raw

The Morning After Raw for July 21, 2014

‘Beast of Burden’

I despise to be this guy , but TNA has been as good or the best it’s ever been lately. Which is hard to admit considering how hard I used to bash their product. But they’ve vastly improved. So congrats, you’re no longer hysterical to mock guys. So at least the WWE can start to feel like they have a rival again in wrestling. Not entertaining or ratings or money, but wrestling.

Last night was a cleansing of the palate. Everything that happened had a pretty brutal sense of meaninglessness. The show tonight marks the night after the Royal Rumble (comparing Battleground to the Royal Rumble is a disgrace) for Summer Slam. Granted it’s 4 weeks not 12 and Summer Slam isn’t the show Wrestlemania is, but it is the Summer Classic for the company. I’m excited going forward and as miserable as I’ve been with the product lately it’s nice to have faith things can improve. At the very least things will start to matter and head towards a final completion. Raw is live from Miami and Lebron James googles his name.

Triple H starts the show off by clowning the fans and mocking them for not liking the product and complaining on the internet. It’s hard for Trips to pretend the audience doesn’t want Cena to lose the title. Suddenly I’m back aboard and invested in the product as the best feud in years ‘Trips vs Everyone’ continues. When you’re an ‘I hate the world’ mark you’ll always enjoy this feud. PS I’m a columnist, what I do is different. I’m better than you.

Randy Orton and Kane come out to plead their case as to why both of them should be considered for the #1 contender for the WWE Heavyweight Title. Which no one refers to that anymore by its actual name and it’s back to just being the WWE title. This is of course another exercise in futility as we all know that Lesnar will be at Summer Slam, but we need a midcard. So let’s see how this turns out.

Roman Reigns comes out through the crowd and says nobody wants to see John Cena vs either Kane or Orton. They know how to get the guy pops that’s for sure. Reigns Superman Punches(which still looks really good)Kane and we have ourselves a beginning to Raw! Maybe.

Handicapped Match
Roman Reigns vs Kane and Randy Orton

Well then there’s this. So after last night the WWE was clear about one thing. More Kane. More Orton. The story of this match is of course, Orton turns on Kane and we now have a feud between Orton and Kane going forward, which makes this a potential 3 way at Summer Slam. Spear 123. Kind of obvious where that match is going, but there’s no reason why this couldn’t be enjoyable on the way. Other than neither Orton or Kane really being fun.

Divas Handicapped Match
Eva Marie, Alicia Fox, Cameron, Rosa Mendez vs Nikki Bella

It’s weird watching the 4 divas have their own way if walking to the ring at once and seeing them try and differentiate themselves with their in ring entrance celebration things. Or something. I don’t get it, they all became one tan blonde thing walking to the ring and I got a headache. Brie Bella is ringside by the way.

Steph comes down to taunt Brie ringside. She calls Brie ‘Nikki’ a couple times. Not Steph’s best work. Brie, in turn, calls Steph a bitch. The reaction of the black guy behind Brie going ‘OHHHHHH!!!!!’ was priceless.

Steph slaps Brie and Brie is thrown out. Steph starts the match which was really just a beatdown. Alicia Fox picks up the pin though. I catch myself caring about this and I kind of die inside.

Bo Dallas vs Lebronian Sandow

Damien Sandow has really small calves, but I enjoy his heel work immensely. Wait. Is Bo a face now? Does JBL call him inspirational every other word? I wish JBL would call Bo Dallas inspirational and awe inspiring like a holocaust memorial. I guess it is heel vs heel tonight. Sandow misses his elbow drop and Bo Dallas pins Sandow after the awful Bo Dog finisher. JBL immediately back into screaming things. Having Bo not cut a promo here is a massive mistake. 16 and Bo.

Chris Jericho Highlight Reel segment. It starts out with Wyatt coming out and showing footage if a backstage beat down. I wish we could all write the WWE and reach a mutual agreement that Jericho and Wyatt have the blood part of the blood feud going and if we could spend the next 4 weeks with them doing promo work it would be better than finding new ways for 3 guys to beat up 1 repeatedly.

Bray picks up the mic and the feud finally starts. Bray even references his dead sister that used to be discussed. Remember that? Anyways it doesn’t look like Jericho is even here as he’s been roughed up backstage in something that was probably taped yesterday. Still though Jericho will have a better showing today than most.

Also Jericho’s awful side project band’s new album is released tomorrow. Make sure you listen to it and realize he is no longer a full time roster emmer because he wanted to go make THAT.

Flo Rida walks to the ring and hugs black wrestlers, Ziggler and Emma. Ok. What the piss was that? I have about another half hour of buffer time on my DVR. Help us all if I don’t make it.

Miz vs Dolph Ziggler

Don’t do this to me.

Miz tells the ref that Ziggler can’t touch his face because that’s his ‘moneymaker’. This gimmick is coming out of the 80s. This is Rick Martell level. This is stupid. This is absolutely working. The crowd is booing him relentlessly. Miz continues to avoid face shots throughout a match. I love Ziggler but his spray tan is Christian bad. It’s so uneven I wonder who ok’d him for tv. If the WWE needs someone to apply spray tan, to Ziggler or whoever mostly Ziggler, I humbly volunteer.

Side Effect by Miz, nicely lifted from Matt Hardy. This match is going through multiple commercial breaks and is slowly becoming what the IC belt used to be. The best match of the night between the best workers and ends up hopefully doing a lot for both guys going forward and maybe become the best feud. Figure Four, nicely applied by Miz. He’s looking very strong tonight. Fame-Asser 1 2 kick out. ‘This is awesome’ chant by the crowd. Skull Crushing Finale reversed into the Zig Zag and Ziggler wins a tremendous match.

The Miz gets the belt on Subday and loses his first match Monday, the WWE loves having their secondary champions take pins and I don’t get it. I mean it’s great that Ziggler won and if it’s Ziggler vs Miz at Summer Slam I look forward to a midcard feud between two capable contenders. Right? Guys? There used to be a midcard. Trust me.

AJ and Paige vs Emma and Natalya

Let’s see if Emma can steal the show here. CM Punk chant by the audience, dies quickly. ENOUGH ALREADY. Natalya takes the Shining Wizard while she had Paige in the Sharpshooter. AJ lands on Natalya’s face, not fantastically executed. Natalya taps to the Black Widow and no one cares.

After the match Paige successfully turns heel and beats AJ up(it’s a feud we need beat downs guys) and despite really bad headbuts, Paige does a great job taunting and screaming AJ while she throws her about the set.

Continued reminders by the announcers that we are supposed to not hate Flo Rida. It is not working.

Fandango vs Zack Ryder w/Summer Rae and Layla

Layla and Summer tease a kiss. Who is watching this? Fandango is currently feuding with two second tier Divas. Rough Ryder 123. Layla knocks Fandango’s leg off the apron. Layla is attractive by the way. I don’t know what to say about this, other than my life can be a sad tragedy of frozen piss.

Backstage Flo Rida beats up Slater. Is this a feud too? It happened backstage and it’s a beat down. Flo Rida vs Slater at Summer Slam!!

Steph introduces Flo Rida. What is that about? Why does she LOVE celebrities? Why is she willing to suspend her show’s natural flow to cater to sloppy bad segments like this? Does Flo Rida stop concerts to talk about The Network? Also this girl is lipsyncing. Why is the DJ pretending to do anything? He’s just selecting different mp3s to play while Flo Rids raps over a recorded vocal track and his singer lip synchs. They keep showing the same 3 people in the audience who are having a good time. I’d be so mad if I went to see Raw and 15 minutes of the live event was a performance by some mediocre pop music act.

After the shit show Steph appears to be arrested for slapping Brie Bella. What if she stood her ground? We’re in Florida. THIS IS TAKING FUCKING FOREVER. I feel like the cameras missed about 70% of the audio and they had to repeat the Miranda rights. Steph vs Brie is happening.

Maybe the funniest moment in years. Backstage Joey Mercury asks Triple H as he’s leaving who will be facing Cena at Summer Slam and to see Trips talk himself into staying is hilarious. ‘I mean, she has to be booked first right? That takes time.’ ‘Nothing I can do right now’.

Big E and Kofi vs RybAxel

Men on a Mission 2. Harlem No Heat. Either way this is a perfect idea to pair the two of them. I’ve never seen a big guy throw himself to the outside so recklessly as Big E. Ryback rolls through a Cross Body 123.

Without any warning Xavier Woods is in the ring as a recruiting potential motivating manager for Big E and Kofi. A black faction? I’m all in! This could be great.

Rusev w/Lana vs Khali

I guess the WWE wants to cull the US chants so only Swagger gets them. In place we have Russia vs India! WWE was in a little hot water for the whole referencing Putin after the Malaysia flight was shot down. Lana’s promo is cut off. Oh well. Hopefully they don’t neuter the gimmick because of a couple uninspired news stories. Accolade. Khali taps. Not a strong match.

Goldust and Stardust vignette. These are amazing. I don’t even need them to wrestle. Just keep being dickheads talking about cosmic keys. If they hosted Cosmos instead of Neil Degrasse Tyson I would be in heaven.

Dean Ambrose vs Cesaro

Cesaro earlier tonight announced that he fired Heyman. That can’t hurt. This makes 3 guys in a row that Heyman has done absolutely nothing for. Dean Ambrose dresses like Deuce and Domino. Ambrose jumps to the outside right into a European Uppercut. Awesome. Nigel Clothesline into a German Suplex. This match is good.

‘Ambrose uses his whole body’ thanks Mike!

This match would be great if Cole didn’t spend half the time telling me how CRAZY Ambrose is. Ambrose throws Cesaro into the ring post three times before eventually hitting him with a chair. Well. That’s an ending all right.

Triple H brings out Orton as the supposed challenger for Cena at Summer Slam. Reigns cuts him off and we have a fight that goes out of the building. I like Orton putting Reigns over. If Reigns is going to have a match he’s going to need a real worker to make him look good. No one right now is better at this than Orton. He’s the first main event midcard worker. And I love him.

Heyman walks out soon after with a mic and here we go.

Eat. Sleep. Break The Monotony.

Spot of the Night
AJ’s Shining Wizard directly to the bridge of Natalya’s nose.

The Good and The Bad
Good
1
Brock
2 Miz vs Ziggler
3 Xavier E and Kofi

Bad
1
Flo Rida makes horrendous music
2 More fake cops
3 No Cena, No Swagger, No Usos

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The Morning After WWE’s Battleground

Battleground

Nothing tonight could possibly matter. Summer Slam will be Cena vs Brock, so forget the title match, and forget Rollins cashing in. Rollins vs Ambrose can’t end tonight so don’t pay special attention to that. Jericho vs Wyatt has no chance of a conclusion tonight, so forget that. The Usos vs Harper and Rowand could probably end I guess. I guess. But who would they…I almost just asked who The Usos would wrestle.

I’m told this PPV isn’t even on cable and available only on the Network. This is kind of ridiculous. I don’t even know who would watch this. This is Great American Bash 2004. Tonight can only disappoint storyline wise. I look forward to some matches but I mean. Does it matter all? If I wanted to watch good matches in a vacuum I have PWG and those matches can be ten times more exciting. I guess I’m too cynical and miserable for this, oh well. I’m still here. So suck a dog’s dick.

WWE Tag Team Championship Two out of Three Falls Match
The Usos (c) vs Harper and Rowand

King used his ‘Harper put on his best dirty shirt’ joke again. Sigh. Uso’s getting cheers, maybe this should stop surprising me? Can a tag team ever be LOD over again? How about Hardy Boyz over? I’ll settle for Team Hell No at this point. Maybe the crowd should realize this is as good as it gets and just to throw themselves into them. Big Boot and the first fall goes to Harper and Rowand. Roll Up and the second fall goes to The Usos and ten minutes in you can tell this will not be one of the storied tag matches that we’ll tell our kids about. Had anyone talked about the fact The Usos kind of look like landscapers with their shirts off? Jimmy Uso has been wrestling the entire second half of this match. Suicide Dive by Harper. Wow. Suicide Dive by Harper into a Super Kick. 1 2 kickout. Crowd is quite loud. Sit Down Powerbomb 1 2-kick out. Crowd is unhinged. Maybe this is a good match.

No it isn’t. Its a bad match with a very strong climax. Rowand kicks out of the Splash. False Finishes Galore!!! Double Superplex by Rowand on The Usos. Wow. Why is this match so good all of a sudden? Superkick no sell into a Discus Clothesline. 1 2 kick out. This is Undertaker and Undertaker vs The HBKs. Hmmm. This is getting silly. Double Super kick. Double Splash. I’m not sure what to think of this.

Seth Rollins vs Dean Ambrose

Great video package, showing The Shield and their history as friends. Fight backstage and Jamie Noble tries to break it up, hey look its Jamie Noble. Anyways this match isn’t happening I guess. Ambrose thrown out of the building. See you at Summer Slam. If I paid for this I’d be violent. Ignoring I pay for the network.

WWE Divas Title Match
Paige vs AJ (c)

So. This is the Divas match everyone had been talking about on the internet for almost two years now. So let’s see it.

‘CM Punk’ chant for AJ, great work guys. Shut up. Paige is much more comfortable being the bigger Diva beating the other one down aggressively. The problem is though, the one Diva smaller than her is AJ. BUT there’s an easy way around this. 2 person division. Fire all the other Divas.

Bad Sunset Powerbomb from the top rope. Eesh. Then again I’m criticizing a poorly done high spot the other members of the Diva roster would kill each other trying to do. Black Widow reversed into PaigeTurner. Obviously a kick out, finishers are a joke tonight. Paige eventually falls to a Shining Wizard. Good match. Not a beacon in the industry that every girl in the nation should be proud of and feed inspiration from. But it was good.

Rusev w/Lana vs Jack Swagger w/Zeb Colter

So this match better not have any sort of serious finish. Tonight doesn’t matter. Don’t punish me with finality in this match of all fucking places. Lana is still over with the heat, she called Obama a wuss. Swagger’s jacket says ‘Big Hoss’. Amazing. Swagger attempts the Patriot Lock several times. This is a good time. USA chants. We The People pledges and a match with a story. Even though when Rusev yells he can’t get booed.

Front Kick by Rusev reversed into an Ankle Lock. This is great. The problem is Rusev had been in the Patriot Lock for so long it’s ridiculous he didn’t tap. Patriot Lock outside of the ring. Rusev rolls and Swagger’s face smashes off the ring post YAY! A COUNT OUT! See you at Summer Slam.

After the match unconscious Swagger is put in the Accolade when Rusev remembers he’s supposed to be selling a hurt ankle he intermittently limps. That’s big of him all things considered.

Seth Rollins comes out and demands to be announced as winner by forfeit and all sorts of things to bait Ambrose out. And it works and we have a brawl. Apparently referee/official separating brawls can happen at PPVs now. This is what WCW used to do that people would make fun of. Tonight is a brutal hold over installment of pretty mediocre storylines.

Chris Jericho vs Bray Wyatt

Speaking of hold over matches. I love Jericho but him reaching in his jacket and turning off its blinky thing is kind of lame. The black eye really makes Wyatt right now. He is a scary gentleman. Really stiff clothesline from Bray. I was waiting for more if this. If Bray turns really stiff in the ring and becomes smaller Lesnar I’m not sure how that wouldn’t wildly benefit his character.

Tope rope Dive by Jericho onto the Family. That was fun. The ref throws out Harper and Rowand for being jumped on by Jericho. Ref logic is not strong right now. Horrendous botch. Cole can’t even help the situation ‘oh man’. Great cover up Mike! You’re a pro! Bad commentary tonight, I only try to point it out when it’s obnoxious. This is one of those times.

Crowd is remarkably quiet for the only match I give a shit about. Wyatt has to play to the crowd to get any sort of response. What is that about? DDT onto the apron, Jericho’s head didn’t even approach making contact. Sigh. Code Breaker connects after Wyatt hits his Running Cross Body. 123? Really? Jericho wins? That’s odd.

Rollins and Ambrose beat down part 3. In this one Mickey dies and Ambrose is trained by Creed. He catches a chicken and runs on the beach. I’m making a Rocky 3 reference. I promise you it’s time to laugh.

Intercontinental Battle Royal

Battle Royal commentary rules always apply here. JBL is awful at yelling all his mark up commentary lines for everyone involved. ‘Don’t touch his money maker!’ ‘He’s so inspirational’ ‘Mexico’s greatest export’ we get it dude. You’re very much repetitive. Bad News Barrett comes out to remind people that they will in fact die, like the title will without him. And I wish he wasn’t right. I miss him.

Xavier Woods, learn how to do aerobatic monster spots in elimination matches and you could be Kofi. No you couldn’t.

Zack Ryder, the only thing keeping him from being eliminated first is that he isn’t black.

It’s funny to see Great Khali be a heel now and be referred to as ‘the Punjabi Nightmare’ when his pants still say Punjabi Playboy. No one notices him anyways. Hit the bricks you big creepy fuck.

Sin Cara and Diego from Los Matadores give Lillian Garcia a fantastic chance to remind everyone that she is very much still Latin, or Mexican. Or something. Either way, eliminated. Or in Spanish, ‘the iminated’.

Weird to see R Truth eliminated after Lawler said ‘come on R-Truth!’ muddying his entrance. I thought that was more than enough to propel him to relevance.

Shocked to see Curtis Axel wasn’t used in any sort of midmatch storyline with Ryback as some sort of double team thing. I bet it was suggested and they just said ‘nah’. Anyways. Me Perfect was amazing.

Diego of the Los Matadores eliminated. Hard to have a lower profile than the midget, but he does. At least he isn’t the brother who didn’t even make the cut of being fodder for this match though.

Ryback eliminated, no real joke to make here but Del Rio and Cesaro are just holding each other in the corner waiting for their chance to do whatever they are asked to. Go back and read my Sin Cara joke again.

Titus O’Neal eliminated by Bo Dallas. What an honor for him to actually be touched by someone who is over.

Kofi tries a Sunset Powerbomb but Cesaor hangs on and Kofi is suspended above the ground. This is incredible. What’s more incredible is Cole refuses to stop reading his pre-written statement about Sheamus during it. You just over talked the one thing we are watching this bad match for.

Del Rio eliminated. Miz knocked to the outside through the second rope for the 5th time. He’s seen laying down on the ground. Guess what’s happening?

Big E eliminated, I’d like some more of him doing the black preacher gimmick and thankfully I’ll be able to see it in short bursts on Wednesday nights.

Kofi thrown out of the ring but he lands on Big E’s shoulders and is Suplexed back into the ring by Cesaro. Wow. Cesaro eventually throws Kofi out and Kofi’s streak continues of being apart of the only interesting parts of these overbooked underwritten piles of garbage and never even being considered to win one.

Cesaro eliminated by Heath Slater of all people to a big reaction. Eliminating Cesaro from a match where Cesaro was asked to keep parts of this mess together through sure cohesion and legitimacy. Cesaro. Eliminated by a jobber, still did more for him than that stupid Heyman run.

Heath Slater eliminated. I feel like I should’ve typed this 5 minutes ago. Is it too late to get Barrett back? Heath Slater still comes it to “WE’RE A THREE MAN BAND’ by the way. So before you think anyone cares you’re wrong.

Bo Dallas eliminated and I actually swore out loud. I’d be hopeful about Ziggler but with Miz on the outside still this has fake finish and heat for eliminating the fan favorite all over it. God damn it.

We are down to Sheamus, Ziggler and Miz. Miz, who is outside and is obviously going to win after these two have a good match and he will pick up the scraps.

Dolph and Sheamus walk the tightrope repeatedly having a very good match at the end of a pile of shit. Dolph eventually eliminated Sheamus and as the crowd goes nuts thinking something everyone wants happened Miz comes in and blah blah I hate wrestling. I mean come on.

Randy Orton vs Kane vs Roman Reigns vs John Cena (c)

Let’s get this over with shall we? I feel bad for Orton, he’s given the belt, he does what he can for it, he’s fed to the Daniel Bryan machine as ‘help us build a main eventer’ prop and is rewarded on the other side as the new heel main event guy who can never be considered to win but instead is asked to carried long parts of pay per view matches and will continue to do so until further notice. All he’s done is had elite matches for almost a calendar year now and he’s still just the guy Trips sends out to lose. Come be the worker and get no credit for it.

I’m officially sick of Kane in the main event. Does anyone care about him in this match? He had more of an impact and drew more heat in a suit and tie. There’s no way anyone takes him seriously right? Kane can’t be getting pinned by someone who needs it? What profile does he bring to this shit show of a match? He can just be interjected if the story needs it right? He can show up and Chokeslam whoever and have the same impact right? Right?

Cena is horrible at taking the stair bump, but you know what? He’ll never be hurt doing it like Barrett was. God damn it. How could you do that to me Wade? I need you now more than ever. Why can’t this match be Ziggler vs Fandango vs Cena vs Barrett for the belt with the winner to go on and squash Lesnar? Because I’m an idiot I guess.

Kane pushed Orton and Orton pushed Kane and we have predictable dissension! Cena interrupts Kane from Superplexing Orton, why? Why stop your opponent hurting each other in a non-pin form? It would be like George McFly stopping Biff from punching Biff. I’m tired, this match sucks, fuck off. It doesn’t suck. It’s fine. It’s just fine though. That’s it. Fine.

Cena and Reigns join teams to fight my indifference. They are losing. Reigns has Orton in the Crab, Cena puts Orton in a Cross Face. Some lady keeps screaming. Or it’s a little kid. Either way shut up you ingrate! You’re ruining my experience for this match I’m trying to hate.

Cena and Reigns showdown time. Reigns is really good at punches. Really bad at Clotheslines. Five Knuckle Shuffle into a Superman Punch. Hey look at that! Spear. 1 2, Cena looking for Kane to break it up, and there he is. Replay shows the same angle with Cena yelling for Kane with his head off the mat. Not amazing work by the replay truck, or really anyone in the back, or at the commentary table, or anyone in the ring. All around thumbs down for everyone. Even Orton who is outside wondering what the fuck just happened.

Reigns gets going, Superman Punch on Kane, jumping kick to Cena, jumping kick to Orton, jumping kick to Kane, Spear on Orton, Spear on Kane. And people say his move set is limited. ‘Kane looking to take advantage on Kane here’ Cole is more tired than me.

This is a good match. These four guys are doing a great job of keeping plates spinning but the problem still remains there is no conceivable way this match ends without a specific ending. Spear on Kane, RKO on Reigns, AA on Orton onto Kane. 123. And that’s the ending.
This was a very good episode of Smackdown.

Spot of the Night
Cesaro/Kofi multiple times in the Battle Royal

The Good and The Bad
Good
1
Tag Match’s ridiculous third fall
2 no finish to Rusev vs Swagger
3 Kofi and Cesaro’s creativity

Bad
1
no Rollins vs Ambrose
2 nothing mattered
3 WWE’s lack of creativity

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The Morning After Raw for July 14, 2014

‘Reigns and friends’

After a brief vacation and birthday I find myself one year older and much much much more maligned with the product. I watched parts of last weeks Raw, it was pretty enjoyable but what was even more enjoyable was not having to pay attention to every little bit of it and instead be able to not have to beat my head against the wall trying to connect storylines and past characters. I didn’t even notice if Dolph Ziggler was used last week. Sting tweeted some vague reference to 7-14-14, so needless to say if he shows up I’m probably going to stop watching wrestling tonight. Raw is live from Richmond Virginia, meh, and please god bring on Damien Sting-dow.

John Cena comes out first and much like after he won the belts 2 weeks ago gone is the Cena sprint to the ring and the salute and in its place is a slow paced walk and a taunting ’15′ with his fingers. Interesting. Not really. Well… you find something interesting about Cena currently having the belt.

Cena starts the show off telling people to get The Network. Great. Pandering. Reigns comes out for what can only be described as brilliant antagonistic dialog between the two. I understand Reigns is obviously the guy, and if you look at past guys there is no way you can say he has less of a skill set than guys like Diesel or Sid. But he is dreadful in the mic at this point in his career.

Holy fuck I have a pay per view to review this weekend? What a nightmare. Ambrose(6 man main event tag partner) interrupts on the Titantron to tell them to stop fighting amongst themselves and let’s concentrate on the 3 men behind him about to beat his teeth in. Ambrose then proceeds to be jumped by Orton, Rollins and Kane for what seemed to be the entirety of the 8 o’clock hour. Ambrose eats a Curb Stomp on some staging equipment and is left for dead. Reigns and Cena didn’t make it to the back to rescue him. You know, like a baby face would. Eventually the backstage beatdowns will go away right? (Spoiler absolutely not)

Sheamus vs The Miz

I’m already unhappy with the current evening, probably a predetermined situation, but Sheamus won’t help. Black guy with a ‘Lets go Sheamus’ sign. Dude. Sheamus’ catch phrase is really going to be ‘Fella’? That’s what you call someone, not a fuck catchphrase. T shirt with the word ‘Fella’ on it. Look out NWO and Austin 3:16. We have a new contender to the merch crown.

Miz on the mic, I like his new softer way of talking, obviously similar to Savage, Jericho and Roberts. Talking softly so people pay attention so when you bring your voice up its more effective. Everyone is in the bathroom though. So whatever. Miz has his face on the Titantron for the duration if this match. Hopeful for Miz going forward. He deserves something, anything for being so boring the last 3 years. Fella? Really?

If this match took place in Montreal it would be boo’d mercilessly. JBL over does the whole ‘Miz is a movie star and his face is his money maker’ thing. I understand this is his new gimmick but can you turn the sales push down from a telemarketer level? Miz wins on a roll up after what shockingly was a very good match. Wow. Who saw that coming. Fella?

The Authority in the back after the match, heavy make out until the commercial starts. Did I mention Vince writes the episodes now? MAKE OUT WITH MY DAUGHTER GOD DAMN IT.

Dolph Ziggler vs Fandango

Why do this to me? Why make my children fight? Would it kill anyone for Ziggler to have the mic? Even if it’s just leading into the break? How about during the break so I have a reason to use the pissy ap? Distraction during the match as Layla and Summer Rae dance on the commentary table like two annoying drunk sorority girls at some shitty fucking bar in a city full of boring white people. IM TRYING TO WATCH A MATCH YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. Fandango eventually loses and the girls leave with Ziggler kissing him on the cheek as any woman is want to do. Two of the reasons I tune in had a 2 minute match end in tomfoolery. If you like positive refreshing takes I would stop reading now.

Who is this stupid Rated R WWE Films biker movie for? Straight to DVD? You’re kidding! I thought there would be a huge market for a who gives a shit movie with no one famous in it!

Damien Sandow harassing Sonic workers and being interrupted while eating chili dogs by Adam Rose. Weekly commercials will be a thing until further notice apparently. Could be worse. We could be in a fucking Nazi Death Camp. These spots have to be like $10k max. Is this really worth making a mockery out of segments of your roster? Probably. Adam Rose? Definitely.

The Usos make their way to the ring, but are beaten up. Another beat down occurs as in place of storylines we now have ‘guy(s) beat up guy(s)’ for stories. Awesome. The Wyatt’s finisher sucks. Really bad. Have someone talk tonight. Please. I’m begging you. What happened to feuds?

Heat fest between Lana with Rusev and Zeb with Swagger. Lana is getting Sgt Slaughter Iraqi sympathist vs Hulk Hogsn heat. Whoever thought of this idea is brilliant, this could go the whole summer. The crowd is in a god damn frenzy right now. See you guys at Battleground. Hopefully at Summer Slam too. I can’t believe the only story going into Battleground I don’t think is at best mediocre is one featuring Swagger and USA chants.

Rob Van Dam vs Alberto Del Rio

Oh god damn it. Del Rio reverses a Five Star Frog Splash into the Arm Breaker in a weird juxtaposition match of a guy who tries hard and wrestles the same boring match over and over an is hated vs a guy who wrestles an exciting match for the last 15 years who pretty much mails it in and is loved.

Divas Handicapped Match
Nikki Bella vs Alicia Fox and Cameron

Steph taunts Nikki because Brie slapped her, months ago. Guys. Remember? Multiple Diva story lines. 3 actually. This is what people were begging for over years now. I can’t say I really care but, oh well. I don’t think it hurts the product. Oh wait Cameron is wrestling, yeah this is an unmitigated disaster. Nikki eats a pin to Alicia Fox’s new mediocre finisher.

Sting commercial. For a commercial. Crowd goes ballistic when they first see it. Boo when they realize it’s a commercial. I boo’d through out.

Stardust and Goldust vignette. Incredibly enjoyable but happened in a vacuum and what are they doing at Battleground? More from them later hopefully. (Spoiler lolno)

Cesaro vs Big E w/Kofi

Cesaro makes his way to the ring without Heyman and without Heyman you have to think maybe his character will actually progress again. Cole says Heyman could’ve been fired. Can’t imagine keeping him. Big E has plummeted as of late, not sure why he gets Kofi. Must be a Michael Hayes idea to just pair off the blacks, make them a tag team and then feud them. Cesaro loses again to the Big Ending and I’m beside myself. What is going on with him? Where the shit was Heyman? What is this? WHY?!? What is worse about this is Big E isn’t going anywhere after this. It’s just a shitty moment that won’t mean anything in a week. Nothing that happens on this show, this month, the last 3 months has mattered.

Jericho out next for what’s taken all night to have a promo anyone actually wants to listen to. Stop what you are doing right now and watch the Smackdown match between Orton and Jericho by the way. Jericho’s band’s tour being cancelled could be the best thing that happened to me this summer. Jericho tells Bray to wait for him at Battleground because, there will be a fight. Ok. Wyatt challenges Chris says he waited for them to save us and it never came. Oh. Ok? Lights go out, Jericho escapes a Harper stow and beat down and backs his way up the entrance ramp. Don’t do that Chris. There’s another guy, the one your feuding against. Beat down ensues.

Jericho is beaten up in place of a feud we have another fucking pairing of one guy beating up another. You have two elite talkers and you can’t get any momentum going for this feud? Who can you do it for then? What two people on the roster are going to get a feud going for a who gives a shit July pay per view? Who could you guys book into something worth seeing? Flair vs Flair? More from Flair later. (Spoiler not really)

AJ vs Eva Marie

Oh boy. Eva is not strong in the ring, at all. Actually she sucks. It’s ok for the internet to pick on her because she’s on a reality show. Even though she’s basically no worse than Natalya. Paige on commentary calls AJ a ‘Frienemy’. Then explains how that’s a friend that is your enemy. Thanks Paige. Shut up. Your eye make up makes you look like a zombie prostitute. You look like a key holder at Hot Topic. After Eva Marie taps AJ sat at the table and had a pretty innocuous conversation between her and Paige that ha no place in any sort of show. At least they aren’t beating each other up backstage.

PG show, advertises a show called Satisfaction. A show where in the preview they show simulated sex and a blatant dick grab ‘you seem like a size 11′ scene. The man becomes a prostitute and apparently dick stuff ensues. WHO IS THIS SHOW FOR? For people who like an edgy sex show and only have basic cable? This seems like Hung, except somehow worse. Which should seem to be impossible. But somehow is achieved and everyone should be ashamed.

Bo Dallas open challenge. Hey why have these when you could just say Bo Dallas vs Big Show, Henry or Khali?

Bo Dallas vs Khali

At least I don’t have to pretend The Big Show is still alive. Khali beat Sandow last week and was supposed to be a heel right? He’s still not dancing. But Bo is a heel. What’s going on? Bo Dallas wins by a count out after hitting his finisher on the floor. I love Bo Dallas. After the match Bo tries to talk to Khali but he eats a giant chop. What the fuck Khali?

Why is it a big deal if Flo Rida is on Raw? He’s been at more WWE shows than stupid Justin Gabriel has been in the last year. Also his music sucks and all his fans are idiots. Flo Rida sucks.

Backstage Heyman meets with Steph and Trips. Tells them if they need a plan C they should talk to him. Oh so Lesnar WILL be at Summer Slam. Thanks for the great work with Cesaro, Paul.

Ric Flair out next. This could save tonight. No it couldn’t. Flair when asked who will win at Battleground responds with Cena. Which is funny considering only Reigns got cheered from the audience. Who by the way have been pretty good tonight even though I hate them. Wait that’s it? Flair talked for 40 seconds? I looked forward to that all night? God damn it. Flair comes back for no more than 2 minutes of mic time and i fall for it every fucking time. And now a horse shit main event.

John Cena and Roman Reigns vs Randy Orton, Kane and Seth Rollins

Flair bows to Cena in the entrance way and I get violently ill. I love Cena but stop it. Cena hands Flair the ‘big gold’ title and runs to the ring. Not bad. Sucks watching a basic Raw main event knowing what happens after the show will be 100 times more exciting than what happens before it. Kane Vs Cena featuring a Reigns Spear seems to have closed every Raw I can think of since I started to try and self medicate with alcohol.

Kane still wears a wig with his mask. Kane still wears a mask. Reigns still wears a tactical vest. I still watch wrestling.

Chrisley knows best commercials still airing. The season ended in April. This is the best that USA can do with a commercial break on their best rated show? It’s not even fun to talk about this show ironically anymore.

Back from commercial and the crowd goes bouts for the hot tag to Cena. Shortly lived as we now wait for the hot tag to Reigns. Which is kind info what these two guys do best as baby faces. Three Amigos by Rollins. Well that’s a cool addition to a pretty loaded move set.

Hot Tag, hopefully the last, to Reigns and he is really mailing in this offensive push. Kane eventually gets Reigns from behind and the ref throws the handicapped match out because of a 2 on 1 beat down I hate having eyes.

Spear on Cena.
RKO on Kane. Orton’s music hits.
We have dissension amongst the ranks!!
Spear on Orton. Reigns music plays. Ok then.
Fade to Black. Damn it.

Spot of the Night
Gavin trying to talk me into watching Battleground

The Good and The Bad
Good
1
I saw Flair
2 Ziggler was on TV
3 Miz vs Sheamus, wait what?

Bad
1
no feuds matter
2 nothing that happened tonight mattered
3 raw was 3 hours

Battleground Card

Fatal Four Way WWE Title Match
John Cena(c) vs Kane vs Randy Orton vs Roman Reigns

2 out of 3 Falls Championship Match WWE Tag Team Title Match
The Usos vs Harper and Rowand

Chris Jericho vs Bray Wyatt

Jack Swagger vs Rusev

Intercontinental Title Battle Royal

alterna-blog-header

AlternaNews: Movie News

It has been a big month for Alterna titles. Two of which that have been making the shift from pen and paper to flesh and bone. First off The Chair, a graphic novel written by Alterna Comic’s very own Peter Simeti, has successfully relaunched via KickStarter and as of today is working towards stretch goals with 21 days remaining. Peter recently joined TCH’s AlternaPodcast to give us an inside look into the transition from graphic novel to film adaptation. A top notch cast and a screenplay that has been lauded for its superb translation by Erin Kohut has proven to be a successful combination in bringing the support of public and private investors. Our interview with Peter can be heard here.

Also making waves from Alterna has been Evan Young and Lou Iovino’s The Last West. A multimedia agreement between the creators and Outlier, the producers of the Twilight Saga, has been reached providing exclusive rights to The Last West. This announcement comes with 25 hours currently left for the The Last West Vol 2 KickStarter that is also in stretch goal territory. For more on what to expect from Evan and Lou listen to the latest episode of AlternaPodcast.

Make sure to show your support and/or spread the word for each of these projects’ current Kickstarter Campaigns!

The Chair’s Kickstarter.
The Last West Vol 2 Kickstarter.

e2259e41732c43adb9690dc3663e073b

AlternaPodcast: Peter Simeti

In this episode of TCH Presents AlternaPodcast Tim talks with the head of Alterna Comics, Peter Simeti, about his graphic novel The Chair and the journey it has taken from print to film adaptation.

Follow Peter on Twitter@petersimeti.
Follow The Chair on Twitter@thechairhorror.
Follow Tim on Twitter@thinblueghost.
The Chair’s Kickstarter.

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Saving the world…tomorrow, maybe.

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