raw

The Morning After Raw with Jed (Actually Gavin)

Cena and Ambrose talky talky talk until Steph and Trips come out to wager whether or not they can coexist for a match as a tag team. Hunter says, “The standard?” Which I can only take to mean anal. The match is made and it’s like 1998 all over again as comically mismatched partners are going to face off against the tag champs and the number one contenders in a triple threat.

Cena-brose vs Dust Brothers vs The Usos

Cena and Ambrose function well enough as they dominate the Usos early on. Cena plays Face In Peril and the match suffers from a severe lack of Stardust. The crowd agrees and Cena’s selling is awkward tonight. Hot tag to Ambrose is less hot because everybody just wants to see Stardust. Cody attacks an Uso to a massive reaction. For perspective, 20 years ago, Dustin Rhodes was teaming with Barry Windham and feuding with Dr Death Steve Williams and Terry Gordy. Two are dead, one retired over a decade ago, and the other just power slammed John Cena. Ambrose and Cena pick up the win and it was a fun match, but don’t tell the edgy Cena haters.

Trips comes out to make Cena vs Ambrose for later in the show and I smell a bait and switch.

AJ comes out for…something. I don’t know if I’m sick of her or just her music. I actually kind of miss Kaitlyn. One intro out of three then into a commercial? WHY NOT? Keep earning that paycheck, Dunn.

AJ and Layla vs Alicia Fox and Paige

I need 4 points from Frank Gore to break the 200 point barrier in fantasy. If I had played Malcolm Floyd instead of Golden Tate I’d already be there. AJ does something and somebody wins then AJ goes nuts and stuff.

Creepy promo for Rowan. He has zero chance for success. ERIC ROWAN IS PREGNANT!

Dolph Ziggler vs Randy Orton

Cesaro on commentary? Has to be good for exposure. How long until he utterly disappears again? Cesaro calls out both Ziggler and Orton. Not sure what to make of that. Maybe a vote to determine if he’s face or heel like The Honky Tonk Man had? He helped train Cesaro. Mind boggling, isn’t it? Dolph controls the early action and I just want them to get to whatever they’re building to already. Ziggler looks great and Orton is actually making someone look better rather than just looking good himself. Rollins and Orton on camera together forces an immediate commercial break before the audience falls asleep en masse.

Last week’s Raw was light on wrestling, we’ve had two long matches already tonight. But they don’t listen to the Internet crowd. This has been Orton’s most enjoyable match since the Christian feud. Cesaro on commentary is…something. But who’s going to sound good trying to wedge into Lawler, Cole, and JBL?

I miss things that aren’t WWE style. Hot start, tease signature spots, slow down, hit signature spots for false finishes, hit finishers, go home. Variance would be nice. Ziggler eats the inevitable pin in a move that makes little sense storyline wise. Ziggler looks weaker, Orton has no reason to doubt himself in a competition with Rollins. Cesaro apparently left halfway through the match because he hasn’t been heard from in ages. Curb stomp to Ziggler and I just assume he’s concussed again.

Seth Rollins vs Jack Swagger

A surprising win by anybody tonight would be nice. Looking at you, Swaggie J. The crowd wants a big win for Swagger and Zeb, but it doesn’t seem like WWE is willing to pull the trigger. That ill timed DUI will haunt him forever. He has the look, the pedigree, and the ability. They don’t trust him though and while he was being punished we saw the rise of Bryan, Reigns, Ambrose, Rollins, Wyatt, Cesaro, The Usos, Rusev, and the return of Goldust and that Lesnar fellow. Literally half a roster leapfrogged him.

Rollins almost back bumps onto the steps while 2/3 of the commentary team mocks Swagger for his crowd interaction. Orton emerges in a repeat of the last match, which doesn’t bode well for Swags. The 945-1045 letdown is going to be potentially brutal after these two matches. Great wheelbarrow suplex spot as this match becomes more about Orton than either guy in the ring.

If Kurt Angle returns to WWE, I hope we get vignettes of him showing Swagger how to apply an ankle lock. That thing doesn’t work on anybody. Rollins cheats to win and I couldn’t care less beyond being perpetually disappointed for Swagger. Rollins and Orton stare down. Like ambien.

Dean Ambrose promo that quotes David Allen Coe in the Deep South. Then references AC/DC.

Some nobody introduces Big Show for a promo. Remember that letdown I mentioned?

The NFL goes to halftime and we get

Rusev vs Big Show

WWE is putting a lot of stock in Rusev here, counting on him to hold the demographic that’s flipping through channels. To his (and Lana’s) credit, he has nuclear heat. This Atlanta crowd isn’t as loud as Goldberg vs Hogan but they’re trying. This is a satisfying beatdown and the fans are lapping it up. This is what Sting vs Hogan should have been. Tomahawk Chop. As a Braves fan, please stop.

Very impressive dropkick fromug Rusev. This guy is legit. Rusev just stomping guys into jelly is amazing. All things considered, that 2nd rope elbow was pretty impressive from Show. This match is a perfect example of how a crowd can make a match. People hate that imitation Steiner Recliner and we’re headed for a DQ. So the guy that can’t beat Bo Dallas knocks Rusev out of the ring with one punch? Show and Henry vs Rusev and Bo Dallas? PLEASE PUNCH LANA.

Great booking. Crowd is happy that Rusev gets beaten up, Rusev doesn’t lose. It’s like people that watch wrestling wrote this.

Todd Chrisley in the audience. Please run a Santino debut angle. Somehow he comes across as 1000% more likable on Raw than on his tv sho-QUIET ON THE SET.

The Miz vs Sheamus

WWE has accidentally gotten Damien Sandow over again and it’s great. Everybody hates Sheamus. Not sure if this crowd has turned on the match or if they genuinely love Sandow. Maybe both. Just zero reaction for Sheamus’ offense. Miz steals a win and Miz + Sandow continues to = hilarity.

Why did Butch Reed come out of that locker room?

Skanks vs Hookers

Who cares. Frank Gore has 25 yards on 9 carries. I needed FOUR POINTS. Skanks win with Brie getting her long awaited vengeance on Nikki in a throwaway tag match. Butch Reed looks great.

Cena with a lights out promo, followed by a Bray Wyatt vignette to complete the trilogy. Rather than a commercial break, we return to The Power Couple of WWE coming to the ring and I realize that Randy Orton is going to come steal the contract.

Dean Ambrose vs John Cena

The opening of Ambrose’s music doesn’t fit the actual music. Steve Blackman 2.0 enters to watch people compete over who gets to beat him up. Randy Orton arrives and I feel my eyes grow heavy. Kane arrives and I check my fantasy team even though it’s a blowout win this week.

Ambrose is a better finisher away from megastardom. Austin should pass him the Stunner. The brawl heads to the stage for reasons that even Jerry Lawler can’t explain. These two lack the chemistry that Cena and Cesaro have proven to have. McGuinness Lariat gets a pop, STFU doesn’t. Cena was supposedly taking time off after Night of Champions. Did Reigns’ surgery force him to stick around? Cena does everything great except run into stuff.

Orton gets involved as WWE’s Shakycam kicks in. Kevin Dunn sucks. Ambrose vs Rollins and the billionth version of Orton vs Cena. This ending feels very hollow. This was still light years better than the last month.

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The Morning After Raw for October 6, 2014

‘And I’m back’

As I’m sure none of you noticed but I took last week off and no one filled in because Gavin is selfish, Chris is unconscious and I’m not even sure any of you know who Dwain is. Oh well. Last week had 38 actual minutes of televised in ring action and I think that is even too much. SELL US ON WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE FOR FUCK SAKE. I guess I just want more tv time for everyone ad not just wrestling someone else for 10 minutes. I want character depth. I guess that’s just never gonna stop.
Anyway, that will never happen let’s see how Cena and Ambrose eventually wrestle Kane and Orton before Rollins ultimately causes a dusty finish and we move on and pretend something worse watching in the last 3 hours actually fucking happened. Raw is live from Brooklyn and the crowd will be quite smug and I already hate them.

The show starts with a recap of last week where Ambrose caused Rollins to be slimed or something…

Remember when Cena does something lame and juvenile it’s just boring stupid repetitive crap that takes you out of the feud and dulls the character, but when Ambrose does it? High theater!

Has there been a more exciting turn of events in the last couple weeks then finding out that Rollins can cut actual promos? Who saw this coming? I was terrified that he would just be an improved Justin Gabriel or at best Matt Hardy. Rollins gets beaten up by Cena and Ambrose, runs in the back, is hated. Nicely done Seth.

Steph and Trips come out and make a handicapped match of Kane, Orton and Rollins vs Ambrose and Cena. So that’s our life now. These 5 men will be a part of our lives until we die. Doesn’t sound like Brock made the trip.

The Usos and Dolph Ziggler vs Cesaro, Stardust and Goldust

The Usos cut a recorded promo that will never be spoken of again. Enormous pop for Ziggler. I still am in the process of really enjoying Goldust and Stardust, but it’s becoming a weird trip, maybe that’s good that these guys are so different THERES A GUY DRESSED LIKE CM PUNK IN THE FRONT ROW COMPLETE WITH FAKE MUSCLES AND TATTOOS. LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE. Anyways hot tag to Ziggler for what I assume will be the pop of the night. Tilt-a-whirl reversed into a sleeper hold. Ziggler and Cesaro should have an iron man match. I’m somewhat let down that we have to have other matches tonight. Triple Super Kick on Stardust. I wish this match wouldn’t end. Uso Splash 123. How incredibly enjoyable.

Adam Rose, Kathy Lee and Hoda come out and somehow get Breast Cancer Research booed. 10 minute segment that honestly tested my will as a human to see another day.

Luke Harper singles promo. More Wyatt things that make no sense.

Bo Dallas vs Mark Henry

Don’t make me choose. Lawler recites an old racist joke, just replacing the N word with Bo Dallas. This is uncomfortable to hear. As Henry throws Dallas off of the security railing and we appear to be headed for a count out. And that’s what we get. Oh well. It was awfully mistimed by the ref and Henry but at least it happened and didn’t not happen right guys? Wait what?

Ambrose and Cena come out for the customary ‘I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but’ promo. Cena doesn’t play up to the crowd and act like he isn’t annoyed and that’s just the WWE crowd being ‘entitled to their opinion’. Good. Cena needs to act like this, at least give him some different levels to his character. Ambrose eventually leaves and goes to Coney Island… Where I guess he wants to play football for the coach…

Awesome backstage segment where Trips mocks Cena for his partner leaving and having a 3 on 1 handicapped main event. And if you want to please a snarky crowd, it’s 3 on 1 featuring John Cena having the odds stacked up against him.

Arm Behind the Back match
Summer Rae w/Layla vs Brie Bella

Derek Jeter chant breaks out. Awesome. Anyways Brie wins after what looks like a botched knee to Summer Rae’s now destroyed face.

Miz and Mizdow segment with an organic fruit basket apology to Kane. I’m not sure who the heel is here. Organic fruit basket looks delectable.

Jack Swagger w/Zeb Colter vs Tyson Kidd w/Natalya

Am I watching Main Event? These two should immediately become a tag team. Good short match. Tyson Kidd taps. Oh well.

Edge and Christian! Advertising something on the network! WWE is starting to get it and how to advertise its product.

El Torito w/Los Matadores vs Mini-Gator w/ Slater Gator

Am I watching Main Event? Slater Gator have the best theme song/Titantron video and I already want all their merch available. Anyways. This is abject fucking torture. ‘this is stupid’ chant by the crowd. El Torito eventually wins with a botched Moonsault. This was deplorable. I still have an hour left.

Cole has now repeated the line ‘Many believe this decision was political in nature’ at least 5 times tonight in relation to Big Show tearing down a flag last week. Lana and Rusev come out to get heat on repetition. USA chant by a Brooklyn crowd? Seems out of place. The WWE picked the wrong crowd to have this show in front of, very little wrestling, less interesting segments. This is not a good ideHOLY FUCKING SHIT THE ROCK IS HERE. Dwayne mercifully milks his entrance for what should’ve gone on for the last 3 matches. The Rock shows up and in 3 lines completely undoes everything Rusev and Lana had been building for months AND ITS GREAT. Fuck these two characters. I’ll go back to thinking about them next week. Let me enjoy this for this moment. The Rock eventually tosses Rusev out(great bump by Rusev) and as the segment closes I already miss him.

Paige and Alicia Fox vs AJ and Emma

CAN THE ROCK COME BACK PLEASE. Anyways here comes 100 CM Punk chants by these clowns and I’m mad the night turned around so these people will leave somewhat happy. Paige fell down running outside. Kind of funny. AJ eventually leaves and that’s the end of Emma.

Eric Rowand singles promo. Less inspiring than the Harper one.

The Miz and Damien Mizdow vs Sheamus

Miz is one of the few heels who gets the correct heel reaction from all crowds. Sandow’s reactions are so good that it makes me wonder if I even enjoy The Miz or if I’m just caught up in how fun this all is. Anyways Sheamus’ mustache is becoming way too distracting. Sandow sucker punches Sheamus to a huge reaction. Sheamus is just despised by this crowd.

Kane, Seth Rollins and Randy Orton vs John Cena

And now the countdown for the Ambrose run in begins. First Orton, then Kane, then Rollins all take turns beating Cena down and squelching various bursts of offense. The match is eventually thrown out and like clockwork here’s Ambrose… With a hotdog cart. Hopefully to remake the first 10 minutes of Sleepers. Ambrose hits Orton in the face with mustard, Kane with ketchup and I relish the moment as Raw is finally over. Reminder. If Cena did this it would be a parade of people calling it the stupidest thing ever.

Tonight’s Haiku
fail to realize
How great The Rock really was
then he leaves again

Spot of the Night
The Rock did something

The Good and The Bad

Good
1
The Rock
2 Dwayne Johnson
3 6 Man Tag Match

Bad
1
midgets
2 fake CM Punk
3 raw sucked

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