs Chris Jericho

Wyatt comes out dressed like a complete asshole in a leather butcher’s apron and a fedora. If Bray couldn’t cut promos I would seriously hate him. This feud has one good installment in it and it happened at last Raw, I’m not sure that’s enough given what these two deserve but I’m excited for tonight. Hopefully this match goes well. After a couple minutes inside the match spills to the outside and Wyatt’s continued inability to make his offense and beatdowns look good shines yet again. His knees and punches look so bad. The only parts of Bray’s offense that looks good are the brutal stiff Clotheslines and Flying Crossbodys, he’s so inconsistent in the ring it makes me wonder if anyone else notices. Wyatt on top throwing elbows that connect with nothing. Sigh.

Codebreaker. Wyatt’s foot supposed to be on the ropes; ends up having to kick out. Too bad. Anyways match spills to the outside and after an outside/inside Sister Abigail, Wyatt wins clean. 123. The WWE is really pushing heel tonight. Good match.

Stephanie McMahon vs Brie Bella

Steph comes out dressed like Chyna and I start cracking up at how stupid wrestling can be. Steph walks up to Ronda Rousey and flashes the Horsemen 4 and I get a cold sweat that the MMA/4 Horsewomen stable rumored to be happening months ago on dirt sheets could happen as it sounded like the dumbest idea ever. Brie comes out and we have a match. Kind of. You forget that Brie has looked good recently as this match starts. I guess that was months ago and now with her wrestling someone who hadn’t wrestled in 11 years…maybe I would rather watch a different match. Rolling Reverse Neckbreaker by The Franchise Steph Douglas. The match basically consists of Steph dominating Brie and me scrolling through twitter reading about baseball.

I wonder who is worse at performing/selling the hair toss? Here comes Triple H and here comes Nikki. If there’s a turn here the WWE has gone full troll. Annnnd there it is. Forearm to Brie by Nikki. Steph Pedigrees Brie and we have a finish. If the WWE is going to have Cena lose and Ziggler win they’re certainly gonna rub their ass in everyone’s face in the meantime. Sure.

Horrible segment with a commercial tie in that was discussed earlier repeats and we’re back having this total lull in the programming again. I guess you can go online and see more from this segment, no one could possibly want to do that.

Randy Orton vs Roman Reigns

What a great year from Orton looking back on it. It’s tapered off into him being the main event heel worker but I’ve loved him these past 12 months and his in ring work has been unmatched. Yeah I just said all that. Roman Reigns makes his way in through the audience and I can’t help but notice some prick in the second row dressed up like Wolverine. My night is ruined. Roman Reigns still wears a flack jacket. ENOUGH.

Prettiest Superplex ever makes an appearance and given the size of Reigns it could be one of his best Orton has ever connected with. Reigns shows new offense with a bad Sleeper hold. You know a move is done bad when you think to yourself ‘Beefcake did it better’. Power Slam out of a Spear attempt by Orton. That was awesome. Former WCW champion ringside. David Arquette. Still a champion. Shut up. Samoan Drop off the second rope. Nice move, Cole says it was from the top rope though when it clearly wasn’t. Hmmm. RKO by Orton, kick out by Reigns and as we get to the end of this match I wish I just watched 2 hours of this match. Punt reversed into a Spear 123. Very good match. Best so far.

WWE Heavyweight Championship Match
Brock Lesnar w/Paul Heyman vs John Cena

Lesnar is terrifying. The match begins and…F5. Ok? Where do we go from here? 1 2 kick out. And all the dorks pirating this are upset that the WWE loves Cena too much and they wished it was a 4 second squash. ‘Lesnar is one of the best MMA fighters of all time’. Oh. Ok. 74 German Suplexes and stomps later Lesnar(who’s face is fire hydrant red and I think everyone is too scared to tell him) stands over Cena and I’m wondering what is going on here. Who is watching this and isn’t terrified? Even the anti-Cena dorks in their Ring of Honor fedoras can’t be enjoying this.

Suddenly a burst of offense and an AA and this match is just crazy. 1 2 kick out. Lesnar sits up and starts laughing at Cena and I’m scared even though I’m a thousand miles away. Lesnar proceeds to beat Cena for what feels like an eternity following it up with German Suplexes numbers 75-78. Is Cena’s neck ok to take this? JBL bleeped out for saying ‘Jesus Christ’. Oh so JBL can’t say that but it’s ok for me to watch John Cena be murdered on national TV.

Germans 79-81. I’ve never seen a WWE championship match like this. What is going on here? I wish I really counted how many Germans were going on so this didn’t seem like a joke. Is this really the best plan? Take a hot shit on the surgically repaired neck by Cena? This reminds me of playing people online in a video game and having no plan to beat them but spamming them with the same move/play over and over. This match looks like one of those infinitely repeating gifs.

‘Boring’ chant by some guy who people ignored in high school. STF!!! Wow. Cena’s offense is actually really surprising when it comes in bursts. Lesnar is pouring sweat to the point Patrick Ewing is embarrassed. Lesnar breaks out of the STF. Yikes. Hammer fists. Ouch. F5. Ow. 123. Oof. Lesnar destroys Cena. Wow. Did not see that coming. 5 minute beat down for the WWE title huh?

Spot of the Night
Cesaro’s Rolling Thunder

The Good and The Bad

Good
1
Orton vs Reigns
2 Rollins vs Ambrose
3 Miz vs Ziggler/Miz’s cloak

Bad
1
Hogan selling a network that performs like shit
2 Steph vs Brie
3 16 German Suplexes on Cena’s neck

So wait is Summer Slam one word or two?

bannerfans_959862

The Morning After Raw for August 11, 2014

‘RIP Robin Williams’

With one week left to assemble the pieces before the ’2nd biggest’ night of the year I wouldn’t say the WWE has an impossible task in front of them but it would be nice if the people in the main event are in the same building on the same day. The Jericho/Wyatt feud is in dire need of some more television time. There’s so many builds that deserve more time and the WWE has 3 hours to manage them and they’ll need every minute…

Oh wait its Hulk Hogan’s birthday and there’s going to be a celebration for him. Great Hulk. Hustle and Flow is on too. Which mean I’ll be watching Raw 2 hours after all of you. But will I have a better time?

Is a pig pussy pork?

Raw is live from Portland Oregon, and every man got to have a dream.

Raw begins with Brock Lesnar walking by a pile of gifts on the stage looking at them with the same disgust I share with him. Paul Heyman follows and we have step two in building a feud, 2 weeks after we had step one. Heyman does a wonderful job of cutting the promo that fits Lesnar. Lesnar hurts and retires people(literally).

Which reminds me, this is a plea for the WWE to book Sting in the WWE to have one last match with Brock Lesnar. Just so Lesnar can shelf another legend.

Heyman does a rap, cites The Rock, Hogan, Undertaker, him being Jewish, and a shot at being in Portland, and announces that they are going to dinner and when they are finished they’ll come back. So all in all that was remarkably successful. Let Paul talk more, I can’t explain how much I loved that.

JBL, Cole and King follow this great beginning of the show up with infomercial level shilling of the network.

Handicapped Match
Roman Reigns vs RybAxel

Corporate Kane is back, I’d say this is bad but at least he’s not Demon Kane anymore. I guess this whole RybAxel taking the next step thing isn’t happening. This makes 2 weeks in a row with a total neck beard in the first row dressed as Bray Wyatt. It will be hard enough to get Wyatt back to peaked relevance but people like you aren’t helping with your fucking sonic the hedgehog decals on your Subaru. Throw yourself in the street you puke. ‘TAG IN THE BIG GUY’ ok I still love Ryback. ‘PLAY TIME IS OVER AND SO AM I’ ok I am infatuated with the jerk. The match is thrown out after a count out and when RybAxel go to plant the beat down Reigns rallies showing off a new Leg Kick and Clotheslines. He’s up to at least 5 moves now. That’s tied with Bret Hart.

Roman Reigns interviewed in the ring after, he’s severely out of breath maybe we go crazy and retire the god damn flack jacket and cargo pants?

Rob Van Dam vs Seth Rollins

A Lumber Jack Match huh guys? We needed a roster dump that badly? This should be a good time. RVD doesn’t even have a match for Summer Slam. What was the plan in bringing him back? Come middle on Raw and take tv time away from Kofi? Curb Stomp 123. Great sell by RVD. Tune in Sunday and see him be a completely disinterested Lumberjack.

‘Rush’ a TV show about a coke addicted doctor had a ‘check please’ tag up in a commercial for their next episode. Looks like a really creative show you guys have there, outside the box thinking.

After the match Ambrose jumps out of a present and chases Rollins off. I’ve been nice about Ambrose lately, but it’s time, when is he going to do something that matters? He’s not as good of a worker as Rollins, doesn’t get pops like Reigns, when is it ok to say he’s been less than interesting?

Stephanie is out next to bring in a plant out of the audience and have her say that she has been having an affair with Daniel Bryan. Megan is a personal trainer/horrendous actress and she sucks the show’s ass out and now all we have is what was an enjoyable personal feud over a year in the making with impressive subtleties, and now it’s completely compromised with absolute piss.

Why do this?

Why bring in an atrocious actress to this feud? Can’t we just let Brie Bella do the flat deliveries? She doesn’t get showered with boos. Megan you’re somehow worse than Brie. Brie comes out, slaps Megan and then beats up Stephanie and puts her in the Yes Lock until Fit Finlay and Jamie Noble break it up. What the shit.

Jack Swagger w/Zeb Colter vs Cesaro

Please have an interaction with Hogan and help launch the god damn guy already. Cesaro with a jobber entrance, maybe a rub with the help of Hogan isn’t the best idea. Sucks to see red and yellow balloons in the rafters, a reminder that this stupid Hogan thing is still happening. When did Cesaro start wearing knee pads? Abdominal Stretches abound as the condition of Swagger’s ribs are called into question. Big Boot by Swagger missed by about 2 feet. Why is this match so bad? Senton by Cesaro? Swagger climbs up and grabs Cesaro off the top rope making him tap to the Patriot Lock. Ps Swagger’s bulge is ridiculous.

Chris Jericho and Bray Wyatt have a sit down talk 2 feet from each other’s faces. This is finally what I’ve been waiting for from these two. Raw tonight has matches but it desperately needed talking, Paul, Steph, Cena all needed totals but maybe most important these two needed to talk. Bray does what I consider to be his best promo since joining the WWE, and I think he really needed it. Jericho reminds me of his 08 run when he was calm and quiet and what he said carried weight and he wasn’t Jericho the showman. Yay! It didn’t end in a fight! It’s a legitimate actual feud! Oh… Jericho must not be at Raw.

AJ Lee vs Eva Marie

So Eva Marie is still not very good. AJ is distracted by a skipping Paige and she gets pinned. Mind games! WE HAVE LEVEL 9 MIND GAMES!!!

Paige with a nursery rhyme poem thing in place of a promo, or anything. That’s it? I’m guess the match will have to do.

John Cena is out next to cut a promo and play catch up to Heyman’s work earlier. Cena says flatly “I’m not going to lay down to Brock Lesnar”. Hmmm. I can feel the internet seethe. Then he goes on to discuss a potential heel turns and how he will be a beast at Summer Slam and we will get the John Cena we have never seen before. Wow. Did not see this coming.

Brie gets arrested for hitting an audience member. More fake cops. This feud did not need a second fair arrest. What a horrible installment tonight in this feud.

Dolph Ziggler vs Heath Slater

The Miz stands on the commentary table for the match. Can’t help but notice he’s wearing black boat shoes, no socks with a white suit. Wow. Miz’s mic becomes unplugged and they talk about that over the first in ring action worth commenting on tonight. Great. Zig Zag but Miz interferes and gets beaten up by Ziggler before ultimately getting counted out. He’s a 3 Man Band!!!

Sheamus vs Randy Orton

Look who’s still on the roster!! This US Title is a joke. Enough already. Retire the belt no one even cares about it. You’ve successfully killed another legend of WCW Vince congrats. Wow Sheamus has a gross bruise on his bicep. What happened? Anyways Orton catches Sheamus with an RKO off of a top rope Dive by Sheamus. Very good match.

Wait was that really the main event The Hogan birthday thing is really here to close the show?

Hulk Hogan is out to watch a video package about his career and very little WCW is shown outside of 2 seconds of the NWO. None of his historic battle with Aces N Eights. Too bad. Hulk, of course, schills the network, as would appear his only purpose in being brought in has been.

Ric Flair comes out to ultimately show up Hogan and discuss what I assume could only be their TNA feud from 2010. Orndorff out next hulking up the crowd and stealing kisses from the divas. Piper out next to hopefully form tackle Hogan and scream about how he never got the strap. Superstars notably cheering for Piper more than Flair, Hogan and Orndorff.

Finally the reason I’m watching. Hall and Nash come out next, I wonder if Konan thinks the WWE is racist for not inviting him to be a part of this? Nash looks amazing. Hall looks alive. HEY YO. Hogan rips off his shirt to show the NWO shirt on under. Flair rolls his eyes. Nash begins to sing happy birthday when…

Lesnar’s music hits and I start to get excited thinking about him breaking Hall of Famers over his knee. Lesnar gets in everyone’s face. Flair laughs, probably shouldn’t have. Orndorff glares back. Jimmy Hart over sells fear and starts doing his 80s shaking scared hopping in place gimmick. Scott Hall hides behind Mean Gene. Nash doesn’t flinch, maybe not the right group of guys to do this with, this was a huge oversight. Stare down between Hogan and Brock when Cena hits the ring. Great ending.

Spot of the Night
RKOut of Nowhere

The Good and the Bad
Good
1
Scott Hall
2 Heyman/Cena
3 Jericho/Wyatt

Bad
1
Megan the Physical Trainer
2 fake cops
3 Lesnar didn’t shelf the HOF

Summer Slam

WWE Heavyweight Championship Match
Brock Lesnar vs John Cena (c)

Stephanie McMahon vs Brie Bella

Bray Wyatt vs Chris Jericho

Lumber Jack Match
Dean Ambrose vs Seth Rollins

Roman Reigns vs Randy Orton

Divas Championship Match
Paige vs AJ (c)

Intercontinental Championship Match
Dolph Ziggler vs Miz (c)

Flag Match
Jack Swagger vs Rusev

bannerfans_959862

The Morning After Raw for August 4, 2014

“Well…”

If Brock and Cena both aren’t here why do I have to pretend to try? 2 episodes of Raw left before Summer Slam and the two guys from the biggest match are sitting at home and filming a terrible movie? My prayers are answered as tonight we have a contract signing between Steph and Brie!! Raw is live from Texas University, their football program is a joke, and there’s no way Reigns isn’t standing over Orton as we go off the air.

The show opens with Kane, Orton, Rollins, Triple H and Stephanie coming out and all of them being billed as ‘The Authority’. Maybe we need a definitive answer as to who is actually in The Authority full time? Anyways Triple H is here to run down the card of Summer Slam and sell it as the best card ever. Which it certainly is the best card of the year. Maybe.

Why is Trips continuing to bait the crowd to boo his mentioning of The Network and the $9.99 subscription fee? Steph touches the mic and is crushed with boos. Wow. She is despised. Is Trips goal to get The Network booed? He’s succeeding. This would be like Steve Jobbs mocking people who buy iPads. ‘I dare you to buy one ya moron’.

Orton promo about promising to hurt Reigns or whatever, interrupted by Reigns walking through the audience. Enough of the entrance through the crowd already. Roman’s speaking part in tonight’s show is of course destroyed by some idiot behind him making faces and laughing at himself and his friend’s encouragement afterwards. Whoever you are, wherever you live sir, whatever your life is, I hope it’s full of sudden tragedy. Anyways we get this…

Last Man Standing
Kane vs Roman Reigns

With Summer Slam only a couple weeks away I wonder who’s role will be to lose on Raw before the PPV. Looks like Kane, RVD, Del Rio and Sheamus all have dubious roles coming up here. Anyways, this march seems a little over the top for an episode of tv. Reigns and Kane take turns throwing each other into barriers and we get to sit through the ref counting to 7 a loosely estimated 70 times. Oh god. A kendo stick. What did I do wrong? Enough of the ref counting already.

Reigns busted open, haven’t seen blood on Raw in a while. Choke Slam through a table. This match is boring as all piss but the crowd is hot for it and by the time Reigns gets to his Spear they’re going crazy. Kane can’t get up from a Spear, huh? Oh well. Reigns is on fire. Hopefully that’s the end of kendo sticks tonight.

Brock vs Cena video package. Really cool to watch. Would’ve been cooler to see either of them in fucking person but they can’t be asked.

Damien Sandow vs Mark Henry

So I guess Damien Sandow coming out to Oklahoma music upsets people from Texas. Guys get the fuck over yourselves. You don’t even go to the schools involved in this feud. Anyways, Mark Henry, who did go to Texas(unlike these schleprocks), and is still completely terrifying to see, is on his way out because somebody gon’ get they wig split. Sandow is squashed almost immediately by a World Strongest Slam and that wraps up this incredibly successful yet confusing segment to me. Vince Young is sitting 3rd row. That makes sense considering even marginal pros sit first row.

Backstage segment where Adam Rose stares into a mirror and sees himself in a business suit, i have no idea what this is about. I’m just glad it didn’t last long. Torture.

Beat the Clock Challenge
Alberto Del Rio vs Dean Ambrose

Jerry Lawler keeps continuing to mention The Network being $9.99 in clumsy, lazy, shitty ways. So Del Rio continues the uneasy trend of seeing capable hands that were major parts if last year’s card being left off this year’s, but no one likes these guys so they won’t make any list on What Culture and no one will make posts wondering what happened to their push. Oh well. Maybe Del Rio doesn’t deserve better. Some idiot in the crowd waiving his phone around with the flash light on. I suspect he was loudly booing a college rivalry he has no place in. Hopefully later tonight his car crashes into the guy who made the faces behind Reigns and they both die. 10:30 minutes into the match now and I’m dreading having to sit through 10+ minutes of what RVD has to offer. This is a weird beat the clock challenge. Del Rio isn’t avoided getting pinned, Ambrose isn’t even going for pins. What is going on here? 13 minutes into the match Del Rio remembers he’s a heel and it was time to start attacking his wrapped up shoulder. False alarm, no offense on the shoulder, Reverse Superplex instead. Wow nice spot. 15:42 the match finally ends when Ambrose hits his finisher with a stupid name on Del Rio. Nice little story told in the match by Ambrose not being able to hit his finisher with his injured shoulder, wish someone told Del Rio. PS this match was boring.

Rusev w/ Lana vs Sin Cara

This match happened during the ap. No I’m not kidding. Fuck this show.

Lana promo on TV, I guess this makes more sense. Lana plays up the Obama/Putin thing, which unbeknownst to me is a thing, singing Obama happy birthday. The WWE picked the wrong state to draw heat for disrespecting the president in. Zeb and Swagger come out with a power point presentation showing blue collar people and soldiers. This is a bad political campaign tactic. I’m surprised it took so long to make it to wrestling. This is cheap, but it’s working. Good for the WWE. USA chant builds before a brawl between Swagger and Rusev. Wait, what the piss is a ‘Flag Match’?

Dolph Ziggler vs Cesaro

Cesaro and Ziggler both with jobber entrances. At least this match isn’t taking place on an ap. Miz on commentary, did you guys know he was in some movie or something? Truth be told I love his suit. Miz looks fantastic and his current character referring to his ‘brand’ is genius. He is completely hatable. Zig Zag 123.

So Cesaro and Ziggler, go 3 minutes. But I had to sit through 15+ minutes of Ambrose and Del Rio kill time before accidentally arriving at a finish. The match finished before I even completely took in Miz’s outfit.

Paige backstage promo, camera got too close because her teeth make her look like she’s British or something.

Goldust and Stardust vs RybAxel

So. You have a month long roll out for these two just to return and wrestle the guys they wrestled for 2 fucking months straight? Awesome. Way to make it special. Stardust hits his same new finisher ‘Dark Matter’. So not even a new finish. Were one of them hurt or something? Why a month off just to come back and be the same? It was the same match they had in June to no god damn reaction. What did you just do with them for a month? You built something up just to throw it back into the same god damn position it was to begin with. What is the thought process?

Kane returns his mask to The Authority. Seems a little late to be starting this type of storyline with the PPV two weeks away Kane. Oh well. Guys. Kane is sad. :(

Chris Jericho vs Luke Harper w/Eric Rowand

If Harper loses he’s banned from ringside for the Summer Slam match with Wyatt. Rowand lost to Jericho in a good match on Smackdown, so he’s already banned. Guess how this match will end. Harper comes out to a sample of ‘whole world in his hands’. Can’t that go away? Didn’t that disarm Wyatt enough? Michinoku Driver by Harper, called correctly by Cole. Wow. That was a nice little surprise. Enormous Sit Down Powerbomb by Harper. Jericho must wish his band didn’t cancel their tour after that impact on his 40+year old back. Eventually Wyatt hits the ring and lays Jericho out with Sister Abigail for the DQ. Stay followin’ buzzards guys. No promo? Oh come on let these two talk already.

Diego w/El Torito, Summer Rae and Layla vs Fandango w/Hornswoggle

Oh boy, we’re still going with the whole ‘midgets are hilarious to look at’ thing huh Vince? Fandango can’t stop laughing as Hornswoggle falls around and makes a mockery of his existence. Ps did you know Layla and Summer Rae are called Slayer? DEAD SKIN MASK!!!!!! Fandango runs into Hornswoggle, distraction, Back Stabber 123.

Hornswoggle turns on Fandango after the match by dancing with Diego Bull Slayer and for some reason the crowd doesn’t boo him. I hate wrestling is why. Anyways Fandango keeps losing but Summer Rae and Layla are considerably attractive.

Bo Dallas vs R-Truth

JBL still doing the ‘this is so inspirational’ thing, Bo Dallas still doing the completely soaking wet thing. R-Truth as the completely vicious on offense face wrestler dude, is nice, or at least a nice change of pace for him. Maybe more of this and less of the shucking and jiving. He still is wearing airbrushed jeans though, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Roll Up 123 BO WINS! And in a way don’t we all win?

R Truth jumps Bo after the match but Bo ends up getting the better of the frustrated loser laying him out on the floor, wait, don’t heels usually do what R Truth just did? And don’t faces usually get the upper hand and lay the heel out?

Bray Wyatt backstage promo. Good.
Brock Lesnar/Cena video package. Great. ‘I’m gonna leave John Cena in a pile of blood, urine and vomit’. Only $9.99 guys!

Rob Van Dam vs Seth Rollins

As time goes this is your main event, Steph and Brie will be closing the show with a god damn contract signing. Which is pretty shocking, 2 shows before the PPV and we are watching RVD and Rollins fight a clock. Good for the Mid-card I guess. I’d be miserable if i paid to see this. Well not really, I prefer this to most of the main events lately, but pretend I’m a stupid dumb idiot like the people in the crowd.

The ring announcer guy’s name I forget, but anyways, he gets the mic and announces this is not actually main event as RVD has been replaced.

Beat the Clock Challenge
Heath Slater vs Seth Rollins

I wonder if Heath can have a great showing here and he can beat the jobber ranking he’s had for the better part of 3 years now. Slater is asked to stand outside and to be counted out, Slater refuses and we have Slater wrestling the main event of Raw. Ambrose shows up outside and we have ourselves an in match story!!!! All be it a convoluted one.

The clock, Ambrose, Slater, Rollins. So much is going on! Was the WWE saving all of their efforts for the final half hour? I mean so what if they’re all dumb? Ambrose spends his time on the outside ‘being crazy’ dumping popcorn and soda into the Money in the Bank briefcase and ripping up the contract. Ambrose then takes JBL’s hat smushes it into the briefcase and that is enough for Slater to get the roll up on Ambrose. The hat was the straw that broke the camel’s back apparently.

But who gives a shit about that CONTRACT SIGNING TIME!!!!

So Brie’s acting has been exceedingly amateurish at best, but it doesn’t have to be great. It’s like Trips and Bryan, except Steph is more over. Weird for Brie to have the production truck okay a video of Steph being arrested. Seems like Steph as acting owner and executive would have more control over that sort of thing. Brie insinuates that in prison Steph cheated on her husband in a lesbian relationship with a woman named ‘big Beulah’ to absolutely no reaction. Oof. Brie punctuates her bad promo by calling Steph a piece of trash, saying it with so little conviction I’m actually uncomfortable. She deserved huge pops from this crowd and they gave her nothing. Luckily for her this angle won’t get pulled or lessened despite crowd reaction, Steph is here to save the day.

Steph rips Brie apart verbally, I’m not sure who wrote this. Isn’t the point for the heel to come off looking worse? Even making the face look better? What does verbally shredding Brie Bella do for Steph? ‘A second rate reality star’. That’s your show you shoved down our throat and now it’s just a reality show? Really? Eventually Triple H holds Brie back while Steph lays out Nikki with a Pedigree, I guess Nikki won’t be turning heel on Brie at Summer Slam like I thought. Following that Pedigree up shortly with another, this time on Brie. Steph Yes! chants until Raw goes to credits. Someone in the audience holding up a ‘who cares?’ sign. I don’t have an answer for him other than ‘Steph’.

Spot of the Night
Reverse Superplex(again)

The Good and The Bad
Good
1 blood
2 urine
3 vomit

Bad
1 Adam Rose still employed
2 Del Rio still on TV
3 Sin Cara pinned on the ap for no one to see

Summer Slam

WWE Heavyweight Championship Match
Brock Lesnar vs John Cena (c)

Stephanie McMahon vs Brie Bella

Bray Wyatt vs Chris Jericho

Dean Ambrose vs Seth Rollins

Roman Reigns vs Randy Orton

Divas Championship Match
Paige vs AJ (c)

Intercontinental Championship Match
Dolph Ziggler vs Miz (c)

Flag Match
Jack Swagger vs Rusev

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers